Childhood Too many definitions for CSA

[sunshinedaydream]

How can I know what is the truth? I didn't say no at first, and can't understand if its my fault.

 

[EveHarrington]

Were you a child? Was the perp an adult? By definition it’s abuse.

Were you a child? Was the other person a child? This area is a little bit more gray, but if it affected you then the label doesn’t matter, you still deserve to heal.

:hug:

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Thank you. One of them was a child. One was a teenager. Others were all adults. I was a child. It's confusing. It feels like it was my fault.

 

[Skywatcher]

Thank you. One of them was a child. One was a teenager. Others were all adults. I was a child. It's confusing. It feels like it was my fault.

It is not your fault. I fully know how it can feel that way, especially if you slip into your wounded child part. A trauma therapist can help guide you on this.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Thank you Skywalker. I just started therapy a couple of months ago. We worked on a safe place and safe person. He asked if I could imagine the safe person comforting a child that age as the first times things happened. Do you think that is trying to help with the wounded child part? I'm not familiar with parts, and how it all works. I do feel like sometimes when I panic and have an immediate terrified reaction, that it feels like it can be that.

 

[piratelady]

My therapist uses the same technique with me - imagining me comforting a child of that age. He says I use my adult brain and reasoning to try to make the abuse my fault, when really there is no way a child would have the understanding or sometimes the support to know it was abuse or how to stop it. We are assessing the situation looking back as an adult now, but we weren’t then. But, what happened then was abuse, and not our fault and that child deserved to be comforted

 

[Skywatcher]

@sunshinedaydream hoping not to confuse you. I do not mean “parts” in the sense of DID or anything like that. There are many different therapy models out there, but almost all of them share a similar concept. Some call it “inner child,” in emdr they refer to it as “wounded parts” frozen in time. IFS has all different kinds of roles/parts. It’s just different ways to label these bizarre younger feelings we sometimes get in therapy, I think. IMO, your T is doing two things: giving you resources of comfort when you slip into your ptsd past and also trying to help you see yourself as the vulnerable child that you were. It is so easy to blame ourselves. I don’t even understand it because rationally it makes absolutely no sense to blame a child that is taken advantage of, yet when it comes to me, I had all of these justifications in telling my therapist why it was my fault. I now see that it wasn’t, but it took some time and it seems like we are back at square one with each trauma that occurred. I guess my brain just loves for me to spend money rather than to apply what I learned from one trauma to the next. ?

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Thank you both so much. It is hard for me to do as I don’t remember what she looks like at that age and I don’t know how to comfort her. I feel like no one would be safe really if they knew all of what happened and I can’t get past that. How long did it take you to get to where you could do it? And feel it’s not your fault?

I texted with the sexual abuse hotline and they said its not my fault because I didn’t want him to touch me but I told her it’s not true. I did want him to. I was curious at first. Didn’t know what was going to happen.

 

[piratelady]

How long did it take you to get to where you could do it? And feel it’s not your fault?

Honestly, it’s only in the last week that I’ve started to really believe it’s not my fault. I’ve kind of felt this way before, so I don’t know if it will last but I’ll take it for now.

When I think of comforting someone or myself, I think of what I didn’t get. I imagine hugging her, listening to her story, and believing her. I got none of those things and when I look back at my childhood, it’s what I crave and wish I had.

I did want him to. I was curious at first. Didn’t know what was going to happen

Here’s the thing I just learned last week. As a child, you couldn’t understand what was going on. If you don’t understand it, how can you want it? Instead, (I can’t believe I’m about to use this word) predators manipulate us. They made us believe we wanted it. It’s just manipulation to get what they want because they know it’s wrong and it’s the only way they can make us compliant. But you know what? When you’re manipulated into doing something you don’t understand in the first place... it can’t be your fault. It’s the predators’ fault for doing something they knew good and well was wrong! They hold that blame, all of it. Not you, not me. We were victims.

 

[Skywatcher]

I believe the sexual abuse hotline stirred you 100 percent into wrong information. Guess what. Plenty of the things that are done to sexual abuse victims feel good. So much guilt can come from this, but it isn’t the child’s fault. Even if he or she wants it to happen again. My therapist has worked with me on this many times. She will spout off lists of reactions and toss it in there. I couldn’t believe it when I first heard her say, “even if she liked it.” I later emailed her a thank you for her list, still not saying which item mattered. Maybe the best approach could be to look at legal definitions. It’s spelled out pretty clearly that these actions committed on a child are wrong.

 

[Fadeaway]

A child can't consent period. Never the child's fault ever.

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Thank you. This is all really helpful. I just don’t know why I can’t it feels so confusing.