Triggered In Class

[Deleted member 28403]

Today, during the English lesson teacher brought a text about bullying. The text was wrong on many points and memories came onto me.

Teacher gave everyone texts and introduced them to the meaning of the word bully. Then they started discussing the ways of bullying. They talked about how just ignoring the bully helps, and I was feeling anger and sadness. And I mumbled out some stuff into the discussion, about how wrong they are. And then only sadness was left as some asked what happened to me in the previous schools. I was getting really frustrated and losing myself, a protective mechanism. I said that I don't want to talk about it, and I was already fairly out of my own mind. I was barely feeling any pain as I scratched and pinched myself and everything to awake from that state. I was sad, angry, frustrated. I wanted them to stop talking. Then a kid, who by my opinion would probably be bullied a lot, as he shows a lot of stuff indicating he is gay. He is in the waldorf school from the first grade and never experienced bullying. He started talking about how he would never be bullyed as he is a good kid and stuff, and anger filled me. I hated him for saying that and talking in such a way. 'She' went explaining to him that he would, and stood in for my voice, that was non-existant at the moment as seen from outside I was staring into the teachers desk for several minutes. I didn't notice when I shifted to simple numbness of watching all that from another persons perspective. And then the bell ringed and I partially awoke from tgat state. I had nail markings on my right hand from scratching it and stuff to stop the state before. I managed to get up but was fizzy and couldn't quite walk normally. I picked up my stuff and on semi autopilot went outside the school as the school ended. She was with me and hugged me, so I calmed down more. I went with her and calmed down as we walked to the station. I was pretty calm by when we reached the station. I am confused with what happened there. I know I stared ibto that other kid for a while and that I was acting wierdish. I am confused and my memory is fuzzy. Tommorow I'm going to another city for theraphy. Night is setting in right now and I'm starting to fall to depression and panic. Powerlessness. Will try to contact 'her'.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Otakujome. I don't know what school you're in, but I figured (after a looooooooong time of enduring panick attacks during class) that I could choose to get up and leave. It's easier to leave during a college lecture than during a small classroom class though, and you might get noticed way more by your fellow students. I guess that's the downside of small classes.

But on the other hand just enduring one of those attacks, sitting it through, spacing out, hurting yourself, that isn't good. It being such a sensitive topic for you, it might be an idea (the next time you guys have to discuss this topic) to ask the teacher whether it'd be okay to take a leave for a while.

At university there'd be classes concerning rape and I would just ask the professor for permission to leave, telling them that I had been through "similar stuff" and that it was very upsetting to me. They're always understanding.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I often sinply can't say stuff. During a panic attack on which there is a post, I barely managed to ask the teacher to be moved. I just fade away and become unable to control myself. The one I refeer to as 'her' is the only thing that keeps me going. I became unable to talk for myself or control my actions. I just stared into a point, and later into that kid, for what he said. I hate myself for so many things. Being unable to do stuff. Fading away. I probably won't be able to talk about what bothers me tommorow on theraphy.

 

[joeylittle]

Can you bring the therapist these posts? Sometimes it's hard to talk but not hard to give them a piece of paper.

I'm sorry about class. it sounds like you might have been mildly dissociated, I describe that feeling as "fuzzy" when it happens to me. Have you ever tried doodling instead of picking at yourself? I pick at my fingers badly, but doodling distracts me the same way, especially if I can push into the paper a little.

 

[Eleanor]

I have known other students who recruited a "buddy" in class - who could keep an eye on them and help them ground when they started to go "out." Also, If you can predict what might trigger you, you might ask the professor to give you a "head's up" about the topic - most are very understanding.

Also, if you can, it might be helpful to focus on "her" and see her as modeling what will be possible for you one day. The more you can imagine yourself doing something different while you are in that state the more likely you are to be able to DO it, or some lesser version of it in the future.

I am sorry you hate yourself. I see NO REASON WHATSOEVER that you are hatable. You are rather admirable for having stuck it out in a very very difficult situation, and extraordinary for even TRYING to speak your truth in a context in which you did not feel safe. Kudos to you!

It does sound like you are dissociating - and pain is one way to stop that - but it is not the best way. If you can have "her" help you (tell you) to do some other things (breathe, feel your feet, count backwards by 17 from 400, anything that will diminish the fear response - fixed stare, "freeze" physiology, or activate another emotional system...) it might really really help. And if she sees you going totally "out" give her permission to get you out of the room.

This is totally and completely fair and a reasonable thing to ask. She doesn't HAVE to do it of course, but she won't even know she could if you don't ask. And it sounds like she likes to help. And offering her the chance to is a gift to her.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@otakujome :hug: Good job on posting the new thread! It took some courage just like I know you will muster again when you are in therapy. One day at a time, ok?

You are taking such strong steps to change for the better and empower yourself. So please be gentle on yourself with acceptance that you are a 'work in progress'. The therapist is a really big step to freedom from those trapped thoughts, but the journey may take a few sessions. So be patient with both yourself and the new T.

Let us know how it went. So proud of you. :tup:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Thank you all. I mamaged to sleep for a few hours tonight, almost 3, but useless as most of it was REM sleep and no actual rest. It's 6 AM, probably won't sleep more.

@Recovery4Me

Thank you for all the support, you always find the good side of stuff. Thank you.

@joeylittle

I popbably will, just giving them some posts that describe stuff that happens should work. Thank you for boosting the idea.

@Eleanor

I did not recruit her, she just knows me really well. She is my only true support and the only person I trust. She helps me on her own, giving me hugs and stuff when she sees me down. I am really thankful to her.