Too Emotionally Distant

[Deleted member 28862]

sigh I just.... I don't know anymore, recently I've been curious about love, but when it boils down to it, love, hate, anger,happy,shock etc etc. I don't really feel the anymore, I just feel an endless amount of despair. I don't feel to attached to anyone, even my closest friend, I'm uncomfortable with my brother, I don't trust his wife, she's selfish and inconsiderate, my parents... lol funny. I'm not close to any of my family members, so getting close emotionally to a stranger is literally taboo to me. I don't know anymore, things that should effect me don't. If a guy comes onto me I don't see it. Like I really don't know.

The fact that I'm curious about boyfriends, is amazing in it self. I feel like I just want someone who will truly be there for me rather than just saying they will be, someone who I can feel has actual true love for me, someone whom my cynical personality never comes out around. Whether it's my boyfriend or not, girl or boy...heck I don't even know if I' straight, or gay or bi. It's so frustrating and it gives me anxiety. I just hate not knowing...oh that's an emotion I have a lot of hate. The only thing I love is my 3 dogs, and I get real emotional when the fancy someone other than me.

Honestly what do I do. I want love...I guess....but everytime I think i've found a person I can trust and love....it bites me in the butt. My best friend told me to move to a different country, but whats the point, I won't talk to anyone more than I don't talk to people here.

I'm so confused, I really hate being confused, I'm really emotionally unstable at this point and literally everyone if giving me bullshit advice on irrelevant crap like they know what they're talking about, like my brother telling me that I act like I'm at my peak, I'm the best and have no intent on changing for the better, honestly I became so angry when he said that. I know he doesn't know how I feel our understand it but why is it that people just dismiss what happened. to be dealing with this on my own is just too much. the fact that 3 dogs are the only things keeping me alive is just kind of sad. and even now I feel they're causing me more harm than good. I just want one day ONE DAY to not feel anything but true love from someone, that's literally all I want. with that I believe I can live a more peaceful life. To have someone I can come to when I get emotional, when I get stressed or just want to vent and not have a 4 hour lecture to follow, someone I can love and someone who truly loves me. I know I'm 20 I'm still young, but 15 years is a hell of a long time to live a depressed life.

 

[Hope to Encourage]

Esha I am really sorry you are going through and have gone through so much. I hope that knowing people on this site support you helps you to feel less alone. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[crystaltear]

Hey Esha,

I'm sorry you feel so crappy at the moment. :(

I also would love to fall in love with someone one day who accepts me for who I am, and is there for me whether Im having a great day or a horrible one. I've only experienced painful, unhealthy romantic relationships so far, but I think a huge part of that is due to the fact that I just didn't love myself, so I gravitated towards guys who gave me the attention I craved but were ultimately very emotionally abusive.

To feel love, one must open themselves up to being hurt. It sucks, but its true. Maybe you could join a group/ go somewhere new and just meet some new people? You probably wont find your soul mate right away (or maybe you will?) but you'll be puting yourself out there, and opening yourself up to the opportunity to love and be loved.

Loving yourself is paramount to creating any kind of healthy, love-filled relationship. And knowing that you were created on purpose, and are unconditionally loved and accepted by an all-powerful and beautiful God, well that's the best place to start.

You are amazing. It's just the truth.

I know we don't know one another yet, but I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.

All the best.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@brittney91 Thank you so much for your kind words. It does help to know I have supporters here.

@crystaltear The entire love yourself first is an extreme uphill battle for me personally, I've been trying to do so for over 5 years now to prevail. But thank you for your advice.

 

[crystaltear]

It is for sure an uphill battle. Don't give up. You're worth it. x

 

[illusionist]

Esha.....I have tried to love myself for a quarter of a century....it is just never going to happen for me. I am happy with respecting and accepting myself. I personally havnt needed to love myself in order to find normal, healthy, loving relationships. My advice is to not get too hung up on the loving yourself bit......have seen too many people go too far on that and the relationship becomes all about ' me'.

 

[shimmerz]

Yep, I am oscillating between despair and .... something else right now. So very frustrating. They say we can't see what we are not. You feel love with your dogs. That isn't pathetic. It is a place to start.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

.I have tried to love myself for a quarter of a century....it is just never going to happen for me.

See that's the thing, I honestly don't believe you have to lave all of yourself to find love. So when someone tells me to love myself first.....it irritates me, because I know it's not going to happen over night,but I think 5 - 9 years would be substantial time to at least start to. I'm really tired of trying to honestly. I don't want it to be about me, I'm always thinking of other people, if someone doesn't check up on me I don't sleep, eat, I'm just always working and taking care of other people or my dogs.

 

[illusionist]

look at it this way....if you don't take care of yourself....how are you going to be able to take care of others to the best of your ability? Many....myself included ( in the past) feed themselves up on the feel good factor of doing for others. Too much isn't healthy..we wear ourselves out then question why others expect so much from us. I started to realise that it wasn't them expecting too much, I was willingly giving too much and feeding well on the feel good feelings..until I was making myself ill through neglecting myself.

So to me, either giving too much, or too little is just as unhealthy as the other. That's where learning to respect and accept yourself brings balance both to yourself, and relationships.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@shimmerz I don't think it's pathetic.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@richter scale I don't really run myself ragged, sometime I eat and feel like crap after words and don't eat for days after, I know how my body is when I'm sick so I take care of my health, I don't really actually neglect myself, I just... my mind just isn't always on myself. I don't expect anything from anyone and I'm never surprised when someone is depending on me of something.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

on the "love yourself" first idea .. I think it's overstated, and not really "understood" .. one of those things we all say and think we know what we mean, but do we?

BUT, "love" as a CHOICE? a "decision" or an ACTION? THAT I can do - in spite of how I "feel" - which means I can make good decisions about getting enough rest, going to the gym when it's the LAST place I want to go, but I'm "loving" my body, etc. In this way, I can "love" myself, take care of myself, etc. and not drop "expectations" on my man to "take care of me." ...

Kinda in keeping with this idea:

look at it this way....if you don't take care of yourself....how are you going to be able to take care of others to the best of your ability?

One other thought - maybe practice "imagining" qualities you admire about people in general - I really appreciate people who are TENDER HEARTED, for example - and then let yourself imagine what kinds of observable things might characterize someone like that (what kind of "work" might that person choose, what kinds of activities would make them happy, etc.) .. I don't mean to suggest we get carried away with fantasies, but more to nurture HOPE of finding a friend who is TRUSTWORTHY and admirable for their own reasons. Maybe the "feelings" will naturally open up in that kind of context?

I'm really just "thinking out loud" here .. Please don't mind me poking my nose in the middle of the discussion. ;)

~S2B