Childhood Trigger From My Childhood Sexual Abuse - Seeing Breastfeeding.

[Lucycat]

As a small child I was sexually abused by my father. When I reached puberty and had breasts 'budding' my father abused these also, at the same time.

As a result I find seeing ladies breastfeeding their babies a trigger, and this has been heightened recently by a huge amount of UK news coverage. This included showing loads of pictures just to get the point across.

I work as a health professional. A few years ago my establishment were applying for a 'baby-friendly' award and that entailed all staff being trained in breastfeeding. I reluctantly went along for the first 2 days, but I found it horrific and could not explain to them why. Thereafter I discussed it with my T and then contacted the Occupational Health Department who were able to excuse me on health grounds from completing the training. This was sent to my line manager, her manager and the project lead. None of them knew why and simply thought I was being awkward. However I did not get forced to do the remainder of the training which involved real women feeding their infants and the professionals handling the breasts. (I must add for me this training was purely for the establishment to tick a box and get an award. In my day to day job I do not deal with infant feeding).

Am I the only one on here who feels that seeing other people breastfeeding is a trigger? I am feeling very lonely and vulnerable with this issue and am not sure that people understand.

Please - I do not want to start another discussion on the right way to feed an infant. This is purely about dealing with a specific trigger - which I had thought was in the past until the recent events on TV.

 

[digger]

Am I the only one on here who feels that seeing other people breastfeeding is a trigger? I am feeling very lonely and vulnerable with this issue and am not sure that people understand.

While I don't share the same specific trigger, I do just want to say again, on this post, that it is completely understandable to me, given the nature of your abuse, that you do, and that I can identify with it from triggers that I do have.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone with it. It is really shitty when the news or life feels so full of the things that hurt us.

 

[GWhizz]

Hi @Lucycat.

Okay so I know you said you've discussed this somewhat previously with your T. And I am not a therapist so please excuse my thoughts if they appear moronic! I am just wondering whether you or your T have/had any thoughts on exposure therapy. I don't mean direct witnessing but possibly starting with non-visual education about the physiology of breastfeeding and the benefits of it, so to break the negative associations somewhat and try put some positive links in place.

I know you're an intelligent lady and as a health professional, probably very educated/informed about this already so excuse this idea if it seems silly. It's just that I myself had my breasts abused and so I literally hate them. But I was able to do some positive work that allowed me to overcome this and in fact, made me determined to not let the f*cker take away this incredible womanly function to nourish and bond with my child. He already took so much, my self-confidence and body image. I guess for me it's easier to do it for someone else, so I did this for my son moreso than my gain. But I also did it to not allow my abuser dominate yet another aspect of my life today or my thinking.

 

[scout86]

that entailed all staff being trained in breastfeeding.

This is a bit off topic, but I'm trying to picture this. Must be an all female staff, huh? Or, were they just training people in the technique, from a spectator's point of view?

I think your reaction is quite understandable. And, while I understand that breast feeding is a good thing and shouldn't be considered shameful, I also think, at least in this culture, it's on the list of "things best done in private". In public, it makes me uncomfortable. I haven't really considered why, just know that it does.

 

[Lucycat]

Absolutely NOT all female staff. The training was not merely spectator either it included handling the infant and the breast and assisting the nursing mother to put the 2 together ie latching on. I guess most staff are female but certainly not all and that was not considered relevant in our 'equal' society ( that was meant as sarcasm )

 

[GWhizz]

@scout86 I find your comment amusing! I work with male nurses and midwives.

I find it funny how certain patients (generally elderly women) will request only a female nurse to help with washing/dressing etc, yet have no objection to examinations by male ob/gyn's or breast specialists.

I mean, I catheterize men. Why can't a male assist a woman to breastfeed? Maybe it's just the fact that being in the healthcare profession so long I just see all body parts as normal! Not that I don't have my own crazy issues about my own body - silly right?!

 

[scout86]

@GWhizz , I was picturing this more from the standpoint of "practicing breastfeeding" when a male breast doesn't provide much to work with.:confused:

 

[GWhizz]

@scout86 I see why you got this idea now when I read 'being trained in breastfeeding' lol

 

[joeylittle]

@Lucycat, I just wanted to echo Digger's post: your trigger is absolutely valid. It is a lonely thing to wonder if anyone else can understand something we feel - and while I can't empathize with this trigger you are describing, because I don't have it, I definitely empathize with feeling very lonely and vulnerable about being triggered by something very mainstream, something even considered laudable. That part would be especially awful.

I have a specific trigger that average people respond to as something special, positive, and very very OK. Being triggered and then feeling so freakish about it, that's what your post reminds me of.

And it's very brave and healthy for you to write about it.

 

[Brenton]

As a small child I was sexually abused by my father. When I reached puberty and had breasts 'budding' my...

I'm triggered whenever I see a mother and son together and the mom is being kind to the boy. It makes me want to snuff myself, the pain over what was taken from me is so horrible. I understand the power of triggers and I empathize. I've had panic attacks just seeing parents being kind to their children. I have no idea what its like to be loved as a child and I can barely feel loved as an adult. I'm mostly numb to everything, like the world is made of plastic.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Lucycat I also find seeing this a trigger. I don't want to go into detail but my mother sexually abused me in different ways and as a result, seeing women breastfeeding turns my stomach, I can't stand it.