Marymickaela
Silver Member
I've been seeing my new EMDR trauma therapist every week since the end of April. She's gotten to know me in depth, but I've never been able to get in touch with my feelings. I never feel anything, can't remember the last time I cried. Today we talked about my feeling anxious about coming to therapy today. We talked for quite a while before starting EMDR and she finally said "let's do EMDR on your anxiety".
I listen to headphones listening to tones for the EMDR. She asked me to go to my earliest memory about what we had been talking about (which I think was my anxiety) so I went to when I was 19 and my dad had beaten the crap out of me and I ran away from home, filing assault and battery changes against my dad. I described in detail what happened that night, lying in bed quiet as a mouse, filled with anxiety, until finally at 4am I felt it was safe to open the back door and slip out. My body was feeling such tension everywhere, she asked me to just be an observer of all this. I stopped for a minute or so and just listened to the tones trying to calm myself down.
Suddenly I skipped forward to many years later started talking about when my husband and I moved out of state and what a relief it was to be away from all that stress, then further ahead to 1989 and my mom getting kidney cancer.
We ended the session and I removed the headphones, but kept talking about the moment my mom died. I was in her hospital room, knew this was the end, said goodbye to her, looked at the nurse and said "should I call my dad?" She said "yes". I walked out of the room to call him, turned around to see the nurse and my sister-in-law walking out of the room to say she was gone. I don’t know where it came from but I suddenly started sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably and while sobbing continued to describe how when my dad got there my brother and I stood next to him. I wanted him to hold me so badly, he had tears coming down his face like a little lost child and I guess I tried to comfort him. The therapist reached for tissues as she started crying too. I kept crying for several more minutes talking about all I wanted was for my dad to hold me, say everything was going to be ok.
I sobbed that when my mom got cancer I just wanted her to be happy, take her to Disneyworld. How at Christmas we had held each other sobbing how much we loved each other and didn’t know if we'd see each other again.
Our session lasted 1 hour and 15 minutes. She was willing to keep listening, but I knew we had gone way over our time. I’ve never had a therapist like this, she’s so amazing. I hope this makes sense. It was an indescribable session and I am so exhausted.
I listen to headphones listening to tones for the EMDR. She asked me to go to my earliest memory about what we had been talking about (which I think was my anxiety) so I went to when I was 19 and my dad had beaten the crap out of me and I ran away from home, filing assault and battery changes against my dad. I described in detail what happened that night, lying in bed quiet as a mouse, filled with anxiety, until finally at 4am I felt it was safe to open the back door and slip out. My body was feeling such tension everywhere, she asked me to just be an observer of all this. I stopped for a minute or so and just listened to the tones trying to calm myself down.
Suddenly I skipped forward to many years later started talking about when my husband and I moved out of state and what a relief it was to be away from all that stress, then further ahead to 1989 and my mom getting kidney cancer.
We ended the session and I removed the headphones, but kept talking about the moment my mom died. I was in her hospital room, knew this was the end, said goodbye to her, looked at the nurse and said "should I call my dad?" She said "yes". I walked out of the room to call him, turned around to see the nurse and my sister-in-law walking out of the room to say she was gone. I don’t know where it came from but I suddenly started sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably and while sobbing continued to describe how when my dad got there my brother and I stood next to him. I wanted him to hold me so badly, he had tears coming down his face like a little lost child and I guess I tried to comfort him. The therapist reached for tissues as she started crying too. I kept crying for several more minutes talking about all I wanted was for my dad to hold me, say everything was going to be ok.
I sobbed that when my mom got cancer I just wanted her to be happy, take her to Disneyworld. How at Christmas we had held each other sobbing how much we loved each other and didn’t know if we'd see each other again.
Our session lasted 1 hour and 15 minutes. She was willing to keep listening, but I knew we had gone way over our time. I’ve never had a therapist like this, she’s so amazing. I hope this makes sense. It was an indescribable session and I am so exhausted.
