Toxic Friendships

[Philippa]

What happens when you do tell them and they just don't want to listen, and pretend it never happened, or didn't read your email, or letter laying it out specifically for them, so they do know?

I told my father EXACTLY why I was cutting ties with him, and he chose not to read my email because he didn't like me confronting him with it...and he didn't like it in the form of an email, or a letter...which was how I chose to tell him as it gave me a chance to write out what I needed to say in a way that was thoughtful and thorough, as opposed to saying it to his face, which often left me unable to speak clearly, intimidated and shaking...plus, he would usually just ridicule anything I had to say and dismiss what I did say...so what else was there left for me to do?

I agree with you. It's best to tell them what they have done because most of the time they don't even know what they have done.

At the same time though, if they aren't willing to listen and take in what you are saying, then you might just have to be harsh to them...they've been pretty harsh plenty of times without even knowing it...so it may not be fair, but then again, they've left you no choice.

 

[Innordinate]

Sorry. I should clarify. Yeah I defiantly think that some people won't get it and get just be done with them. Even if they do get it, probably you still have to be done with them until/unless they can prove they're changing/changed/or trying to change.

 

[CraftyCath]

I believe most people don't know what they are doing Innordinate. I have family members that I have been dealing with for some time and I approached one to ask him not to keep picking on me. Since than he has refused to speak to me or to be in the same room as me.

I would never ditch someone until I had spoken to them and tried my best with them but the choice to stay friends has always been theirs. If you point out a problem to someone because it is affecting your relationship with them but they deny it then there is nothing further you can do. If they persist with living in denial it makes progress very difficult.

You, however, seem to be the kind of person who will address their problems when someone points them out to you. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. If people are avoiding you it is possible that they are afraid to confront, as my sister-in-law is with me. She is avoiding me so much she didn't tell me she was visiting the country over Easter even though the rest of the family knew. Often, it is their own fears/paranoia kicking in.

I would never leave a friendship without trying to deal with the problems but if it comes down to me or my children being victimised then, after a confrontation with the person, I would protect myself (and my kids) first and foremost.

I always give these matters much thought and seek advice from others outside the situation before making a final decision. As it turned out, my friends cut me off before I had to make that decision but I do not want them back in my life. I've moved on.

 

[Philippa]

That's my feelings on it as well. I will see if my counselor would be willing to come with us for lunch, and perhaps act as a mediator? If I'm not convinced that he is actually willing to hear me this time, and do something to change the way he treats me, then I will inform him that I'm gone...again.