@xena21. Safe hugs if wanted …
I relate to a lot of what you've put. I am a similar age to you, and at the end of the year it will be my big Four Oh - and that comes with it huge fears of growing old and being alone. Not that I want to be with another person - I actually don't. I think I would be quite happy being single forever, and being the neighborhood crazy cat and dog lady :). And you now what - there is NOTHING wrong with that at all.
There are several online source you can google, of stories from other women, who might be 'childless by choice' - just to differentiate between those of us that do not want children, from those that desperately do want children, but due to infertility issues, cannot. I sometimes feel insecure about my life in that yes, it might not be 'the norm' to be a single woman with no desire to want kids or a husband, but the reality is, we are FAR form the lonely old spinsters living a life of regret! Ok, so Oprah has a husband, but she chose not to have kids.
Just know, that even though it doesn't feel it now, it is VERY possible to live a fulfilling, happy,content life, being a middle aged, single woman without children. :)
In terms of feeling safe - that is a hard one. It's great you are talking to your T about this - it's quite possible that the 'fantasy of what 'safe' would actually be like, is not reality. I.e, if you did have kids and a husband, that is no guarantee either of them will protect you or even stay with you. Or, it might be you have the world's nicest husband, but he is unable to give you want you do desperately need - a sense of safety - probably safety you needed as a child but did not get. If it's your inner child, the part of you that is desperate to feel safe, that is looking and searching for this safety, then a huge part of your healing will be in somehow3e being able to accept that time is lost; as adults we cannot 'get' the safety we needed as a child, as an adult. Not unless you entered a very unequal relationship with someone where they parented you - they made all the decision, and took all the control. It would likely be a very unhealthy relationship though - in which they had to give you love, care, attention, but never receive it in return (at least not in an adult way, from your inner child). It would be doomed to work.
Xena - you say you feel you will 'die' before you allow another human being close to you, and how you'd rather die alone sooner rather than later, than always have this ache to be with someone, yet too terrified to allow it to happen. Yes, it is a very real fear you have, but it is not reality hun. I very much relate to this, I have been struggling with just this issue for the past few months.
How is your relationship with your T? have you been seeing them for long? Do you trust him / her? The therapeutic relationship is an awesome opportunity to learn how to allow the walls to come down from around you, and to centre out to make a connection with another human being. You must be already doing this to an extent, given you have talked a little about this recently with your T. It's taken months of seeing my T to feel safe enough to open up to her about some of my biggest fears, ones I have had (in relation to her) for most of a year! I've been TERRIFIED to raise some of those issues and fears - but each time, she was been nothing but awesome - non judgmental, open, receptive, and encouraging. With each baby step I take, I can feel myself slowly trusting her more and more - and I am feeling SAFE at times. Even in the days in between our once a week sessions, I can feel 'safe' just knowing she is 'out there' and I will be seeing her again soon.
But I was only able to start feeling 'safe' when I let myself take the baby steps and open up to her. It took me a long time to wrk out what my big fears were with her. Initially all I felt was incredibly triggered when I saw her (dissociated, and afraid). I posted a lot about this - 'when therapy is your biggest trigger' thread. I was able to work out I was terrified (understatement) of a) what she thought of me, b) what I thought of her, c) anything that recognized or acknowledged ANY form of a connection to her at all. I cannot make any eye contact with her. I can't even tell you what shoes or pants she wears, or what color anything she is wearing is, I am so cut off from her in our sessions. I am THAT vulnerable and terrified of a 'connection'.
I feel I am a long way away from even looking at her shoes, but I have taken other baby steps and I am feeling the rewards of those. I was able to work out why I am so afraid of a 'connection' between us - because my mother's relationship with me was one of emotional rape, she would invade me emotionally, flood me, take all the good things I had inside, and drain them from me, leaving me feeling empty, drained, vulnerable and in desperate need of being loved. Logically I know my T has no intention AT ALL of harming me in ANY way - but emotionally, my inner child is still terrified she will 'invade' me. In talking to her about these fears, and why I have them, I have been able to receive a lot of reassurance form her that she will not ever purposefully hurt me. I don't' always feel its true at the time, but once I get home (and a lot of distance is put between us) I can sometimes let that sink in - and my inner child DANCES with JOY at how she really doesn't want to hurt me!
So how is it with your T?
