I tried to get better using a workbook on mind bridging till It just wouldn't go away.
I did this too TextCat, I didn't even tell anyone what the problems were because in the past I had always been able to get them under control, or at least stabilize myself well enough to continue functioning as usual. It's when nothing worked and I became unrecognizable that I finally got some help outside of myself.
Thinking about the timeline is finally not totally overwhelming. I can do it slowly and in deliberate short bouts if I have a distraction activity planned to throw myself into afterwards. I actually did that and wrote a few words down to serve as a visual guide while trying not to go too deep and it was okay. This is like a good exercise, so thanks for posting it.
I was born into a family where DV was the norm so witnessing and being subject to DV started early. During elementary school years I had a lot of symptoms but did not know they were symptoms, they were just life. I had issues with sleep, memory, focus, learning, and with remembering or choosing to eat. I lacked social skills probably due to the isolation, and being the kid that was ostracized at school. I operated within an almost perpetual state of dysregulation during early childhood, and I actually remember specific times when I would suddenly become aware, and my vision would focus and things looked different, as if waking up from a bit of garden variety dissociation. I know now what all that was since working on these things in therapy.
I think that the interpersonal and ongoing abuse during childhood makes it hard to pin point things and say, this trauma is what did it...it's too chronic and complex to do that. There are specific things, such as the sexual abuse that was ongoing for a couple of years in childhood, while DV and interpersonal verbal and emotional abuse were also the standard daily fare. In adulthood, once away from my family, I enjoyed a period of 'peace' and spent my time and efforts taking care of myself, working, and living with roommates etc. But looking back, these were such lonely times, and I still isolated myself quite a bit outside of work or school settings where I could be social with those around me. During these years dysregulation would come up only during times of stress, and I was able to get it under control through the use of supplements, regular vigorous exercise, and the occasional cannabis edible, which when used could 'reset' me, enabling my body to calm back down and get back in order. I actually lived with routines in place, as I do again now. When I became a mother and the nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive memories and hypervigilance etc. became so disruptive that I lost function, I finally got diagnosed (7years ago). I also experienced an incident of trauma as an adult, after having already been diagnosed and while I was actually on the up swing, that seemed to take me down overnight, which I believe was the straw that broke the camels back.
So the symptoms were pretty chronic during childhood and through early teen years. Later on, the symptoms subsided and only came up during times of stress and I was able to manage them and still function pretty well during adulthood. The symptoms are back now, and it's very reminiscent of some of what I experienced from childhood, but it's now worse, and a great deal of my energy goes towards managing myself so that I can be functional for my life with my family. I do not work outside the home yet, and there is no telling yet when that might change, but I am optimistic that with time and continued effort things will keep getting better, albeit at a snails pace.
