Relationship Too Concerned With Me And My Past

[lovesm]

I always wished to be with someone who truly cared about me, cared about where I've been, what I've seen, what I dreamed of. Now I know to be careful what I wish for. My sufferer is so concerned with my past and who I've been with that it has ruined our relationship once again. I allowed him to use my computer and he viewed some pictures from 2006. Yes, 7 years ago. Pics of me and a guy I dated, a guy I had not told him about because it wasn't significant to me. He sees the pics and immediately asks me if I slept with the guy. I said no, which was the truth then politely asked him not to go through my old files as I would never go through his old pictures. He shut the laptop and has barely spoken a sentence to me since. This all happened a day ago. The silence is hurtful. I keep asking him to tell me the real issue but he says he doesn't want to talk. The worst part is, we are moving 1700 miles to his hometown next week. We have things to get done and items to pack. Kind of hard to move cross country when your partner is ignoring you.

Not sure if I'm asking for help or sympathy. All I know is that it hurts and I wish he would put his feelings aside for me just this one time. Something so small shouldn't morph into something so big.

I hate you ptsd.

 

[nomedic1]

I guess he feels.insecure, as he has PTSD now. Maybe try and talk to him again.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry to suggest he may have more issues than PTSD. Maybe it was a one time thing and it will blow over, but if he shows any pattern of obsession with who you've been with, has issues with controlling you, and is abusive, you might want to reconsider if he is right for you.

Maybe I'm misreading. I hope so.

I have PTSD and I don't blow up at my husband's prior relationships, I don't ask him who he slept with, and I wouldn't punish him with the silent treatment if I saw a photo of him and a previous girlfriend.

You may choose to move with him, but you can always move out. You always have options.

 

[Lucycat]

I am a second wife to my husband so he has a huge history /another life from before we met. There have been times when his previous life does seem like a big deal, however what we have done is sit down together and looked through old photo albums. Yes as well as exwife there are loads of ex-girlfriends and I do feel uncomfortable dealing with it all sometimes. But...

We all have a past and there is no point allowing it to poison the future.

 

[rightkindofme]

That sounds scary to me. I wouldn't want to move with someone who acted that way.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I highly suggest you postpone or cancel the move. He apparently has some pretty significant insecurity and jealousy issues and moving back to his hometown (his 'turf' and comfort zone) is going to put you in a pretty vulnerable position. The silent treatment is a control issue and is unacceptable. Especially considering this "offense" happened long before he came into the picture. He cannot expect you to have been sitting on hold until he entered your life. You are entitled to have a life and a history just as much as he is. If you choose to, proceed with caution with this guy and don't rush into any life-altering situations (like relocating across the country) until you are 100% sure you and he are in a good place with mutual trust and respect.

 

[lovesm]

The move was my idea and when I was offered a job in his hometown, I jumped on it. I start work at my new job in a couple of weeks and have already resigned at my current place of employment so canceling the move is not an option.

All of his exes have cheated on him and he feels that if he had asked them more about their past and the men they had been with, he somehow would have saved himself some heartache. So here I come along and he wants to know everything about my past relationships which I don't think is necessary or valid. I have made the mistake of telling him things before and he would judge me and make comments so I don't want to do that again.

The idea of going through old pictures together sounds like a good idea but to be honest, I'm not even sure if that is the main issue. There was no blow up or fight, I very calmly asked him not to go through my things and he very calmly closed the laptop and hasn't said a word since.

 

[sisu]

At this point it is a red flag and now that you are both aware of this issue, you can work on it together. If he is willing. We all have baggage of some sort - so if both people are willing to work on it, then there is hope. Good luck to you.

 

[Snowangel1225]

All of his exes have cheated on him

How do you know this? Because that is what he told you? Not to be harsh here, but just because he tells you something, it doesn't make it true. Even if he honestly believes they did cheat on him, that also doesn't necessarily make it true.

He is insecure and jealous and he may feel that he was cheated on and will be cheated on again but that is *his* problem, not yours and therefore, something that HE needs to work on. You haven't done anything wrong and do not deserve to be punished for his insecurities or someone else's past sins.

Maybe you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him, set some boundaries and stick with them. One of the first rules should be that the silent treatment is passive-aggressive bs and does not solve anything. If he wants to be an adult and be in a healthy relationship, then walking away and taking a break instead of saying something you will regret later is acceptable, but it needs to be followed with communication or nothing will be solved.