99Phoenix99
Gold Member
Right so quick back story.
Ages 15-22 I've either been hospitalized or on bedrest. PTSD stems from medical procedures as well as various near death experiences due to illness.
I'll be in the hospital on the 10th for a scheduled procedure that'll involve about 20 shots in both the head and neck for nerve blocks as well as IM injections. This procedure has previously caused me to black out from pain as well as go into shock.
However this time it'll be different. This time I'll be sedated.
But... even though I'm being sedated I can't get it out of my head. I'm prepping myself like I always have.
The closer the date is the more closed off I'm becoming. I'm starting to dissociate here and there. I've been having full blown flash backs in the middle of the day that bleed into my dreams. This always happens when I have this treatment. As the date comes closer my symptoms get worse and worse until the day of when I get there I just completely dissociate.
It's like a process to get myself in trance like mindset to get through that day. Prepping myself for my own little hell.
I know it won't be like before. I'm not going to be held down by nurses as my body jerks from the pain of the needle. I'm not going to black out or pass out. I'm not going to go into shock. I'm not going to feel the needle puncturing deep into my face. I'm not going to feel the needle hit a nerve or a bone. I'm not going to feel the immediate pain. I'm not going to feel the needle seperating skin and muscle. I'm not going to feel it.
But I can't get it out of my head.
Flashback after flashback of so many different times I've had this treatment are running through my head. And each and every time I have a flashback I'm slowly but surely just distancing myself. It's as if every single one is acting as a warning of what's to come.
Each day it's getting worse.
Normally the day of the procedure I know I'll be completely gone. Everything about the day will be mechanical. I'll wake up, get in the car, drive to the hospital, go over some insurance paperwork, then just take the treatment. Yes it'll be me but I'll be so far away, so seperated from it all, that I'll just look back at that day as if it was a movie clip not an actual memory.
I don't know how to stop this from happening. I don't want to be so dissociated that I can only barely remember bits and pieces of the day because I DON'T have to do that routine anymore, but I'm falling into it anyway.
I don't know how not to do this routine.
I've been trying some grounding techniques but it's just not cutting this time.
I don't even know what I'm asking for in this thread to be honest. Just any advice or thoughts I guess.
Ages 15-22 I've either been hospitalized or on bedrest. PTSD stems from medical procedures as well as various near death experiences due to illness.
I'll be in the hospital on the 10th for a scheduled procedure that'll involve about 20 shots in both the head and neck for nerve blocks as well as IM injections. This procedure has previously caused me to black out from pain as well as go into shock.
However this time it'll be different. This time I'll be sedated.
But... even though I'm being sedated I can't get it out of my head. I'm prepping myself like I always have.
The closer the date is the more closed off I'm becoming. I'm starting to dissociate here and there. I've been having full blown flash backs in the middle of the day that bleed into my dreams. This always happens when I have this treatment. As the date comes closer my symptoms get worse and worse until the day of when I get there I just completely dissociate.
It's like a process to get myself in trance like mindset to get through that day. Prepping myself for my own little hell.
I know it won't be like before. I'm not going to be held down by nurses as my body jerks from the pain of the needle. I'm not going to black out or pass out. I'm not going to go into shock. I'm not going to feel the needle puncturing deep into my face. I'm not going to feel the needle hit a nerve or a bone. I'm not going to feel the immediate pain. I'm not going to feel the needle seperating skin and muscle. I'm not going to feel it.
But I can't get it out of my head.
Flashback after flashback of so many different times I've had this treatment are running through my head. And each and every time I have a flashback I'm slowly but surely just distancing myself. It's as if every single one is acting as a warning of what's to come.
Each day it's getting worse.
Normally the day of the procedure I know I'll be completely gone. Everything about the day will be mechanical. I'll wake up, get in the car, drive to the hospital, go over some insurance paperwork, then just take the treatment. Yes it'll be me but I'll be so far away, so seperated from it all, that I'll just look back at that day as if it was a movie clip not an actual memory.
I don't know how to stop this from happening. I don't want to be so dissociated that I can only barely remember bits and pieces of the day because I DON'T have to do that routine anymore, but I'm falling into it anyway.
I don't know how not to do this routine.
I've been trying some grounding techniques but it's just not cutting this time.
I don't even know what I'm asking for in this thread to be honest. Just any advice or thoughts I guess.
