Too Embarrassed To Face My Therapist Again

[FindingMyself88]

@KwanYingirl we did MANY months of grounding skills and such before ever starting EMDR. It's incredibly hard work. He is probably waiting not on the flashbacks to stop, but to find some tools to help you stay present and not dissociate. I still have moments where the memories get overwhelming and I do dissociate but my therapist is very intuitive to when this happens and we have some tools in place. Such as she keeps eucalyptus oil for me to smell, play dough to play with, we will take breaks and go for a walk, etc.

As for the flashbacks I'm not sure why he would wait on those because the point of EMDR is to help with flashbacks and memories. Now of course my T will not do EMDR if I'm in crisis mode because of the flashbacks because that would and did put me over the top once and ended up being admitted into psychiatric unit for a week. But we use flashbacks as a guide for when to do EMDR. My T says that when the flashbacks come up it is my brains way of telling me it's time to process them.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@FindingMyself88 please let us know how your session goes today! I know you're nervous, and it will be difficult, but I believe in you!

I also want you to know that you're not alone in this because I have a difficult session coming up tomorrow. I need something specific from my therapist because I've been dealing with what she calls a double crisis, or two unexpected events happening simultaneously. I emailed her and asked her to ask me what I needed directly, otherwise i'm not sure I can sure if I could taller. I will do my I emailed her yesterday and told her to ask me what I needed directly, otherwise I'm not sure I will be able to tell her . I will do my best to let you know what happens tomorrow morning, but I am also wondering if you would like to talk through PM as well? I'm thinking of you, hoping you're able to talk about what happened last week, and get some much-needed closer/relief!

 

[Rumors]

Sending good vibes your way @FindingMyself88. I wish it were easier and all I can say is that your are incredibly brave to put yourself out there for healing. I hope you can find comfort in those words... Check back in, ok?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FindingMyself88 thanks for the insight. I think an essential oil is a great idea which I will try. Eucalyptus might be too much for me, but Tiger Balm is soothing to me. Good luck, I'm glad you're feeling better. It's tough to be beboping along and then whack- cut off at the knees

 

[Dana1010]

I can't even say it here because it's so embarrassing. I got picked on horribly in school because of it and it's a very big negative belief I have about myself to this day.

In my experience, people tease you about stuff that's kind of stupid. If it's really jaw-dropping, disturbingly embarrassing, (like the ways I've embarrassed myself), they back off because super embarrassing stuff embarrasses people around you too. They don't want to talk about it. So the fact that you were teased about it makes me think it wasn't super serious.

Also if you didn't, but should have learned it in childhood, that sounds like your parents' fault, not yours. And there's no way it could be the worst your therapist has heard.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you all for the support.

My therapist was very supportive. I knew going in I would not be able to talk about what came up. So I wrote a letter to her explaining my feelings. She read it and said that we would address it at a later time but for now we need to focus on the original trauma we were processing.

She had a cancellation for tomorrow so she booked me then too. We only have tomorrow and next week before she leaves for a month and despite doing EMDR for the last 3 weeks we are still at a 9 out of 10 on intensity rate. We are normally done by now.

We went over on time today which cut into her lunch time. I felt bad but she said don't worry. She was very concerned about the self harming I have done to my arm and legs.

Afterwards I had a neurology appointment. I've been having serious health problems including fainting spells. My doctors keep trying to blame it on my PTSD. Granted I know stress is bad on your health- up until like the past month I was doing GOOD for the first time in years. It's so incredibly invalidating.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well done @FindingMyself88 !! Good luck with the neurologist. I used to faint and it was due to severe anemia. Then I had every teadt in the world trying to figure out what was making me anemic. Finally it was because of my chemical exposure.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you. She is ordering a heart monitor for a month and more bloodwork but otherwise they aren't doing too much about it. I seriously cannot afford to fall and hit my head again.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh no!! Do you get any warning that you're going to faint? Better keep that eucalyptus oil handy to use like smelling salts. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this on top of everything else. I'll be thinking of you, sending healing intentions your way. Not to impose on you, just positive thoughts. I hope you don't mind.

 

[Dana1010]

I seriously cannot afford to fall and hit my head again.

I believe there are some members here who have had fainting as a PTSD symptom. You may want to do a search for posts about it and PM the members for advice on how you might deal with it.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @KwanYingirl i appreciate the positive thoughts. I do have a few symptoms which is helpful- but if it's already a bad day I don't notice them.

@Dana1010 she just got the results of my EEG and it is indicating a seizure disorder. I have to have another EEG done. It's more than just my PTSD- aside from this crisis I've been managing my PTSD a lot better. I've had numerous other symptoms with this such as confusion, numbness in predominantly right arm and leg but also in left, tinnitus, etc.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good luck with this news. No doubt you'll have many tests, but as long as it leads to stabilization, they're worth it.