When he was younger he wanted… everything. And? Nope! If I don’t wanna deal with it, as an adult, I’m sure as hell not putting that on a kid.
His therapists? Disagreed. STRONGLY. Because all he was “getting”? Was one story, told a dozen ways, of how much I sucked, by other people. Until? I spoke with them (his therapists) privately, and then they fell over themselves to agree that what I was withholding was NOTHING any kid should have to deal with, ever, but ALSO warned me my kid would likely hate me… possibly forever… only getting the “not my side” of things. Yep. I know. And it hurts. But he’s who matters.
Ya, i refused to talk to her about it for a long time. When i was shutting down her mom told her all kinds of things. Some of it true some of it not. She randomly started telling me that her mom never cheated on me. Like out of the blue. I was already in a bad way and yelled at her and told her that her mom was a liar. Im not even the one that caught her and him together. And i found their messages to each other on facebook when i broke into her account.
I know it was wrong to break into her account but i couldnt believe it at the time and i had to know. Ive told her all of it now. She doesnt hate me. She said i was a good dad until i went mental. Her mom is very abusive emotional. Physically? i mean she would hit me in the chest or arms when she got frustrated. I guess technically thats abusive but she couldnt hurt me if she wanted to without a weapon and she never used weapons. You decide if thats physical abuse. I never felt like it was. I kind of thought it was cute at the time. I was so infatuated as long as she told me she loved me i would have buried bodies for her.
Things I thought were inconsequential? GUTTED him. Things I thought were pivotal? Didn’t even twitch an eyelash.
Same, its so weird. I mean she was never gutted but things i thought were meaningful she didnt. Things she thought were meaningful i didnt.
Do what you think is right/best.
It probably won’t be. But? At least it’s something you can look at yourself in the mirror with… later. Honest. Intentioned wellest. Purposeful. Where the penny in the air drops? No. Idea.
I dont know whats right/best. But i put it out there because she wanted to know. Part of it was me wanting to tell her. Ya i was an asshole. But i wasnt the only one and her mom wasnt an abused spouse caught up by an evil dictator/abuser. That is definitely not what happened. Which i feel dumb about worrying about her thinking that because my daughter is smart and she lives with her mom. She already knows her mom can be a raging bitch just because shes in a bad mood.
I definitely dont want to try to drive a wedge between her and her mom. But i am not a monster and her mom isnt a saint. I was an ass. She was a bitch. It just so happens that she was a bitch long before i was an ass and im not the one that cheated. It is what it is.
If i had my way she would have never known about any of this.
My therapist said to tell her what i thought she needed to hear. I told her all of it but the sex stuff. Her mom will probably tell her that stuff eventually if she hasnt already but i think ill pass talking to my kid about my sex life.
She would deny me any sort of affection for long periods of time. Even if i just wanted to hold her hand. Started playing alot of video games. "Video games are for losers" Started jerking off and all hell broke loose. I couldnt even take a dump without her breaking in on me. Constant fight. If i had to work late, If i got stuck in traffic, if i looked in the direction of a hotgirl for half a second. Eventually a bikini barista opened down the street. Kept accusing me of going there. Ive been to 1 strip club when i was 19 and i didnt like it. And i have definitely never even been to a bikini barista. Paying 5+ dollars for coffee is dumb i dont care how naked you are.
She was pregnant thru alot of this stuff so i guess that gives her a "pass" i always blamed myself anyways. But my therapist says it doesnt work that way. I feel like, in reality with everyday people, it does.
And friday im sorry about your kid. That really sucks. I hope he forgives you.
