Total (lack Of) Recall--but Lots O' Symptoms

[Kay C]

Hi. Another newbie here. I have no "narrative recall" of SA, but a bunch of symptoms that seem to point to childhood abuse. I'm looking for advice and support from others who have had similar experiences. Currently feeling extremely frustrated and debilitated by waves of anger and sadness that seem to come out of nowhere.

Here is my laundry list of symptoms, to give you guys an idea of why I think I may have been abused:

- Very few childhood memories, up until about age 13
- Intimacy issues as far back as I can remember. Sex is fine at the very beginning of a relationship, but as emotional intimacy develops, sex starts to feel gross and wrong. I've been married for 7 years and our sex life has deteriorated to the point where I can't even kiss my husband without feeling creepy-crawly. Not Good.
- Dissociative states, especially at night (e.g. I'd wake up and see my husband asleep in bed but not recognize him, then panic and go hide in the bathroom thinking I need to escape before the strange guy in my bed wakes up)
- Sexual arousal causes pain
- Disturbing sexual dreams with very odd, vivid details
- Painful body memories (feels like I'm undergoing a Pap smear for HOURS)
- Panic attacks, general anxiety, persistent dysphoria, major depressive episodes
- Difficulty socializing, tendency to withdraw & isolate

I've been in therapy on and off for 18 years but it seems like I'm just getting worse! Symptoms have been increasing in frequency and intensity lately. Maybe because I quit drinking a little over a month ago? Hmm...

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Kay and welcome to the forum.:wave:

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello Kay C :peekaboo:

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[leanne1321]

Hi Kay:wave:

Welcome:)

 

[Nyx]

Hello Kay, welcome to the forum. I hope you find peace of mind soon, I know how taunting it is to not remember.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Kay C,

Welcome... I can relate to your feeling of getting worse. I have a great therapist and we have been making great progress. In my case, progress consists of relating more and more to my body and thus feeling my body. This triggers memories (physical, emotional, and otherwise). For the first time in my life I am starting to feel emotions. It started out with really bad ones. The crisis mode sucks, especially when I don't know how to make the feelings and sensations stop and thus feel safe. Finally yesterday some good ones started poking through and that has helped dramatically... Hope that kind of up-swing (is that a word?) happens for you, too. I suspect that therapy can probably send it sliding back down, but for now until the middle of August when my therapist comes back from vacation I am going to soak in positive sensations and emotions as much as I can...

Take care!