Does this count as trauma?

Seriously, though, I quit telling stories a long ass time ago. Ain’t personal.
I understand. Really I do. I wasn't prying for gorey death stories. I hope you didn't take it that way. I have enough of those already. But if you want to tell me how awesome you are. Even if you f*cked up id be down. Restore my faith in humanity. If not thats ok too.. The shit you've done... most people don't have the balls to even try.
 
I'm pretty sure my dad messes with me on purpose. Maybe I just can't handle the alcoholism. But I'm pretty sure he messes with me on purpose. We don't talk. I know that most of it is me. But when I talk to him about things he just gets worse. Tells me to shut up. I dont respond well. Often he will just double down on things. Start to do them more. Stupid shit that I should just be able to ignore.

He likes to mess with the washer and dryer when I use them. Change settings. Take my clothes out early. Badger me about the lint trap. Or just repeatedly go in and check to see if my clothes are dry yet. We fight he does it more.

He likes to play with the thermostat. Especially when I'm sleeping and crank it way up. It gets hot in my room fast. I've measured it. It hits almost 90 degrees. He sits in the living room and leaves the door open until its freezing and then turns then cranks the heat up.

Sometimes he talks shit loud enough for me to hear him. I get so mad it makes me physically ill.

I had a garden the last two years. He would catch me weeding and come out drunk barking orders. I started waiting for his beer runs to weed. He caught me coming in the house when he got home from the store told me he wasn't even going to have a garden next year. I was gutted and quit weeding. It wasn't his garden other than the fact that he had to be in control of how much it got watered.

He buys very little food because he survives mostly on beer and whiskey. I feel ashamed because he shouldn't have to support me at all. But I'm angry because it was the same when I was a kid. Pork shoulder was his go to. Sometimes we would fight and he would begrudgingly buy ground beef and spaghetti. When time were good it was chili dogs. I miss real food.

I hate all of this. Even typing it makes me feel like a dirt bag. Like I'm doing something to him. I really do love my dad. But I dont know that I can I can put up with him anymore. I feel like a scumbag because he has done so much for me.
 
I've been talking to my mom and my daughter alot. When I share things I feel slimy. Unloading on people. I feel like I'm taking my pain and giving it to them. It feels wrong.
 
Woke up at 3 am. Must have had a nightmare. I never remember my dreams. I threw up water and stomach acid. I feel better now.
 
I've been talking to my mom and my daughter alot. When I share things I feel slimy. Unloading on people. I feel like I'm taking my pain and giving it to them. It feels wrong.
My rule has been I only share things with my kid (or anyone, but he’s the gold standard) if it’s useful TO him.

That’s gone badly, full stop.

When he was younger he wanted… everything. And? Nope! If I don’t wanna deal with it, as an adult, I’m sure as hell not putting that on a kid.

His therapists? Disagreed. STRONGLY. Because all he was “getting”? Was one story, told a dozen ways, of how much I sucked, by other people. Until? I spoke with them (his therapists) privately, and then they fell over themselves to agree that what I was withholding was NOTHING any kid should have to deal with, ever, but ALSO warned me my kid would likely hate me… possibly forever… only getting the “not my side” of things. Yep. I know. And it hurts. But he’s who matters.

Much later?

Parts of my story became relevant to him/his life.

And he hated me 10,000 times more… because of it. Maybe 10% of me/my story, shared only. Or 5%. This teeny tiny part of my life. And the HATRED / DISGUST / PAIN… I cannot even begin to express.

I don’t think there’s anything “right” to tell our kids.

Things I thought were inconsequential? GUTTED him. Things I thought were pivotal? Didn’t even twitch an eyelash.

IDFK.

Do what you think is right/best.

It probably won’t be. But? At least it’s something you can look at yourself in the mirror with… later. Honest. Intentioned wellest. Purposeful. Where the penny in the air drops? No. Idea.
 
When he was younger he wanted… everything. And? Nope! If I don’t wanna deal with it, as an adult, I’m sure as hell not putting that on a kid.

His therapists? Disagreed. STRONGLY. Because all he was “getting”? Was one story, told a dozen ways, of how much I sucked, by other people. Until? I spoke with them (his therapists) privately, and then they fell over themselves to agree that what I was withholding was NOTHING any kid should have to deal with, ever, but ALSO warned me my kid would likely hate me… possibly forever… only getting the “not my side” of things. Yep. I know. And it hurts. But he’s who matters.
Ya, i refused to talk to her about it for a long time. When i was shutting down her mom told her all kinds of things. Some of it true some of it not. She randomly started telling me that her mom never cheated on me. Like out of the blue. I was already in a bad way and yelled at her and told her that her mom was a liar. Im not even the one that caught her and him together. And i found their messages to each other on facebook when i broke into her account.

