Trigger While At School Today

[InsideAWord]

After my class, I walked downstairs to the cafeteria to grab a drink before I drove home. A student from the criminal justice department came over and asked me to come view a project a bunch of senior CJUS students have been working on. I like to stay tied to the university's community and help out, so I said sure. However, when I saw what the project was on, I felt my breath quicken and my face and chest started burning as if with embarrassment.

The CJUS students did a senior group collaboration on "clemency" in the Illinois prison system, which gives convicts the privilege to erase a conviction from their record if the offender demonstrates good conduct and wants to join the workforce (since it is very hard to grab a job with a bad record anymore.)

The burning sensation crawled down into my belly and I felt nausea rising in my throat as my knees began buckling. I excused myself quickly and ran into the bathroom. I shut the stall door and started trying the Breathe 1-2-3-4 method to de-escalate. After about 7 minutes, I just started tearing up and felt powerless.

My traumatic event was when I was wrongfully arrested and thrown in jail because my boyfriend at the time possessed MDMA in my car without my knowledge. I had no idea there was any MDMA in the car and I'm not a drug user. I had to spend 4 days in prison while sharing a cell with a convicted murderer and facing abuse from other inmates until my family selflessly came to Nebraska (the state we were driving through) to pay my bond. My case was dropped three weeks ago. I didn't realize that any reminder of the prison system could hold me so petrified and powerless.

 

[macca]

It's hard to experience a trigger when you're not expecting it, & you couldn't have seen that one coming. At least you can be certain this is a trigger now. Are you seeing a therapist? This seems like a good thing to tell them about. I've done the "bathroom disappearing act" when triggered recently too, and had my emotions go haywire. It's not great, and then you've got to pull yourself together so people around won't know. It's a horrible experience, but also the only way we can identify and work on our triggers. Hope you're feeling better.

 

[InsideAWord]

Yes, I called the office and left a message that I want to schedule a phone conference for tomorrow. I have been anxious around any tv shows that show people getting arrested, but I didn't think that this would have resulted in a full-blown panic attack. Thank you for replying. I was noticing all the views on this and no one seemed to want to reply and I was worried that everyone was judging me for what my traumatic event entailed.

 

[DMerish]

Folks sometimes just need to write about their experience and your post clearly did that.

I didn't know you hoped for a replies until I read your second post :-o

What an awful thing to go through (being incarcerated when you, yourself, did not go against the law). And then to be triggered and go through all of that. :confused: :mad: :sick: I'm sure many here are quite familiar with the bathroom escape :arghh;

I hope you feel at least a little bit proud of yourself for getting yourself to the restroom and remembering the grounding/breathing. I think you should! I agree with Mecca - great experience to share with your therapist.

Kind regards (((hug))) if you want/need it.

Drew

 

[InsideAWord]

Sorry, I'm still new to this and I just wanted to make sure that no one on here looks at me like I'm a criminal because I'm not. I don't know if this is my paranoia just grabbing ahold of me but I just fear judgment and I'm pleading that no one on here judges me. I was and still am innocent.

I don't know, I just feel discombobulated at the moment, like my skin is too tight.

 

[DMerish]

Having concerns about being judged often seems to go along with having PTSD. But you can relax a bit - folks on this forum are usually very non-judgmental. Often times, folks will end their post with a question, or simply state what it is they feel they need, i.e. feedback, hugs, support, etc. or they'll just say they need to vent. Just a thought . . . ;)

 

[InsideAWord]

Alright, cool. I'll keep that in mind for the next time. My bad. I didn't know if that would come off as too needy or anything.

I definitely just stress-ate a swirled frosty from Wendy's just now. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

 

[macca]

Hey there @InsideAWord Dmerish is right, nobody here will judge you! I've only been around here for a couple of months, but I know I've read other stories on here of people being wrongfully arrested - you're not alone. It IS a horrible experience.

I definitely just stress-ate a swirled frosty from Wendy's just now

LOL! I do that too!

 

[DMerish]

I definitely just stress-ate a swirled frosty from Wendy's just now. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

:) :D :p :tup:

 

[GingerAli]

When I was 16, long story short, I was wrongfully arrested for something. I didn't have to go to jail, but the experience was VERY traumatic for me. ( I didn't know it at the time, but I likely already had PTSD, but that made it TONS worse) I was able to learn something from it, which helped me MANY MANY years later, to look back on it with more meaning. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I know how you feel. I'm glad you are going to counseling. With that help you may be able to heal from it. I certainly wish I would have gone. And as for judging, no one is going to judge you, it's legal in some states, and it wasn't your fault!

 

[RussH]

insideaword, it is really hard when you get so unexpectedly trigger like that. I hope that this experience leaves as quickly as it came.

I am glad to hear your case was dropped and you are no longer facing any legal intanglements.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

 

[InsideAWord]

Thank you everyone, I feel more comfortable here now