Relationship Totally Confused And Not Willing To Ride The Roller Coaster Again!

[AABMT]

I really feel the need to vent and I am sorry to spew my anger here but I need a safe place to go where people understand and don't judge.

I joined this site initially because I was dating someone with combat PTSD and was having problems and was looking to understand why and how to help. That relationship ended via a text from him saying some not so nice things but then at the end he also told me I would never hear from him again and to never look back. Fine, thats what I did. I decided he came into my life for me to start learning how to heal from my PTSD and to find recovery.

So almost 4 months later he texts me wishing me a happy birthday this weekend. After the shock and confusion wears off.. I casually text back thanking him and then we start to chat for a couple days. He calls, admitted he was wrong and did things badly and missed me and his love has never faded he said. Well, that was just two days ago.. now he starts trying to mess with my head and heart again. I am getting stronger because I have been in counceling for a few months now and working on my PTSD issues and learning to feel. Best of all, I have also learned how to empower myself a little too since I have been dating a lot since the break up. So I kind of stand up for myself. Not the best, but kind of.

I am so mad at myself for falling for it all over again. It's only been days but it's the exact same roller coaster ride I was on when I was with him. And even though he took responsibitiy and apologized, he is back to the same mind games. I thought the apology was a sign of a true change.

But now I feel the same way I did when I was with him... insecure, usure, light headed, confused... but now I am also mad and totally pissed off. I understand PTSD a little better now since I have been a part of this forum, read a lot of stories, and have been in counceling for my own recovery, but I refuse to be around someone who is suffering but doesnt want to do a darn thing about it and wants to keep playing head games. I think I'm just mostly mad at myself for believing he had actually changed. And now, of course he is saying I am misunderstanding it all and reading too much into things like I always do.

I dont need this unhealthy person in my life... I feel like I have taken steps backwards and hate it. What is crazy, is I am having a hard time deciding how or if I am strong enough to let him go again... how crazy is that? I think abuse and someone treating me like shit is what was natural for me before, but I don't want to live that way anymore.

Thanks for listening and sorry for ranting.

 

[Wordgirl]

The great thing is, you don't have to live like that anymore! I'm glad you ranted - I can relate to a lot of your post.

 

[BigBear]

Scotty once said "Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"

So he fooled you once and came back the same. Now you can prove that you are not to be shamed...

Bear

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Go ahead and rant and vent you deserve it. This is crazymaking and you can tell by the way he makes you feel. You are doing well, I hope this high drama is something you can live without. I am sorry he came back into your life when you were doing so well. More like crawled out from under the rock he was hiding underl I wish you the best with whatever you decide. I agree with Bear. Well said Bear.

 

[AABMT]

Thanks everyone! I agree with all of you.. and I REFUSE to be sucked into it again.. I have worked so darn hard to get healthier.. I am far from perfect but I am better.. and not take abusive behavior from people.. I finally believe a little that I really am worth more than that.. and deserve better!

I just gotta make myself do it.. walk through it.. I remember from back when I was in AA I was told to fake it till I make it... so thats what I am going to do here.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

WTG AABMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

 

[Enigma66]

As women/females we are kind of our own worst enemies... it comes naturally to most of us, the wanting to fix, heal, nurse, nuture, love and care for someone. Most of us know whats right and wrong, what is/who is good for us and what is/who is not so good for us. Why do we do this to ourselves!?! We meet someone and for the purpose and intention of this site he has PTSD, we are smart and we see the warning signs usually pretty early on in the relationship, we start to question him,ourselves,our integrity our relationship,whats going on, where do we stand, why does he/has he done this? etc. We give him chance after chance to change, to learn,to acknowledge,to get help/support/therapy, to 'see' their problems etc.

Reading some of the posts from some of the new people (as I am) the first set-back for most couples seems to be when 1 partner with the PTSD shuts down,starts avoiding and ignoring the other, the other partner feels rejected and abandoned, starts stressing over lack of response, texts, communication from the other, then questions themselves, whats have I done wrong, why is he shutting me out, what do I do , what should I say and it goes on. A lot of excellent advice is given about boundaries and taking care of ourselves, but its all same old same old, easier said than done in reality and the day-to-day nitty-gritty and in many cases with the same old inevitable outcome. But its a journey we all embark on for better or worse because we love and we care. I hate to read on here women struggling at the beginning of a rel and facing the same issues I did and trying to find ways to get around it, justify it, cope with it etc.