I know it was wrong to break into her account but i couldnt believe it at the time and i had to know. Ive told her all of it now. She doesnt hate me. She said i was a good dad until i went mental. Her mom is very abusive emotional. Physically? i mean she would hit me in the chest or arms when she got frustrated. I guess technically thats abusive but she couldnt hurt me if she wanted to without a weapon and she never used weapons. You decide if thats physical abuse. I never felt like it was. I kind of thought it was cute at the time. I was so infatuated as long as she told me she loved me i would have buried bodies for her.

Things I thought were inconsequential? GUTTED him. Things I thought were pivotal? Didn’t even twitch an eyelash.
Same, its so weird. I mean she was never gutted but things i thought were meaningful she didnt. Things she thought were meaningful i didnt.
Do what you think is right/best.

It probably won’t be. But? At least it’s something you can look at yourself in the mirror with… later. Honest. Intentioned wellest. Purposeful. Where the penny in the air drops? No. Idea.
I dont know whats right/best. But i put it out there because she wanted to know. Part of it was me wanting to tell her. Ya i was an asshole. But i wasnt the only one and her mom wasnt an abused spouse caught up by an evil dictator/abuser. That is definitely not what happened. Which i feel dumb about worrying about her thinking that because my daughter is smart and she lives with her mom. She already knows her mom can be a raging bitch just because shes in a bad mood.

I definitely dont want to try to drive a wedge between her and her mom. But i am not a monster and her mom isnt a saint. I was an ass. She was a bitch. It just so happens that she was a bitch long before i was an ass and im not the one that cheated. It is what it is.

If i had my way she would have never known about any of this.

My therapist said to tell her what i thought she needed to hear. I told her all of it but the sex stuff. Her mom will probably tell her that stuff eventually if she hasnt already but i think ill pass talking to my kid about my sex life.

She would deny me any sort of affection for long periods of time. Even if i just wanted to hold her hand. Started playing alot of video games. "Video games are for losers" Started jerking off and all hell broke loose. I couldnt even take a dump without her breaking in on me. Constant fight. If i had to work late, If i got stuck in traffic, if i looked in the direction of a hotgirl for half a second. Eventually a bikini barista opened down the street. Kept accusing me of going there. Ive been to 1 strip club when i was 19 and i didnt like it. And i have definitely never even been to a bikini barista. Paying 5+ dollars for coffee is dumb i dont care how naked you are.

She was pregnant thru alot of this stuff so i guess that gives her a "pass" i always blamed myself anyways. But my therapist says it doesnt work that way. I feel like, in reality with everyday people, it does.

And friday im sorry about your kid. That really sucks. I hope he forgives you.
 
Court went well. The prosecutor was super nice to me like last time and I didn't want to hurt the judge. So that was a positive improvement.
 
Been waiting on a nexus letter from my dads friend for about 2 months now. I have reminded him repeatedly I wrote my email address on a piece of paper to give to him almost a month ago because he said he needed a printer. Technically I needed it last week. The paper with my email on it is still sitting on my dads table. They see each other 3 or 4 times a week.

I've asked nicely, I've reminded him. This morning I asked him I've he was going to get the letter for me or if I should just forget about it. He got mad and went to the store. Probably for booze but idk. He came home and called his friend and tried to hand me the phone. I was pissed and walked out. Told him to forget about it.

I stayed with his friend for about 6 months after I got home from iraq. I rented his basement. Sat in the dark, reliving hell on earth. Barely slept or ate. Until I was going to kill myself and my mind snapped. Dissociative amnesia is what I think its called. Moved out got a job for a couple months and then shut down again.

Anyways we got into a huge argument in 2020 when I tried to show him what was on hunters laptop. He laughed in my face and called me crazy.. Apparently the government just acknowledged it was real not to long ago. Good job liberals on "electing" an actual Manchurian candidate. Well done, really.
 
I hate psychology. Its all in betweens and maybe. If its not this its that. But it could be this thing over here. Maybe, its that thing over there. But it might not be. Really not a fan.
 
Ive caught my daughters mom in at least 3 lies 8n the past couple weeks. Makes me think im crazy.. but other peoplle know about these things too and have confirmed im not crazy.. Her mom likes to hide behind her word vs mine but its not her word vs mine..

Thinking seriously about abandoning my va request and telling the child support system to throw me in jail. People shouldn't be incentivized to lie and cheat and gas light. I let my daughters mom do that and what am I teaching her?

I grew up homeless because of the child support system. They can only keep me in jail for max 5 years. Society is to stupid and I don't want any of it.
 
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