Dom Violence Toxic future in law?

[Raj]

I've tried for couple of years, (including messenger) for son or his now fiancee to be honest about disease, they refuse. The future mother in-law says we lied about even raising our son for 18 years. When he said they were coming and trying to stay in our home no matter what, that was last straw. Daughter and son even say threats from the future mother in-law to get my wife are fine. I'm done weigh them.

Raj

My wife had me post to Facebook, I told her messenger was my preferred method of preventing unwanted visit. I give up, between son molesting daughter in past and being physical with me and his brother. Now wants to visit and denies telling us up to five times, that ex prostitutes has serious disease and its none of our business. They have barged into our home before after sons best friend threatened to kill my wife. So yes there is animosity.

Raj

 

[Kintsugi]

Was the sexual abuse reported?

This man sounds extremely dangerous. Change your locks. Get an alarm system. Take out a restraining order. Whatever you need to do to prevent him from entering your home and life. He doesn't sound worth anything at all, son or not. I personally live in a state where you can shoot trespassers on your property if you feel threatened (liberal castle doctrine). I'm not saying you should fire on your son. I guess I'm saying he's lucky it hasn't come to that, depending on where you live in the US.

 

[Raj]

Abuse to siblings (we also forced counseling for son and family together and separate, he has borderline personality) and separating my ribs reported, plus reported druggy friend threatening wife. Rural county said they were in between prosecutor's, and never did prosecute! We now live in different state.

Raj

 

[Justmehere]

Boundaries. You need to learn quickly how to set and keep boundaries. Probably even with your wife. All this triangulated drama where so and so is doing xyz for so and so is just creating chaos and stress.

The focus in her former career and her medical condition is irrelevant. He is physically abusive dangerous and violent.

He's not welcome in your home and you are very clear you are done with them. He will not even speak to you on the phone. There have been threatening behaviors and actual violence and assault.

Yet you are trying to find out info for if and when they will be in your home?

Why is there even discussion about *when* they will be in your home when they won't even speak to you on the phone?

Make up your mind where your boundaries are now. Tell him not on Facebook but through a letter or at least a private message and keep those boundaries. Make it clear that if they show unannounced and or not meeting these conditions they will not be allowed into the house. If needed the police will be called to escort them off the property.

Don't keep sending mixed signals through publically nagging them on behalf of your wife about medical conditions. They have set the clear message for years they are not going to answer and they have been in your home anyhow. Instead you and your wife can set the conditions and hold them.

And for what it's worth, studies have shown the vast majority of prostutes are survivors of severe childhood trauma and/or started being sold as minors. The vast majority don't want to be in it when they are. It's not easy to come out of that world. Don't stigmatize her for it further. Be glad she is free of that world. Focus on setting the boundaries and including what you need to know medically, but don't treat her as unworthy due to her past.

Focus on the here and now, the violence of your son that you do know about, and what you do have control over: who enters your home.

 

[Raj]

Boundaries set goodbye world.

Raj

 

[Neverthesame]

What do you mean by goodbye world?

 

[Raj]

Done with human race, never leaving home again!

Raj

Son stated he thinks she may do it still, when she is not home for dinner and won't say where she's been. Disease is my business, because they have walked into home uninvited and say they would like to do so again. We have little dogs that we take outside, they run around us into our home!

Raj

 

[joeylittle]

@Raj - why aren't you doing anything to change your situation?

I am not saying you are to blame, but in your posts, I have trouble understanding if it's even possible for boundaries to work...

 

[Raj]

I moved out of state, and tried law enforcement, who said as since was an informant they would not help me.

Raj

The old state rural law enforcement didn't help.

Raj

 

[joeylittle]

who said as since was an informant they would not help me.

Sorry, can you explain this a little?

 

[Justmehere]

Ah, damn. I'm so sorry the police didn't help. Don't give up hope. If the police are not responsive, try going for a civil restraining order. Then if your son comes, and does nothing else but show up, he's in violation of the order and the police will likely be motivated to take more action.

You have super difficult family dynamics to deal with here and you have been through serious trauma. This isn't easy stuff to deal with. Now isn't the time to isolate from people who can support you and help your family through this. Are you working with a therapist?

 

[Raj]

Therapist quit her job, trying to get new one. Police/county didn't prosecute for dealing, possession or sex assault, intimidation, theft or physical assault. They said he was an informant and being rural low population county didn't want to prosecute. I used to drive my son to the sheriff and make him turn over stolen property!

Raj