Childhood Trigger Warning Csa

[GWhizz]

Link Removed

This is obviously an article anyone can find on a random Google search - I stumbled upon it accidentally because I began looking into grooming - something my T is encouraging me to consider as I just can't get past the self blame/shame, feeling responsible/disgusting etc.

What really resonated with me was this part: 'It is a heartbreaking truth that children may be made available by their own parents for rape by other adults.'

I just can't understand why or how they could do this to me. And terrorise me into believing it was all my fault. I know realising this is a good turning point in helping overcome the self-blame. But I still want it to not be real. I can't handle how my parents could do this do me. How my father could use/abuse me himself, then literally sell me out. And my mother sit by and smile/nod at him whilst telling me just how horrid and depraved I was. How can this world be this messed up?

Now that I have my own child, it actually only makes me think all the more - 'they wouldn't have done this to a child unless I did something to deserve it, because why else or how else could you hurt your own child if they were just innocent?'

Anyone relate?

 

[scout86]

I can relate, in a way. Different situations, but the "what were they thinking?" aspect, yeah, for sure.

You'll probably never have an answer for that. I don't think there IS a good answer. Some people have a very twisted view of the universe. They have their own issues and their own demons. I guess it's not easier understanding them than it is for someone who doesn't have PTSD to know what that's like, or for someone who's always had sight to truly understand blindness.

Fact it, a GOOD parent wouldn't want to hurt their kid, or put their kid in those situations no matter WHAT the kid did. Right? Can you actually imagine anything a child could possibly do to justify someone using them that way? I can't and I'm pretty sure you can't either. I'd be willing to bet that you were a sweet, lovable child that some "normal" parent would have felt honored to raise.

 

[KwanYingirl]

When I told my mother about what my grandfather had done to me, she casually said she knew he had molested other people. That's all she ever said about it and she was so blasé about it I was disgusted. My father was an abusive alcoholic who terrorized us me in particular. Again my mother would be right there doing nothing to stop him. These people are pure evil. Evil exists and anyone that could treat a child with such violence deserves the electric chair because they murder our soul.

 

[ghotiff]

My mother chose denial rather than change my gymnastics school. Such a simple change would have stopped 5 years of abuse. I don't get it either.

 

[GWhizz]

It's so so messed up and yes you're all right - I will probably never understand it or get a clear or sensible answer. There's nothing sensible about it so that probably sounds stupid
now that I hear myself talking!

It's so paradoxical because I do look at children and wonder what I could have ever done to 'deserve' that mistreatment. I know they were wrong in doing/allowing it all. But at the same time, I really cannot help but look at a child and wonder why I was so different, that there must have been something wrong with me or about me, to lead one's own parents to hurt them so much.

I don't know, it consumes so much mental energy for me to try to look at it subjectively, nevermind objectively. I really am trying to be openminded about my T's suggestions on it. But this too is mentally exhausting. It's very hard to try to change how we think. Especially if we had certain concepts drummed into our heads as children when we were trying to form little identities of our own.

 

[ghotiff]

But this too is mentally exhausting. It's very hard to try to change how we think. Especially if we had certain concepts drummed into our heads as children when we were trying to form little identities of our own.

I hear you loud and clear on this. I'm right there with you with my T trying to change some of my thinking.

She reminded me again today that it will happen only slowly and to be patient and gentle with myself. Good advice that I'm trying to take.

 

[RussH]

But at the same time, I really cannot help but look at a child and wonder why I was so different, that there must have been something wrong with me or about me, to lead one's own parents to hurt them so much.

Have you ever considered that there was nothing wrong with you? Perhaps the wrong was with your parents? What I mean is simply that your parents did not have a bad kid; they were just bad parents.
I don't think you can blame yourself for how they abused you. Think about it; so what if your dad wanted a son who could be an all-pro quarterback, or your mom wanted a daugher who could be homecoming queen. Or what if your parents wanted you to be a brainyiac? So what if you did not live up to what your parents were expecting to have in their child?
A parent should never force a child to fit into their idea of the perfect child. A parent should love and esteem their child, and help them realize the potential of their stengths and help them become the person they want to be, and not who the parent wants to child to become.

I cannot explain why your parent forced you to stay in that particular class, but if they knew that you were being abused, and allowed it to continue, then they were wrong. You did nothing to deserve it

 

[CrazyHorse]

So what if you did not live up to what your parents were expecting to have in their child?

RussH, I think you may have misunderstood what GWizz is writing about.

Perhaps the wrong was with your parents?

The wrong was most certainly and ONLY with your parents!!!!

GWizz, I am sorry! I wish I had something helpful to say. I can really understand how difficult it must be for you to comprehend that they actually did this to you.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @CrazyHorse for being understanding.

Yes @RussH I do think you misunderstood me somewhere along the way though maybe I wasn't clear enough in my posts. I'm not sure what you mean by removing me from a class? My parents were my primary abusers. They also are pretty much low life's who never worked nor achieved anything, except having 5 kids whom they did their utmost to mess up or destroy. I on the other hand, having always been the high achiever in my family - went and got a career, graduated top of my programme and was the only one to leave that crazy household before it killed the little ambition/fight I managed to hold on to.

I do appreciate your comment though about my parents being the problem not me.

 

[ghotiff]

I think Russ got confused and merged our two posts in his mind.

 

[RussH]

@ghotiff I think you are right. It is what I get for trying to respond to a post when I have a million and one things on my mind.