General Today I Lost It

[newbie2011]

Brief history - my ex has combat PTSD from last tour (returned home end of last year) diagnosed and started weekly 1/2 day therapy sessions 2 months ago. Has become distant, uncommunicative, emotionless, won't meet up etc since starting therapy. This week communication re-started :) although won't speak on the phone but will text (so frustrating but it's a start). I mentioned I've been speaking with sufferers of PTSD which seems to have made him slightly inquisitive. Anyway he's been guarded and defensive, he's over analysing texts and taking the wrong context, told me to leave him alone etc then slowly came back again. I hate texts for that reason and he knows this, I said I'd rather speak on the phone but he's obviously not ready for that. Anyway he reverted back to his 'old'self sending decent messages and I decided to text my thoughts on PTSD, therapy and recovery and us - I would rather have sent this in a letter but unfortunately he's never at base at the moment, and he seems to be re-reading his texts so had to do the next best thing :O_o:

Anyway next day he contacts me and says he wants to meet up at some point (MAJOR breakthrough!!), meanwhile I try to keep my feet on the ground! I get normal texts through the day then by evening he's starting to over analyse them so I say goodnight. Next day he has therapy - silence, no answer to 2 texts I send so I leave him alone. Today he answers my texts, initially nice then he starts using unacceptable language to which I text him saying what he sent is not appropriate when speaking with a woman. To which I get told if I don't like it then don't contact him. PTSD or not I am not having any guy text me using extreme foul language, I used to get on to him about his language prior to PTSD and he did curb it so I know he can do it! And I know he isn't allowed to swear in front of his family (which made me think he either disrespects me or is too comfortable with me that he used to try and swear in front of me-either way not good!)

A polite response from myself stating he wouldn't speak to his family like that so he has to treat me with respect too as I don't like that language. BOOM the can of worms was opened - I got a text full of abusive language in return. Should I have walked away and bit my tongue?? Well I lost it and told him what I thought of him - told him I loved the old him but the new him is nasty and hurtful at times and I hoped he was proud of himself! I also said I thought he had behavioural problems as well as PTSD. I then managed to pull myself back and explained all I had asked was for him not to use that language with me.

How do you deal with these situations??:confused: I understand there has to be boundaries and I feel he overstepped one. I feel if I walk away and say nothing he feels like he has got away with it and he's so stubborn he wouldn't come back on his own accord. His head is definitely all over the place and he seems to be clinging on with his fingernails since starting therapy but I don't want to use the PTSD as an excuse.

Any help greatly appreciated :)

 

[amethist]

Telling him that you expect not to be spoken to like that is the way to go. Like you said he over stepped the boundary, and ignoring it would be like letting him off the hook.

PTSD or not, if you dont like it, dont except it.

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you Amethist , sometimes it's hard knowing what to do and knowing you're doing the right thing definitely helps!

 

[Anna]

You were right to tell him you wanted to be treated with respect and not accepting the foul language.

I swear like a sailor myself, but would never ever disrespect my partner by swearing at them.

There is a time and a place for everything.

Should give him a bar of soap, send him to the bathroom to wash his mouth out hehe.

 

[Lemmingnot]

Don't kick yourself for letting lose on your husband...even with the best intentions, sometimes things interfere, like tiredness, hunger, being in traffic, whatever. My husband and I have been dealing with this for the past 11 years and at times both of us lose it. Finding this website has given me lots of ideas on how to make things smoother for us. Plus, people here understand the unique frustrations a supporter feels.

I'm still learning to deal with it myself. For me, I would say it's situational in how I deal with things. This website has given me additional tools for dealing with my husband's rage. I feel better prepared to handle confrontations in the future because of these new options that I have.

 

[mamachick]

I agree with what everyone else has already said. Having ptsd, we can control it-as difficult as that can be at times, and you do not deserve to be treated this way.

I read the first part of your post over a couple of times though. He is your ex? I was just wondering abuot that because my ex and I have some communication but know at times that we need to cut the ties. My therapist says that, and there is something that is not quite cut loose. Contact is generally related around kids or joint property, but boundaries get a bit blurred at times. I just wondered if that came up in his therapy and this is his way of pushing you away? Its a different time these days, I know divorced people who re-marry and they all celebrate thanksgiving together-I say I didnt enjoy meals with him when I was married as he usually didnt know weather it was prime rib or sos that he was eating anyway.

 

[newbie2011]

I think he 'hides' behind text messages, he would never dare say anything like that to my face or even on the phone. We have had a couple of situations where previously he has sent nasty texts then phoned me straight away and felt my wrath!! I'm fiesty and it's not often I show my temper but when I do god help the person on the receiving end, and he has always backed down instantly. But that's not a side of my nature I like seeing and thankfully it rarely happens as I'm usually quite a controlled person however I feel he seems to push for a reaction at times, and most of the time I don't give him one. He's quite immature and I've noticed this even more since he started therapy. Interestingly enough lately I've been out with friends, really living and enjoying my life again and this seems to be bothering him as he keeps asking where I've been.

Brat17 - although he is my ex we don't have anything joint together eg kids, property etc but sometimes I feel like he's so bitter about the situation with his ex (she left him for someone else) that he tries to take it out on me and feel like he's trying to punish me -again I have told him this. To be honest I don't know whats happening in his therapy sessions. Although we had ups and down prior to therapy, since he started therapy we only seem to have had downs and that's why we split up. I get the feeling he is scared to see me, he says he doesn't know how he feels about seeing me but he was so smitten for me I wonder if he's scared to see me in case it opens up his feelings again as he was totally obsessed with me. Who knows.

One things for sure I'm definitely feeling much better now I've got my life back and spending time with family and friends - it definitely helps you to detach slightly and become stronger :)