Hey everyone! I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now but I guess it's been too hard. But today I decided I needed to give it a try. Moderators feel free to move if I've put this in the wrong spot :)
This may be a bit triggering so don't read if that will upset you. I will understand :)
So essentially tomorrow/ Tuesday (on top of being my brother's and cousin's birthdays respectively) is the one year anniversary of my ex-boyfriend expressing his desire to kill me in a variety of ways including burning my body in acid. This whole trauma anniversary thing is a new idea for me because most of my other trauma has been an ongoing thing and not pinpointed to a certain time.
I'm dealing with school, a part time job and recently getting off of crutches on top of all the regular ptsd stuff and I'm just so tired.
The thing is that while I realise now that the relationship was clearly abusive and unhealthy in so many ways, it wasn't all abusive and while we were dating (we hadn't been dating when he threatened me) a lot of the time it was really nice. I was able to talk about my problems and while he was not as scholastically oriented as I am, he supported me in it. I was having a really hard time in the awkward phase between having a mental illness and being actually diagnosed and both he and his mom were people that I trusted and helped me get through it. Part of one of my other illnesses is one where I collapsed from stress and he would literally pick me up every time I fell.
So coming up on this one year anniversary thing is kind of hard. I know I'm in a much healthier place now in a lot of ways but I still miss him and want to contact him. I thought that after a time I would feel substantially less like that but I really haven't. I have scary dreams where I'm running away from him but also nice dreams about us cuddling and things like that. I refuse to let myself contact him but part of me feels like if we are at least cordial again then maybe I wouldn't feel so weird about this whole thing. After he threatened me my boss made me talk to the cops and they called me a liar and so many other awful things (even though I was fully co-operative and hadn't asked to speak to them) that I just feel bludgeoned by all of this right now.
Love is an iffy thing and although it was an unhealthy relationship, there is part of me that still loves him and how things were. He made me feel better about the ongoing abuse from my dad (which is currently escalated since he hasn't spoken to me since Canadian thanksgiving) and was able to support me through it. My boyfriend now while totally amazing and supportive has two loving albeit slightly pushy parents so he really can't understand or try and make it better. Me dating my currently boyfriend was the reason my ex wanted to kill me so the whole situation feels a bit crazy (and me dating this current boyfriend occurred for a few months and then we broke up for about eight months and are recently back together).
It just sucks that even with my several concussions that my memory is good enough, or traumatized enough, to remember the date. I just kind of want a cuddle and the people I want cuddles from are either the problem (the ex), the current boyfriend (busy wi school work), best friend (too far away), and my ptsd buddy (also busy with school and his own issues right now).
Sorry for the essay I just kind of needed to expel.
How do you guys deal with this sort of stuff? I know I mentioned quite a few things in here: my apologies :p
This may be a bit triggering so don't read if that will upset you. I will understand :)
So essentially tomorrow/ Tuesday (on top of being my brother's and cousin's birthdays respectively) is the one year anniversary of my ex-boyfriend expressing his desire to kill me in a variety of ways including burning my body in acid. This whole trauma anniversary thing is a new idea for me because most of my other trauma has been an ongoing thing and not pinpointed to a certain time.
I'm dealing with school, a part time job and recently getting off of crutches on top of all the regular ptsd stuff and I'm just so tired.
The thing is that while I realise now that the relationship was clearly abusive and unhealthy in so many ways, it wasn't all abusive and while we were dating (we hadn't been dating when he threatened me) a lot of the time it was really nice. I was able to talk about my problems and while he was not as scholastically oriented as I am, he supported me in it. I was having a really hard time in the awkward phase between having a mental illness and being actually diagnosed and both he and his mom were people that I trusted and helped me get through it. Part of one of my other illnesses is one where I collapsed from stress and he would literally pick me up every time I fell.
So coming up on this one year anniversary thing is kind of hard. I know I'm in a much healthier place now in a lot of ways but I still miss him and want to contact him. I thought that after a time I would feel substantially less like that but I really haven't. I have scary dreams where I'm running away from him but also nice dreams about us cuddling and things like that. I refuse to let myself contact him but part of me feels like if we are at least cordial again then maybe I wouldn't feel so weird about this whole thing. After he threatened me my boss made me talk to the cops and they called me a liar and so many other awful things (even though I was fully co-operative and hadn't asked to speak to them) that I just feel bludgeoned by all of this right now.
Love is an iffy thing and although it was an unhealthy relationship, there is part of me that still loves him and how things were. He made me feel better about the ongoing abuse from my dad (which is currently escalated since he hasn't spoken to me since Canadian thanksgiving) and was able to support me through it. My boyfriend now while totally amazing and supportive has two loving albeit slightly pushy parents so he really can't understand or try and make it better. Me dating my currently boyfriend was the reason my ex wanted to kill me so the whole situation feels a bit crazy (and me dating this current boyfriend occurred for a few months and then we broke up for about eight months and are recently back together).
It just sucks that even with my several concussions that my memory is good enough, or traumatized enough, to remember the date. I just kind of want a cuddle and the people I want cuddles from are either the problem (the ex), the current boyfriend (busy wi school work), best friend (too far away), and my ptsd buddy (also busy with school and his own issues right now).
Sorry for the essay I just kind of needed to expel.
How do you guys deal with this sort of stuff? I know I mentioned quite a few things in here: my apologies :p
