Too Many To Count

[Vonee]

Hi

I am new here and thank you for accepting me.

Try to tell a long tale very quickly.

Married 20 years 2 kids both daughters, one now physchycolosgist and one social worker - both with masters.

Both in field of women's justice and children's justice.

Divorced when kids were in their teens. Husband went off with another women or three.

Husband said it was over but older daughter alerted me to the fact that the affair with one of the women was going on.

He begged me to stay - I did - but he left me and that was that - youngest daughter never spoke to me for 11 years.

Stayed in touch with her Dad.

After divorce, entered prison system and became guard in a maximum security male prison. Went through a riot and spent weeks wading through human excrement and waste. Saw male rape.

Needed money.

Entered car lot every night and had male thingie on my windscreen with words - black lover on my windscreen. One day, went to prison and was told don't come back. By a prisoner. I never went back. The riot was beyond belief - stench, smell, wet rot. Noise. The clang of of banging against the bars. The noise was very loud. The girls had no idea what I went through and still do not.

<Edited by Anthony: Please write in paragraphs, NOT poem style writing.>

 

[Vonee]

My husband left and i tried to rebuild - I met a man who I was with for 7 years.

I got Cancer and he took me to the hospital, and I never saw him again.

I have just after 12 years met my youngest daughter by email - I have still to meet her and her 3 children.

My problem is that I am fearful of relationships given that my only two have been somewhat bad. I hate loud noises and bad smells - where I live, we had a bad flood, and the smell in the city was just like the smell after the riot.

I am unable to cope with smells, noise and trust.

I get very bad anxiety when challenged with intimacy or confrontation etc. And this is just a snapshot.

I get dizzy and cannot breathe and feel like I am going to die.
I cannot go to certain places - crowded - I cannot go down escalators.
I find it hard to drive on busy roads. I drive back roads to avoid the mayhem.
I avoid shopping centres and have started to shop online.
I don't go out and never answer my door when someone knocks.
I never invite interaction.
I don't trust anyone.

I have no friends and no one to talk with. Pretty lame I agree.
I can go months without speaking with another human being. I am 57 years old not unattractive but I have created a prison and I do not know how to get out of it. It is all very well to say meet people, do charity work...but I just can't.
When I speak I lose my voice after a while. I live in a prison and that was the one place I wanted to escape from.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Vonee)))

You sure have alot going on. You express yourself very well. You are not alone. Everyone here has their story to tell. Are you in treatment? Are you getting any help from people that you feel safe enough to talk to?

I recommend you find yourself some good therapy. Mabe some medications to help you with your symptoms. I know that is alot. How do you find decent help? Keep on reaching out and asking questions and go by your gut.

Baby steps. You have to start somewhere. You can keep on talking here and get support. Sorry if what I said hurt you in any way. But to be in a prison is not good or healthy. I'm glad you are here. Keep on talking and telling your story. Surely someone will have some ideas that you feel safe enough to try. Keep on talking. It will help. I hope things begin to get better for you soon.