Trauma Survivor - Struggling to Accept PTSD

[nml]

Hi, my name is Nancy and I am a trauma survivor. I have been having a hard time accepting this disorder and my limitations even though I know they are only temporary until I learn a new way of life. I am also a recovering alcoholic.

 

[anthony]

Hey Nancy... welcome to the forum. Yep, know what your saying, been there, done that myself. Survived war, survived trauma, definately was dependant upon alcohol for some years, and now past the lot to the far greener pastures of life. Your not alone Nancy... that much I can tell you.

So... what exactly happend to you? Oh, I don't beat around the bush... pretty much straight to the point.

 

[Nam]

Welcome, Nancy! Good to have you here.:smile:

 

[purdyamos]

Hello Nancy! It's a double whammy, trying to beat an addiction as well as PTSD. It must have been so hard when you came off the sauce to be greeted by your demons un-anaesthetised. I really admire you for that. How long is it since your last drink? (Forgive me, I don't even know if your sobriety was pre or post trauma. I was just assuming there was a connection. There so often is.) I drink heavily at times when I just can't cope, at moments nothing else works except physical violence to myself. How do you fend off the worst moments? Respect to you for overcoming temptation, however you do it.

 

[nml]

Than you for the warm welcome! I aplogize for not responding sooner. I started a new job and have not been in much of a routine with it yet.

My sobriety date is feb 14, 1997. At teh end of last year I was diagnosed with PTSD and Complex PTSD, since Ive carried the traumas into my adulthood. I had a few triggers being a boyfriend, a new (bosses kid) manager, and my mother back in life on a more conistent basis. And I suppose the stress of buying a house didnt help either. The house purchase was a good thing, but stressful. I came crashing down with all I could take with the boyfriend mother and manager and I snapped. Only by Gods grace, i had met a new sponsor who recognized the symptoms as she is also a trauma survivor. I had worked the steps on what I remembered as a child and saw many patterns in my behaviors though all the roots had not been revealed to me. I started having flashbacks of being molested by my father who I already knew was a pedofile and had molested my oldest brother. The physical abuse I sustained from mother and other family members has also been more revealing. I wondered why I couldnt stand for her to touch me. My father being a professional pedofile was not mean...he is a con...knew how to talk to children in a sweet way...which answered the question of why "baby talk" irritates me. He also in the past year got caught solicitng children over the internet and for having child porn. Somehow, he wiggled his way out of it..this was also a trigger.

I have had the PTSD symptoms for as far back as I can remember since I now know the symptoms. Its been hard to accept I am limited for the time being until I learn new coping skills and heal. AS far as being un-anaesthetised, I found other ways to soothe. I can obsess over anything! Work, relationships, overprotective parenting, housecleaning....I can now spot it when I am trying to avoid what is really going on inside. Of course my sponsor can point it out too.

I no longer have the boyfriend as of about 8 months ago, I was laid off from my job, and my mother and I do not have much of anything to do with each other. I did get called back for my job and symptoms kicked in along with my body letting me know in more ways it was too much for me. I took a job close by and started this past week. I am to the popint I dont care what I do as long as I can support me and my children.

I know being in recovery for alcohlism has been the God giving foundation to heal and cope with PTSD and the traumas which is the result. Acceptance has been a challenge and is the first step to recovery. Posting here inthe first place was hard for me and at the same time, I knew I needed to for myself.

 

[Nam]

I know being in recovery for alcohlism has been the God giving foundation to heal and cope with PTSD. Acceptance has been a challenge and is the first step to recovery.

This quote right here shows how much you've come already.

 

[anthony]

I can now spot it when I am trying to avoid what is really going on inside. Of course my sponsor can point it out too.

And that is half the problems solved already NML, well done. A sufferer must learn to spot and identify symptoms, triggers and issues to deal with the quickly, before they become over-powering and take over, even if only for a short duration of a week or so, it is still another week of hell, compared to maybe a few hours, half a day at most. Things get better.

You sound as though your doing great though considering all the aspects against a sufferer, and that deserves a huge congratulations, well done NML.

 

[nml]

Thank you ...When I look back at 9 months ago, there have been many changes. Many truths revealed....we are only as sick as our secrets. I didnt know I still had the sick secrets. I thought I had it all out.

Some days I feel as if I am falling apart and other days are ok. Im still amazed of how much my life has not been anything about me or for me....its been about everyone else in my family. The feeling part is the hardest. I dont like whining and I feel like I am doing more whining and crying than anything. My therapist told me last week it is my turn to whine, it is my turn to take care of me and I can rest. It took a lot of work to survive all these years and that life has caught with me and Im now backed into a corner. Ive been experiencing how PTSD will deal with me if I dont learn to deal with the traumas properly. The consequences sure helps push me into the acceptance area. :)

 

[anthony]

It took a lot of work to survive all these years and that life has caught with me and Im now backed into a corner.

I think that is the same for most us NML, our wakeup call as such, when our body says, "enough is enough", time to shut you down and force you to heal. I know I felt that.

 

[elaine 3]

welcome nml.
I am a survivor too, some years ago. For some reason I did not self medicate but found EMDR and some Zoloft. i crashed with Chronic fatigue tho and althought I am a lot betterI still am not as well as I would like to be. Commonwealth rehab have been of some help? get Centalink or their psychologist to refer you?
My daughter now suffers and I am desperate as she is almost homeless, broke and quite unwell. I have attempted to get her some help but she finds excuses.
e

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum elaine, glad to have you here. Sounds as though you are at some middle ground yourself, which is great, and I am sure your daughter is not making stress any easier for you. Very unfortunate that one.

 

[nml]

Hi

I have been blessed with a therapist who doesnt charge me much. My payment probably just does pay her gas to and from her office. If I had played my cards right, I would be out of work on my disability insurance but I was laid off brought back 3 months later and before my Cobra ran out....still didnt think right as the stress kept me spinning and didnt pick up before it ran out....I started a new job, not exactly what I want to do but it will pay the bills. Not half as stressful either so far...hopefully it wont be.

I understand about your daughter elaine. I have 4 sons....one is surely self will run riot...wonder where he got THAT from? The only way I can help him is prayer and working on me for him to see. It hurts to see our children in pain and we cant kiss it and slap a band-aid on it to make it better anymore. Our childrens recovery is thier responsibility. We do the best we can and the rest is in Gods hands. I can listen and its hard to do that without trying to fix it. If we dont let them suffer thier own consequences as we have had to, they dont learn. When your daughter has been in enough pain, she will do something about it.

Nanc