woundedsoul
Silver Member
Dx'd with domestic violence induced PTSD in 2009. I am very reluctant/fearful of typing personally identifying information... that's the hard part, the PTSD fears. I hate the fear.
I've tried to heal myself through books about trauma and healing b/c the therapist I tried seeing immediately after trauma minimized the abuse I suffered. Just last week finally had the guts to try a new therapist who is a trauma specialist. We'll see how that goes. Problem is there is so much I do not want to tell her: like the fact that I completely isolate, and in the last two years I've become accustomed to isolation. I only go out if I have to. I live in my room, with my laptop and tv, smoke non-stop cig's and only come out to help my children (teens..oh, the guilt of this illness destroying even my mothering abilities...My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a good mother. I know I am not going to get better if I don't tell my therapist what is wrong with me. How on earth do I overcome the shame of admitting that I have become nothing but a breathing useless entity...just surviving... I hate this disorder. The apathy I feel towards everything...how much I've changed since PTSD..I used to be active, cared about my house, my yard, gardening, reading, laughing, swimming, and now the only thing I care about is my children. But how can I be proud to be their mother with the example I set of hiding in my room to protect myself from hurt and pain any deeper than I've already experienced. Burning shame is what I feel because of what I"ve become because of PTSD. Before PTSD I was sensitive. Now I feel like I don't even have a layer of skin protecting me. I attempted suicide in Oct. I have been told it's a miracle I am alive. How I could have done that to my children I'll never know. I never thought I would be capable of doing that to my innocent beloved children. I have been told, afterwards, I dissociated. All I can say is that after my gf called and asked me, did you know your' house is being auctioned tomorrow morning everything went black. I had no idea. Husband has not shared financial information with me for years. I went into total shock. I kept on telling myself, oh, my god, I cannot tell my children they are homeless. Over and over and over it was like a mantra and all I remember is that it was like everything went black, totally black.
Posting is much harder than I thought--- admitting and exposing myself and all my fears...this is scary as heck... and then my next thought is what am I afraid of, and then I think are these fears even rational???, then I want to retreat back to my isolation so I don't have to experience this fear rational or not. Oh I am so afraid of family id'ing me. I want to remain anonymous, I don't want anyone to know how helpless and afraid and alone and scared I feel....how pathetic I've become... I discust myself.
Odd how reluctant I am to post and then all of this came pouring out. I am thinking, what if my family comes across this site... these are secrets I am sharing. I don't want anyone to know how ill I really am. I don't want anyone to know I totally isolate...that I feel intense shame about myself and how this is and will effect my children... I feel useless and unable to do more than what I do.
THis is a horrible disorder. I am going to post, despite wanting to delete the whole thing and go back to the island of isolation i've built to try to protect myself...that isn't protection at all. From 2009 to 2011, when I attempted suicide, I was numb. I had completle numbed myself out to cope. I have come out of numb to a degree, but sometimes I want that numbness back, because this is too much to cope with. I am worried about the lack of interest in anything anymore. Total apathy with the exception of my children. The shame is killing me. My heart is pounding at the thought of posting this...of exposure...vulnerability.
I've tried to heal myself through books about trauma and healing b/c the therapist I tried seeing immediately after trauma minimized the abuse I suffered. Just last week finally had the guts to try a new therapist who is a trauma specialist. We'll see how that goes. Problem is there is so much I do not want to tell her: like the fact that I completely isolate, and in the last two years I've become accustomed to isolation. I only go out if I have to. I live in my room, with my laptop and tv, smoke non-stop cig's and only come out to help my children (teens..oh, the guilt of this illness destroying even my mothering abilities...My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a good mother. I know I am not going to get better if I don't tell my therapist what is wrong with me. How on earth do I overcome the shame of admitting that I have become nothing but a breathing useless entity...just surviving... I hate this disorder. The apathy I feel towards everything...how much I've changed since PTSD..I used to be active, cared about my house, my yard, gardening, reading, laughing, swimming, and now the only thing I care about is my children. But how can I be proud to be their mother with the example I set of hiding in my room to protect myself from hurt and pain any deeper than I've already experienced. Burning shame is what I feel because of what I"ve become because of PTSD. Before PTSD I was sensitive. Now I feel like I don't even have a layer of skin protecting me. I attempted suicide in Oct. I have been told it's a miracle I am alive. How I could have done that to my children I'll never know. I never thought I would be capable of doing that to my innocent beloved children. I have been told, afterwards, I dissociated. All I can say is that after my gf called and asked me, did you know your' house is being auctioned tomorrow morning everything went black. I had no idea. Husband has not shared financial information with me for years. I went into total shock. I kept on telling myself, oh, my god, I cannot tell my children they are homeless. Over and over and over it was like a mantra and all I remember is that it was like everything went black, totally black.
Posting is much harder than I thought--- admitting and exposing myself and all my fears...this is scary as heck... and then my next thought is what am I afraid of, and then I think are these fears even rational???, then I want to retreat back to my isolation so I don't have to experience this fear rational or not. Oh I am so afraid of family id'ing me. I want to remain anonymous, I don't want anyone to know how helpless and afraid and alone and scared I feel....how pathetic I've become... I discust myself.
Odd how reluctant I am to post and then all of this came pouring out. I am thinking, what if my family comes across this site... these are secrets I am sharing. I don't want anyone to know how ill I really am. I don't want anyone to know I totally isolate...that I feel intense shame about myself and how this is and will effect my children... I feel useless and unable to do more than what I do.
THis is a horrible disorder. I am going to post, despite wanting to delete the whole thing and go back to the island of isolation i've built to try to protect myself...that isn't protection at all. From 2009 to 2011, when I attempted suicide, I was numb. I had completle numbed myself out to cope. I have come out of numb to a degree, but sometimes I want that numbness back, because this is too much to cope with. I am worried about the lack of interest in anything anymore. Total apathy with the exception of my children. The shame is killing me. My heart is pounding at the thought of posting this...of exposure...vulnerability.