I first ended it my with ex after 6 weeks when I realised some things were seriously wrong, even at 6 weeks I was walking around on egg-shells. A few months later we got back together, we had many simple good times but I endured quite a few years of hell. I took him back time and time again, nothing ever changed and it was a huge learning curve and an experience I never want to repeat. I am ashamed to say that if I ever met someone again who said they had PTSD I would drop everything and run like hell. I wouldn't even give them the chance to tell me what productive steps they take in their life to cope with it and so on.

On my short time on here I have read so many posts from women who break my heart and I don't/can't reply in fair support as I would be too sarcastic and cynical from my own experience.

If you have a man who is truely willing to admit his strengths and weaknesses and do his utmost best to find his balance then go for it, if he is not willing to admit and make some consistent attempt to correct his flaws for himself and the sake of your relationship and his life then good luck to you, come what may.

Disclaimer: I am writing this as a female, I don't wish to upset anybody by making specific reference to gender or stereotypes. Just trying to keep it simple.

 

[Mary Burgess]

Wow - good for you!!! It is fantastic to have boundaries...!! I have just gone through 8 months of relationship 'back and forth', push and pull with someone who probably has the same illness as I do. She described all questioning, disagreements as 'drama', so I really have come to dislike that word...but I am grateful to realize that this is not going to work for me, as you have realized that, eventually, we all have to get off this kind of abusive merry -go - round....

 

[mamachick]

Please dont beat yourself up. We have all likely been there. We are forgiving and hopeful of change in others. Be kind to yourself. The fact is that most people do not change. That is why second marriages fail twice as often. Individuals blame the other, clean themselves up, get out of the recliner, etc, meet someone else and go back to the behavior that ended the first marriage.

Some people do change. Most do not. Let your past experience of others be your guide, not your hope and expectations.

 

[Mary Burgess]

Thank you for those words, Brat - I am very grateful to have started my own recovery, and there is a very long road ahead for me, but full of hope

 

[mamachick]

Enigma-I appreciate your honesty and can see how you would feel like running if you met a man with ptsd. We are all driven by our own personal experiences but often we end up with distortions about what things mean and how things are. I do not know a lot of people with ptsd in my physical world, but those I know all have very different personalities and behave very different from one another. Some are more assertive, others passive, others aggressive, or passive-agressive.

I guess it comes down to what we are willing to tolerate. I know couple where neither has ptsd, and one withdraws for other reasons. If the partner is very secure with themselves, it is often less significant. If the partner is very insecure, it is going to exacerbate the insecurities.

Some people with ptsd are abusive, some people without ptsd are abusive. Im sorry I cant think of a gentle way to ask this question and mean no disrespect-but what is wrong with you for staying with a man and repeatedly going back for years of hell? This is not a judgement, I have had to ask myself the same thing, and while it is blunt, it is a valid question.

The last relationship that I was in ended 2 years ago. In the beginning, it was great in many ways. I sensed that he lied about his previous occupation. Four months into the relationship-things went very bad and we broke up for a couple of months. Then we began seeing each other and he admitted to the lying about his previous occupation. He said that he lied because I have a masters degree and he was insecure and did not want me to think of him as "just a truck driver". A few months later when another lie was caught, I told him the only way I could stay in the relationship was if we attended couples counseling. We did-1 session.

The therapist asked him why he told these lies. He said "I feel insecure because she is educated and beautiful and has everything going on for her". The therapist said "lots of people feel insecure but dont lie." Then she said to me "you have been in this relationship for 1 year now, which is not very long, you have little time invested, why do you want to work it out with someone who would lie to you?' WOW-OUCH-REALITY CHECK. We both needed confronted on our issues.

