Too exhausted to keep fighting

[AJ45]

What is one to do when they are just too exhausted from all the fighting and trying to survive that one an no longer fight? Have the strength, the only thing one can do is give into the one thing that can make everything end and be ok.

 

[MrMoonlight]

We give ourselves a break and nourish our mind/body with warm, forgiving, loving and tender care. We recognize that we deserve better and we seek it out. We have our down times, our isolation, fear, shame...whatever but if we can no longer hold the fight we give ourselves a break. It's not fight or death...

Sending good mojo. We can do this...

 

[AJ45]

i wish it were that simple.

 

[MrMoonlight]

What's going on @AJ45 ? What is our illness telling you?

 

[AJ45]

to be done. that im too tired to keep fighting. i dont want life anymore. it would be easier to just die.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Truth be told I don't know..I just know that the only end to my life story I am able to see is one hanging from a rope. Why haven't I done it yet, fear, waiting for the last trauma to happen..I don't know but my fight, is deeper than I realized. Everytime I think I can't do it anymore I continue on. I can't give you that reason but that's how it goes for me. I want to die because I have never been able to see a future for myself yet here I type. I get so depressed, lonely, lost and feel so isolated and separated.

Yet here I type, still looking still fighting. I used to fight with booze, drugs, isolation now I try to fight with knowledge and understanding. I learned self care this year (showering, clothing, eating, exercising). My fight continues with bouts of suicidal ideation but I'm starting to learn about where that is coming from as I learn about PTSD.

I don't know man but you now have a huge room full of supportive people that have been there and understand. That was a miricle realization for me...

 

[AJ45]

I understand its just at the point where i cant anymore i wish i could but my actions tell me i cant. Iv e tried to talk to therapists, counselors, psych, meds, confidential campus addocate nothing helps.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi @AJ45 - I wanted to let you know that a few things have been edited out of your last post - we allow discussing of suicidal thinking, but not actual planning. That warning doesn't mean you need to leave - just that we can't be the ones to really handle the level of crisis that a suicidal action indicates.

I've been where you are, a lot. A lot a lot. I want to write more, but wanted to get this message to you first.

Also: do you know what your options are, if you need some 3-d crisis support?

 

[joeylittle]

but my actions tell me i cant.

It's all choices. You have choices.

Right now, and sounds like for a long time, it's been looking to you like you don't have choices. That you've tried every avenue, and the only choice left is to shut the system down.

Something people say often, but it's really important and true - is that you don't really want to die. You want relief. Dying seems like the way to get relief, but there is no relief in dying. There's a whole lot of hard, and then there's nothing. It looks like an option, but it really isn't. Relief can come in other forms.

 

[AJ45]

thanks joey.

i just dont have it in me anymore. your right it is a choice.

thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Then stop fighting.

I’m not saying to give up or die.

I’m saying to stop fighting.

Rest.

Just be.

 

[joeylittle]

You mentioned campus support - are you in school?