Transference feels like emotional algebra and geometry. There is the substituting and shuffling around/exchanging places of emotions and the mirroring and points of reference of experience. I think the rewiring is happening through the transference. It’s like, black and white get switched, and blasted with a current—through rage and/or grief—and that makes them switch how they were doing it before—and allows progress and clarity and entering into a new stage. But it first has to get all tangled up together, in order to get pulled apart, in order to see which was real and which was fake, which was accurately targeted and which was off the mark. Without the transference, it’s hard to get a foothold, it’s hard to see it. Now I see how the transference is a tool for my own benefit, like I’m doing emotional surgery on myself, and handing my emotions to the therapist while I sort out my relationships, my skills, while I practice living the life I hope to carry on some day.
When I realize that the transference isn’t real, then I have space to consider that the relationships which are causing me the most pain are based on unreal fantasies, hope for change when change won’t happen. Ultimately that will apply to my dad, but I have to get through the closest relationships first before I can get to that one. Going into the transference allows for a great unwinding, of hopefully all the hostile relationships I have held onto, the manipulative ones, the uncompassionate ones, the one-sided ones—and it allows me to recognize who is a true supporter—my T is someone who supports me—she is not a friend, not a mother, not a lover, not an employee, possibly like a consultant—like an emotional consultant—and she supports me—I support me—I support others—but I have chosen to give my precious time and attention to people who don’t support me. This thread helped me see that most clearly! More than a few people answered my call to support and I only responded to the ones who didn’t support me! It took some deep journaling to realize that I do the same thing in my real life—and I don’t have to do that! What a liberating feeling! I do want to connect with supporters. Bit by bit by bit—I will continue to do it. I admit that it is something I avoid—but I’m not ashamed—it is a mistake and I make lots—but I’m going to keep trying as much as I can!
Now I see how transference can rise and fall, like the wind, like emotions—well they ARE emotions! And acknowledging and talking about the transference emotions gives space for emotions to be directed at real intimacy—the therapeutic process is real intimacy, even if it can never be brought to any kind of fruition in real life. If I can learn how to be fully present during the therapeutic process, maybe I will be able to be fully present during an intimate time with a friend—because in order to be present with another person in their vulnerability, I have to be able to be present with myself in my vulnerability in the presence of a safe person. Unlocking the transference is the path to my vulnerability. So it will be a bit by bit by bit process as well. Every time I cry for myself in front of her, even for just a few minutes, that’s part of the rewiring—that’s the beginning of newness, of growth, and something to be proud of—so I’ll keep going for it.
Can you tell that I’m not experiencing it right now? Lol! It hurts when it takes hold—whether positive or negative!!! So it’s nice to have a little break and feel proud of myself for getting through that last bout—I think that’s the first time I ever went through the whole cycle and didn’t get pulled into depression! I think this is the first time I’ve ever said I felt proud of myself in regards to the transference! I know that the support of
@lostforgottensoul @Emotional girl @hithere and
@Friday helped me feel that—because otherwise I would not be able to come back and post this—I am grateful to each of you for your support.
@Stephernovas your response confused me—it didn’t feel supportive—it felt authoritative like you were explaining my situation to me for my own good. Maybe I misread it, maybe I was projecting, maybe it’s hard to know what a person means by text—but that’s how I experienced it. If I had only received messages of non-support, I would have eventually given up (probably after trying to defend myself) and thought I was way off mark—but I DID receive support—I just didn’t pick it up, hold it, receive it, and give it back—like the story about which wolf do you feed? The aggressive one or the loving one? Who do I give my time and energy to? These questions make going into the transference less scary—because I now know—I know—that T supports me—and I can—I can—gravitate toward others who support me as well—I can notice the difference—and I can try to reach out to those who support—those are the wolves I want to feed—those are the people that I want to feed, and support, and connect with. I can do this, yes, I can do this.
