Undiagnosed Trauma As A Young Child, Finally Realised What's Wrong With Me

[PerfectEmpire]

Dan, have you done much reading about narcissism and shame? Can you relate?

To write some of the things you've written would require a certain sort of grandiosity...I can't really describe it. I'm not saying you are a terrible narcissist, I'm just thinking that perhaps you can relate to the shame and some of the thought processes/coping mechanisms.

Just trying to give you more to reflect on!

 

[Dan42]

I always think I know better, obviously I don't. But if anything I'm overly empathic, can't stand being in a room with an angry person, feel like I have to try to fix their problems, like it becomes my responsibility.

It's a bit bipolar though, because sometimes I get impatient and the empathy turns on it's head into impatience, sort of narcissistic existential nihilism, like the feeling I'm "surrounded by incompetent fools". Depends on my mood.

 

[timetorecover]

A night without a smoke for me is the same as someone not taking their Prozac one day.

Whatever works to get you through!

Been through therapy, diagnosed by docs, given all different ssri's. None worked.

Nothing helps me like a smoke. I can function. Not like ssri's, Erghhhhh the side effects! And Diazepam is great to calm me but I am then like a Zombie!

Alchohol in moderation and when needed (for confidence etc and to overcome anxiety) is a great tool.

But it is managing the intake and using it in moderation that is my way of getting through.

Many people frown upon it but as I said, if it gets you through...

 

[PTSD sufferer]

To write some of the things you've written would require a certain sort of grandiosity...I can't really describe it.

Good observation PE. I was thinking he might relate to NPD and DD - Grandeur. A lovely couple for others to deal with, but then again SB and Google is also. It takes courage to point out an alternative, liking your courage!

--side note

Freud, a self appointed 'genius' - egotist with an inferiority complex, who manipulated argument to protect his somewhat lack of logic, is 'recognised' because of the masses who fought to disprove and provide alternative argument to his self gratifying and grandiose ideas. It's both telling and unsurprising that Freud's daughter focused on egoism and narassism in her psychoanalytical theories...

So, I applaud your courage and intelligence PE.

But I would like to respectfully point out that your comments about being too...whatever... for therapy is an insult to all of us who have the courage and willingness to actually follow through and face ourselves.

I also find your comments equating sobriety and being clean patronizing.

I couldn't agree more Bloom! I would like this 1000 times if I could.

Bye Dan and good luck.

 

[Dan42]

For the record, it was never my intention to patronize or insult anyone. The "gradiosity" issues I have are a manifestation of the self-defense mechanisms I was forced to develop when I was younger. Nobody else could protect me or provide any meaningful justification for what I was experiencing. I.e. I felt like I had to work everything out myself, nobody else could.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Dan,

I'm sorry you only ever had yourself to rely on, that's tough to grow up and deal with.

I find it interesting that your self confidence is so high, after bring in such a difficult position for so long.

I think you should try to be more open to help and give therapy a go. Your own fixed ideas may be getting in the way of your recovery?

 

[Dan42]

The "high self confidence" I may seem to exhibit is merely an illusion. Most people assume that I am a happy person with lots of energy, sometimes the life and soul of the party so to speak, however, that's just an act. Scratch below the surface, and the terror and horror of the undealt-with issues are revealed. This is the reason I can never hold down a relationship with a woman. After a while they see the problems and get scared off. Older women who have taken a duty of care over me at times have said many times that "Only a mother could love it." (it being me).

Enough of this, time to start digging myself out of this hole I'm in.

Thanks everyone, and apologies again if my contrary stubbornness has offended anyone.

 

[Ruckster]

Good job Dan! This last post is so encouraging , I feel a bit like we may have beaten you up some and I like that you have hung in there. I probably would have logged out and left forever. You show immense strength and courage and maybe you aren't going to let that stubbornness prevent you from getting the help and the peace you seek.

Ok! Now I want to welcome you to the forum! There Is information here. There are supportive and gentle people here. I encourage you to allow yourself to heal.

Again, good job and I think there is hope for you.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Totally agree with Ruckster! I feel slightly guilty that we seem to have 'ganged up' on you, but, I at least am really trying to understand and get to know you. There isn't any need to be sorry to us, I don't think anyone here has been put out or offended by you.

I for one, know what it's like to put up a front and seem confident and capable when actually feeling awful inside, so I'm truly sorry you've had to deal with life in this way. But, your last post is really encouraging! :)

 

[Hashi]

Am I doomed to live the rest of my life in this pit of despair, despondency and self-loathing?

It depends what you're willing to do to get yourself out of it.

Your doubt about whether anything could help is your prerogative, as is your decision to always self-diagnose and self-medicate, and your certainty in your own thinking (unless proven otherwise in some way I don't quite follow). I hope you won't mind me saying so, but that doesn't seem to be working out very well for you.

Even though in the past I've unsuccessfully tried antidepressants, had bad therapy experiences, still don't think CBT is right for me, don't trust doctors, have an alcohol problem and definitely don't have the energy to do what this takes... like many other people here, I'm doing it anyway. I got diagnosed and found types of therapy and other approaches that are right for me. I hope you'll do the same, but if you decide not to I wish you well anyway.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

"Only a mother could love it." (it being me).

That is dark (in a good, deep way). It wouldn't be that weird if you sometimes want to be an "it". At least then the things they said would make sense and the world would make more sense. And maybe you would feel more powerful as an "it" instead of a mere human. And so the grandiosity kicks in; instead of being human you are an all-powerful "it". But at the same time it hurts... Maybe I'm crazy, but that's one of the ways I reacted to similar comments (made by adults in my youth).


If you haven't started a Trauma Diary already, I encourage you to do so. It's a great place to store all of the darkness and work through your story. Think of yourself as a mad scientist and your diary as your obscure laboratory.

It can also appeal to the exhibitionist part of you because you can see how many people are reading it and even get comments, and it's all your story, your darkness. This thread alone seems to have brought some juicy stuff to the surface so I'm thinking a diary could be very effective for you.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi and Welcome to the Forum,
As you can see we have a lot of wonderful people here. None of us planned this trip.
It helps to know your not alone in so many ways!