Aside from his lying, he pampered me, he doted on me, he wanted to please me, he put me first, he made my happiness a priority, he lavished me with attention, he treated me like a beautiful princess, etc. But the real reason was that my self esteem had bottomed out and the way he treated me provided me with a false sense of worth. He he could make me feel worthy, he could also take that away. Aside from my ptsd, or maybe in part due to it, I did not see my worth. Through his being overly nice and wonderful-he had a sense of control. He was always present so I spent less time with friends. His behavior that he claimed to be protective was really control, rooted in his insecurity. He treated me very good, which made me feel worthwhile, looking back, he saw me as arm candy in some ways (for lack of a better term). I knew that he would do anything for me. Though it never happened, I could have called him at work in an emergency and he would have been here quickly. I never abused that-just knowing it made me feel good.

The questions that the therapist asked left us both in the hot seat. Even though we never went back (his work schedule did not permit so he said), it was a reality check for me and that made him even more insecure. Then he lost his job for doing something really underhanded and unforgivable, something I would not be able to get past. I still loved him very much even with his flaws, but explained that it was not healthy for us to be together. Our values and goals were clearly different. This put him over the top and he forced me to go to another state with him. He actually put a gun to my head and told me I was going if I knew what was good for me and my daughter. I went. He was arrested after assaulting me and having 3 loaded guns in his possession as well as 2 knives. He did not have ptsd.

I had many opportunities to leave the relationship and for valid concerns, yet I ignored the big red flags and was hopeful for a secure and stable relationship with him. Why do I seem to find the most narcicistic and sociopathic men? I still cannot answer that adequately, but I certainly have my antenna's up and am avoiding all relationships at this time.

Who is the victim here? I know that if he described the relationship, it would be he that was the victim. In my opinion, there are disorders much worse than ptsd. I have ptsd and am regaining my skills of assertive behavior that I lost a few years ago. It is slow progress. Where I use to be very communicative and direct, I became an avoider and isolator. I am slowly regaining the old me. While I still suffer some esteem issues, at the very core of myself-I know I am a very good person and deserve to feel trust, security, honesty, reliability, loyality, and love from another human being that is willing to show their true self in the most intimate way. Yet if Mr Wonderful appeared at my door today, I am not ready as the work on myself is my priority. I am still getting straight with myself.

I apologize for the length of this post, your words and experience touched me in that I see in myself what I have heard in your words. Ptsd is just a diagnosis, it does not define who the person is, and I am sorry that you had such an awful experience with a person with ptsd and can see how it has effected your thoughts.

 

[Enigma66]

Thanks Gizmo, that was really lovely to read :)

You are right, my view is distorted and all I can say is once bitten twice shy. I have been on both sides of the fence and unfortunately my experience with PTSD was by far the worst time of my life.

An experience I will never forget and as much as I loved and accepted this person for their flaws and idiosyncricies, with or without PTSD but I just couldn't tolerate the abuse and mind games,control, rejection, etc anymore. It either made us or broke us, in the end it broke us, he was not willing to learn. He meant the world to me and I gave my all and I don't want to sound judgemental but my rel with my guy was the 1st and the last rel I will ever have with anyone with PTSD. Aside from that he did have a lot of other issues also and the dynamics of our rel was very intense but I have never ever in my life been treated by anyone the way he treated me.

I have a few girlfriends who have had hellish relationships with men from dysfunctional and abusive backgrounds that I also would suspect them of having PTSD. Where do you draw the line. These women, as I did, love their men to bits and would do anything for them, except live with being abused, they try but suffer so much. In the end they have to let go, as it just becomes to difficult to live with. They come out of these unhealthy relationships almost as damaged as the partner with PTSD.

My guy was so caught up in his own stress and symptoms of PTSD that he could and I don't think he would ever have any understanding of the stress and traumas I went through. Even the most simple, basic day-to-day living became a nightmare.

In my eyes there is a difference between someone with PTSD who takes no responsibility and lives and acts as a victim and inflicts their pain onto other people with little remorse and someone with PTSD who lives with it and tries to work their way through it, yes there will be ups and downs but if you can stand up and say sorry I f***** up and try not to make the same mistake would be a great start in my book.

Most days it was all about him, but as I learnt a few hard lessons I realised it was not about him at all, it was about me and I had to do a lot of soul-searching to free myself. The relationship broke me and I just couldn't go there again. I will always feel sadness till the day I die over our experience but I now know that I deserve so much more.