Trauma Therapy

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Hi,

I've been in therapy since I was 13, but I've been working with my current therapist since last August and I have been seeing her once a week, and from February this year, I've been seeing her twice a week. Prior to seeing my current therapist, no one apart from my GP knew about the past abuse; even my GP doesn't know everything as only told her bits.

I wrote a letter to my therapist early this year, briefly explaining what happened although not in detail as it was too hard. She is aware of the sexual abuse between 7-10 and again (with different people) between 13-16.

During various therapy sessions, I tend to loose touch and feel very strange. Therapist said it's dissociation and is perfectly normal. I seem to stare into space and get quite shaky and feel physically sick and my stomach makes weird noises. Psych thinks my body is expressing the trauma as I'm struggling to talk. I've had chronic pelvic pain for many years and she thinks it's to do with past trauma. I am able battling an addiction to pain killers but this is something therapist and GP is going to help me with.

I often freeze up in therapy. I want to talk but I still hear their voices telling me "not to tell anyone" that I'm "dirty." Therapist often said how she can see the real internal battle in my head. I don't realise I'm shaking until she does some grounding techniques with me. She's very good at noticing when I'm loosing connection.

I really do trust her and she really understand and everything she says is spot on.
I have horrible dreams and this is something I'm trying to tell her about. However, when she asks me whether I feel able to tell her a little bit about the dream, I claim up, loose touch, stare and feel weird and just can't get it out. Is this normal? She's assured me it is.

I've also been hearing a voice. At first, it was very jumbled although knew it was a male's voice. She and my GP think it's a form of flashback. After my nightmare last night, I heard the voice, very clearly and heard "spread your legs," "good girl" "well done."

I'm thinking about maybe writing it down and taking it to next session.

I fear i'll be in therapy for years. Although I am lucky to have found the Psychologist I have. She's a lovely person, very experienced in SA, eating disorders, PTSD etc.

Thank you for listening.
K x

 

[KwanYingirl]

Don't fear therapy. The work is slow and sometimes you slip a little backwards, but face forward and healing will come.

 

[littlelostchild]

I think of myself as a turtle in therapy. I move very slowly and sometimes I pull my head and legs right inside if I can't cope with what is happening. It sounds like you are making progress and that writing down your thoughts is a strategy that works for you.

I have been working with my therapist for over two years - we were traumatized over a long period of time, so our recovery takes time.

Be gentle with yourself

 

[Chava]

I feel for you. I've been hospitalized for alcoholism and anorexia (cutter too). I do maintain a healthy weight and don't have food or weight thoughts much at all any more, and have been sober for several years. It's hard because all the big symptoms make it feel like playing wack-a-mole sometimes, but creating a healthier life and living without self destruction is possible. And I did damage my body, too. But it's getting stronger. I didn't get any help for trauma for a really long time...just always treating the eating disorder or drinking. I wish I had gotten more help sooner but I had some pretty unhelpful experiences in therapy too and went to a horrible hospital.

I think it's great if you can work on all of this now. you are still very young. I hope you have lots of support people for your struggles and welcome to the forum.

:hug:

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
Is it okay to carry on talking on this thread?

K x

 

[Chava]

It's okay. Or you can start a new thread. How's it going? I'm not around much today but will check back.

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Thank you. I don't want to start a new thread and take up space.

I feel very exhausted today. I think I lost touch in therapy yesterday and my therapist had to bring me back around; asking me to name the colours in the painting in the room, tell her what was on the desk, put both feet on floor, etc - I felt more with it after that. Is that dissociation? I feel like I'm going mad :( I seem to stare into space and just get very tired and feel very strange.

I'm struggling to discuss even parts of the trauma. I can't get over the shame, guilt, disgust and dirt. As it's all sexual in nature, I don't know how to express. I thought about maybe writing things down in the room?

I have therapy twice a week but have a two week break from Friday next week.

K x

 

[Chava]

I feel a lot of what you feel...sort of a staring into space day for me too, and I often feel shame, guilt, disgust too. I wish I had something helpful to offer, but just know you're not alone in feeling these difficult things. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I'm trying to just not push myself to do things and allow myself to just stare into space a little. That is probably dissociation or something like it but we've never talked about it specifically in my therapy even though I feel like I disconnect a lot. I'm just not good at describing it. But I really have gone back into a sort of bubble of sorts and am trying to exist safely here for a little while.

Are you coming up with some strategies for getting through your extra time without therapy?

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Thank you for replying.

Yes, my Psych and I are working on some coping techniques and I may book in to see my GP in the time she's away. She's away for two weeks so I'll miss 4 sessions which I guess isn't long.

It is okay to be finding therapy so hard? I've been reassured that it's all at my own pace. I trust my therapist enough to *want* to try and talk but I just can't seem to get things out. It's so hard.

My parents and family also have no idea.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Not surprising- we kept those secrets as if our lives depended on it. Which is exactly what our abusers did to us. We are left literally dumbstruck. I can't make the words come out of my mouth. It's all wound up and stored in my mind and body and I can't find the words to tell my story. My therapists office has two overstuffed chairs next to each other where he sits in one, and a couch where I sit. When talk starts drifting into the anise story, I feel that my step grandfather is in the empty seat and it terrifies me. I'm telling you if I don't get a handle on that I am just spinning my wheels.

 

[ghotiff]

I disassociated with my first T quite badly. I do also with my new T but much less.

For me the disassociation is a sign that I am going too fast.

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Thank you for the kind words.

Does anyone have any tips on talking about really hard things in therapy? I have a wonderful Psychologists who knows the general gist of my past but I am finding it very hard to vocalise things. I want to talk but there's a voice in my head telling me not to talk and I freeze up and often dissociate. My therapist notices when I'm loosing touch and brings me back around.

I want to try and tell her bits about the nightmares but I just don't know how to. I feel disgusting and dirty. She reminds me that there's nothing to be ashamed of but I still do.

I was just wondering whether anyone has any advice on how to vocalise really difficult things?