Because I don't want to. Because I read my visit summary from my Dr visit and although it wasn't inappropriate, it was sad. It was a reminder of where I'm at right now. Which is hell actually. So, oh well if we want to go away in our own head today and oh well if we want to feel bad about ourselves too. Poor us right? Don't worry, we have no friends so we don't bother anyone.
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Today, I Just Don't Care
- Post starter Punky143
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trying2movefwd
Diamond Member
:( Sorry @Punky143 Maybe color or something?
Also no friends and today feels like it doesnt friggin matter anymore here to. Really want to tell the world to piss of. Dont want to read any summary of my life as it is now. Last official person Ive talked with said - oh your in worser shit now then last time I saw you. But of course she couldnt offer any help nor assistence to this situation that keeps getting worser.
Know that Im saying it doesnt matter cause not to be cared for least say loved by anyone hurts and leave me pretty lonely when I could have needed a friendly voice. Its the shield I need to put up to be able to move on.
Hope we still can make it out of this shit Punky. Sending you supportive thoughts.
Know that Im saying it doesnt matter cause not to be cared for least say loved by anyone hurts and leave me pretty lonely when I could have needed a friendly voice. Its the shield I need to put up to be able to move on.
Hope we still can make it out of this shit Punky. Sending you supportive thoughts.
One step at a time
Diamond Member
I came on the forum to try and articulate the thing I'm experiencing right now and come to find out, there's an active thread about it right now...
TL;DR on Monday I also had someone accurately summarize things and it was too much and I flipped and I am still shaken by it.
I've learned some things in the process of trying to heal, like "it mattered," "it still matters, now, because it is still affecting me," and the classic "it was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve it and nobody deserves it." And with each of these things, the first time T said it (because I trust her to only say things she honestly believes) it felt like a physical blow. With each of these things, after a lot of painful wrestling and dissociating and coming back to wrestle some more, I came to believe it, too. I count a total of eight such beliefs.
But on Monday, we were talking, and in two phrases, T suddenly encapsulated all eight, and it was too much. I could not believe all at once, and feel what it meant for all of them to be true. It was too much feeling. In the past, if something was too much and I couldn't process it, I would automatically withdraw deeply, and the rest of the session would be spent trying to bring myself back again. But this time I fought the withdrawal - I wanted so badly to stay present enough to process the thing, but I also wanted to behave myself and I knew that if I tried to process I might lose certain kinds of self-control and I was afraid to do that in front of T even though she said it would be okay and I couldn't scare her but still. So I got stuck in this place between fully feeling and fully dissociated (a place that, for various reasons, I call my "triple point") and it felt like pain and panic.
And we talked about it a little, and I think that healing might involve going back to that triple point again and choosing feeling fully. And then dealing with the consequences of that choice.
First I need to be stronger, I need to trust that I will be able to stay safe through that process, and I need to let go of my fear of being completely unrestrained/not-polite in front of T, and to trust her when she says that she can handle whatever happens and whatever I do.
TL;DR on Monday I also had someone accurately summarize things and it was too much and I flipped and I am still shaken by it.
I've learned some things in the process of trying to heal, like "it mattered," "it still matters, now, because it is still affecting me," and the classic "it was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve it and nobody deserves it." And with each of these things, the first time T said it (because I trust her to only say things she honestly believes) it felt like a physical blow. With each of these things, after a lot of painful wrestling and dissociating and coming back to wrestle some more, I came to believe it, too. I count a total of eight such beliefs.
But on Monday, we were talking, and in two phrases, T suddenly encapsulated all eight, and it was too much. I could not believe all at once, and feel what it meant for all of them to be true. It was too much feeling. In the past, if something was too much and I couldn't process it, I would automatically withdraw deeply, and the rest of the session would be spent trying to bring myself back again. But this time I fought the withdrawal - I wanted so badly to stay present enough to process the thing, but I also wanted to behave myself and I knew that if I tried to process I might lose certain kinds of self-control and I was afraid to do that in front of T even though she said it would be okay and I couldn't scare her but still. So I got stuck in this place between fully feeling and fully dissociated (a place that, for various reasons, I call my "triple point") and it felt like pain and panic.
And we talked about it a little, and I think that healing might involve going back to that triple point again and choosing feeling fully. And then dealing with the consequences of that choice.
First I need to be stronger, I need to trust that I will be able to stay safe through that process, and I need to let go of my fear of being completely unrestrained/not-polite in front of T, and to trust her when she says that she can handle whatever happens and whatever I do.
One step at a time
Diamond Member
A big part of why I joined this community is because collectively, we serve as reminders to each other that we are not alone, even though it is easy to feel that way.
For me, this community is also about sharing our ways of doing more than surviving - our ways of coping and healing and thriving. Someone told me "It doesn't get better," because the trauma never goes away, "but we can get better."
So, for the record: I care. The fact that you are in hell is not okay by me. I admire your strength in surviving it. I hope we can get better.
For me, this community is also about sharing our ways of doing more than surviving - our ways of coping and healing and thriving. Someone told me "It doesn't get better," because the trauma never goes away, "but we can get better."
So, for the record: I care. The fact that you are in hell is not okay by me. I admire your strength in surviving it. I hope we can get better.
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