Triggers, boundaries & dating

[Sideways]

So, if I was hypothetically to go on a date...

How much do you tolerate in terms of triggers? And how do you do that?

The guy seems like a pretty nice, genuine sort of guy. But he has a beard. Beards are a trigger for me. It sounds a bit pathetic, but my abuser had a beard, and it's one of the really distinct things I remember about him, because the beard was always aginst my skin, and when awful things were happening, I could feel the beard. I hated the beard. Hate it coming towards me, hate it touching me, hate it hate it hate it.

Fast forward a couple of decades and an otherwise really pleasant guy, friendly, nice, accepting, open-minded... but he's got a beard.

I'd feeel really uncomfortable asking him to shave it off. If someone told me to change my hairstyle? I'd laugh, and move on.

How do you come at superficial triggers like that when you're kind of striking up new relationships?

 

[KerriJ]

Okay. First thing, you do not have share any history with this guy until you feel comfortable.

Personally, I straight up tell anyone I'm dating/or have seen more than once in romantic context that I have an abusive past and need to take things slow.

Take it slow is my advice. I used to be triggered by men with beards as well (my dad has one and was abusive) I got to know a guy first, with out touching/feeling/being near the beard. Eventually, I was able to no longer associated it with my father.

If you are unable to do that, be honest with him after you've gotten to know each other. Explain to him that you were abused by someone with a beard and that you are not sure how comfortable you will be in the future if you have to be near his facial hair. He may not want to shave it off (it's his beard, so his choice) However, a considerate loving partner would take your feelings into consideration and work with you to find a way to cope with your trigger. (Maybe keeping a 5 o clock shadow instead, maybe never having to touch his beard, etc)

Hope this helped a bit hun!

 

[Sideways]

Thank you @KerriJ - great advice and very reassuring. I feel way out of my comfort zone and don't have a lot of confidence in knowing what's reasonable

 

[KerriJ]

Thank you @KerriJ - great advice and very reassuring. I feel way out of my c...

It's okay. Remember, most of us with trauma /PTSD have to learn these things.

Remind yourself that it is not a catastrophe if things don't go perfect with him when you talk about it. Triggers are sensitive things (hell PTSD is a sensitive and stigmatized thing) so it may take a bit of explaining for him to understand. That's why it's great to be casual about it, it helps put them at eas too. If you are super nervous or anxious about it, try writing out things and roleplaying before talking to him.

(Sorry for word vomiting. I am trying so hard to put what I've learned into a post )

 

[NewBeginnings]

Okay. First thing, you do not have share any history with this guy until you feel comfortable.

Personal...

My step father had a beard and I knew that o didn't like it on my husband but he was so proud he grew it out somewhat recently (couple of years) I get weird around the beard touching me especially when it gets wet, or food droppings or anyway you get the idea. Can't seem to directly tell him. He know I don't like it and I thought it was going to be a phase-

Is this really something one can get over ?

 

[KerriJ]

My step father had a beard and I knew that o didn't like it on my husband but he was so proud...

I did. But my SO looks VERY different from my father, and that probably helps. I focused more on his personality and how safe he is/the differences in their personalities and how wonderful he treated me, and that helped me talk through the beard trigger. (Keep in mind this took me a good almost year. And I've been free from my father's house for 3 years.)

 

[NewBeginnings]

I still have a ways to go...