Other Trauma on top of trauma: it never ends, does it? in psych ward for psychosis

[joeylittle]

Seconded, everything shimmerz said. We’re pulling for you.

They might also take me off my meds to observe me without meds while I'm there. I'm kinda stressing over the whole thing.

That’s totally understandable.

For what it’s worth, I also think it’s a very good idea. The teen/young adult brain is in a constant state of development and change. Psychotropic medications interact with it in sometimes unpredictable ways. Something might work for a year, and then suddenly become ineffective or even detrimental.

If you can, try and remember that you’ll be under supervision the whole time. If something starts rapidly going wrong, they can intervene.

I know it takes a lot of trust, too. I’m heartened by the fact that they sound like they are taking your care and treatment seriously, instead of just rolling you through the system and discharging you.

Sending love.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Many thanks to you

I've actually been home for two weeks! Forgot to mention that. I stayed inpatient for a total of two weeks, the last 4 days were voluntary. Since I've got home my full priority has been stability, so I focus on sleep, food, meds, and stress reduction. I go to bed early, wake up at 6 in the morning, clean, make breakfast, and then try to just keep myself distracted the rest of the day.

Who would've thought actually complying with the internal biological clock for sleeo cycle actually helps? [side-eyes younger version of me]

I always get back on my feet again and keep going. Every time. Regardless of how hard it is. I'm exhausted and surviving instead of living, but I'm surviving. I have little faith in that the system will actually help cause it's let me down too many times, but I'm giving the outpatient psychosis team and the psychosis ward the benefit of the doubt.

I also kinda feel like the trauma psychosis has given me just ate my childhood traumas for breakfast. Like sure, childhood trauma sucks, but it ended, and it took a break when I was out in the woods or on the boat or roaming around by the shore, and it was caused by someone else and parts of the system. Psychosis doesn't stop. The big episodes are 24/7, and it's nobody's fault, it's my own mind, making me live in an all consuming world where I'm all alone and vulnerable to whatever the psychosis tells me is dangerous. When it makes me do things against my will, there's no one to blame, my mind is the abuser and my body does the work of it. It's f*cked me up in a whole other way than "normal" trauma did.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Also, the wonderful girl I live with is amazing. We never had a fight, and my outpatient team were surprised at how well we communicate and interact. She supports me, I support her. We're good at different things and struggle. with different things. She can tell by just my footsteps what mental state I'm in. I'm so grateful I have her, and grateful for our apartment. It's a cozy old apartment in the middle of town, two floors and 100square metres (just over 1000sqft). We tend to have a lot of guests since most young adults don't have both that much space while also living centrally. My friend group is also very supportive and understanding, and since almost all of them are 20+, they have a better understanding of different people and the world than people who are actually my age do. Externally my life is better than ever, my mind's just decided that it's gotta make shit rough for me anyway :banghead::p

 

[Sweetleaf]

I also kinda feel like the trauma psychosis has given me just ate my childhood traumas for breakfast

It's f*cked me up in a whole other way than "normal" trauma did.

Ugh I feel for you so much, and I so so sooooo totally get you on all of that - I had a psychotic break at the end of my trauma. Weeks of torture that lead to psychosis.

I know what you mean. Your brain basically kicking your ass... yeah. It's horrifying to go through. It's horrifying to know your own brain can do that to you, and it's really traumatizing, especially if you had times where you were restrained and such. Being restrained made the terror of it skyrocket, that was a truly horrifying and insane experience. It was necessary, I was f*cking nuts, I needed to be restrained for sure... but it was still traumatizing. Laying there, trapped, restrained in a hospital bed, hallucinating intensely, deep in delusions, and freaking the f*ck out. Not fun to hallucinate that your abuser is in the room, while you're helpless. Some of my most "untouchable" memories are a lot of the ones that had to do with my psychotic episode and the shit that made it begin.

There's also the fear of it coming back, but from what I have heard that fear lessens with time. For me the fear of it returning has decreased, and it's been a little over 6 months since my psychotic episode ended. Still, it's really traumatizing to go through psychosis because it makes you afraid of your own brain, afraid of trusting your own thoughts, just... ugh.

There is no running and hiding from your own brain, that's part of what makes it so scary.

A million hugs to you for having gone through that :hug::hug::hug:
Also I am so glad that you've recovered from that, and have a living situation that's good for you. That's a really great thing to have. A good living situation really helps with healing from trauma, I think.

 

[joeylittle]

Externally my life is better than ever, my mind's just decided that it's gotta make shit rough for me anyway

I'm glad to read the first part of this, and can completely validate the second part, too. Sometimes, there's shit in the brain, and the brain needs some help. Sounds like you've got a solid philosophy about it. Hang in there.

 

[Mindful]

I've had 9 hospitalizations since i was 13. I was psychotic for years. The voices used to tell me I wasn't good enough, I should kill myself, I stopped eating a few times because I dissociate and distort my self-image.
I stopped being me for a long time. Someone dlse took over because I didn't want to be me anymore. I didn't want to live with the memories.
Reality is terrible but your psyche takes advantage of your fragike state.
I know after so many trips to the er, I, too found mysrlf wondering, why am i even here?
Why do people keep saving me?
It's hard to sleep when you're being watched all of the time. I still distort my reality and believe that nothing is real, sometimes. Like I'm still not me. But I am.

Only you can pull yourself out of where you are. Right now your mind is filling in the blanks with things that might make sense.

Don't be afraid to question what is happening around you. Trust is very hard in a psychotic state.

You may think what you are doing is typical for you, but others may be worried. It's a perception issue.

The voice's went away eventually, it took 10 years but my mind is quiet a lot more now.

Yours will be too when you are ready to face your demons. Psychosis is your mind trying to make sense of things that just don't make sense. You're trying to fill in blank spaces with delusions.

I am sorry that you are having such a Tough time. Thing's will be better. Start finding the flaws in your rationality. What doesn't make sense. Why it doesn't. What you think should really be happening and if you are potentially not making choices you normally would make.

Take notes, or keep a journal. Sometimes I will just jot down a weird though or if I see something weird. Don't be afraid of asking someone stable for validation. Is this really happening right now?

You got this!