Childhood Tried To Make An Abuser Proud?

[Deleted member 12723]

My abuser dad told my brother that if he had it to do over he would do the exact same things. I cut him out of my life and broke the cycles of abuse in my childrens lives. Now he is dead and cannot ever hurt another person again. I feel with you. I wish you the best in whatever you choose.

By the way he told my half brother many lies about me to explain why I had nothing to do with him. I suffered survivors guilt with my sibs for so many years. I understand. You are not alone.

 

[Candleflames]

This is something that I have struggled with as well. In my home physical beauty was held to the highest esteem. My sister got all the praise for her thinness and beauty. Trying to compete and win their love nearly killed me with the drugs and eating disorder. It really only made things worse for when the truth came out I was ridiculed. Now I have gone to the opposite end and hide everything I do that makes me feel like a decent person. Both ways of coping suck.

There's some really good advice here. Thanks for posting the question.

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

@jphillips90 same exact boat... I'm the oldest (25) and my 2 brothers are 14 & 16. 16 yr old has aspergers. They were my everything, especially the 16 yr old. I cut my mom off over 2 months ago. My youngest brother immediately became withdrawn, but the older one begged for my help to get him away from her psycho freak outs. In the end, she had said or done something so that out of nowhere 3 days ago, they refuse to talk to me. They, like my mother want NOTHING to do with me. And the possibilities of what on Earth that manipulative B**** told them is limitless. It's just hard to understand how I was their confidant and now they are the ones choosing to not know thief only sister :(

 

[Ellabella44]

have given up even trying.. I used to think if i could be just good enough... she would be happy with me. marrying a good man.. didnt do it, having children.. still nope... you get to a point where you cant play the game anymore. and she herself was playing the same game with her mother... never good enough..... no matter what hoops she jumped through. seeing me as not her child, but as an extension of herself... I guess she has it in her head that I deserved what she got. Now she wants a relationship with me.. and im 44. The years till now according to my brother and step sisters they have watched her put me down etc and have not liked it. I'm through, I've had enough... thing is we think of parents as whos supposed to provide us with unconditional love... but some put their own insecurities, abuse, mistreatment on the very person who could grow to love them ... their child. and you really cant please anyone who doesn't decide to protect thier child from all of that.

I did the best i could with my own kids, so far, they are teenagers who seem to actually love me. I dont think that they honestly would if I was like my mother. they are their own people, have their own achievements, and really i think the best you can do coming from a situation of parents who are abusive and unable to be pleased, is to not continue the cycle... give your own children the parenting you wish you had had. care about them without strings, without having them do things to win your approval, you cant fix your mother, but you can fix you by being a mother who isnt like her.