Trouble accepting having PTSD?

[SeekingAfrica]

Do you have trouble accepting your diagnosis? Not that you don't believe you have it or it doesn't make sense, but in a way of not allowing yourself the space to deal with it? I am not sure how to explain it. But I think I've lost more time not to flashbacks or panic attacks and so on, but because I keep thinking of myself in terms of how I would do things before I got PTSD. So whenever I have flashback for example I keep fighting it and I keep being angry at myself because this is not how I planned my normal day and there is no space in my schedule for flashbacks.

And the person I am really angry at I will never see again, one of them, and the other is dead. And so I get angry at myself and until recently that meant falling apart. Thinking that any progress and all I am is falling apart and disappearing every time I have flashback. Because I can't be having flashbacks or PTSD or dealing with this, and there is no space in my schedule for that. And before I know it I completely spin out of control, because I can't have PTSD, but I do and I'm angry and I direct all this anger at myself. Or I completely freeze and before I know it I have pushed my whole schedule to the next day because I can't move...

I've been getting better lately, but it's made me realize how many times I had the reaction I mentioned above. So I was wondering if maybe it's not just me. I don't know why, but accepting that I am really going through this is still a struggle, although I am getting better every day. I hope this thread is another step forward, because the more I accept it, the more I can accept any symptoms that appear and allow cushion of time in my schedule, or build systems in my life to help me deal with dose as just moments and not completely falling apart.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like denial.

Have you tried radical acceptance?

 

[The Albatross]

The correct/best use of anger is "motivation to change/improve", which was good for me to luck into when I did because turning anger inward damn near killed me... several times.

Realizing the propensity/proclivity means you've got a bit more emotional levity and is a growth thing. The determination as to whether or not you elect to rectify/resolve this issue is now yours!!! Growing pains Africa!!! Struggle, sadly is often part of the process but as you practice it normalizes and the stress decreases with repetition... your "new"/preferred mind set stabilizes and things improve. Honest.

 

[nomorefear]

Yes, I do understand. I think the first step is always admitting you have a problem - whatever that might be. Sometimes the diagnosis is the hardest part. Maybe not sometimes, maybe a lot of times. I say this because I know many people with issues who refuse to face them. Because they won't look in the mirror, admit they have a problem, get a diagnosis and then get help for their diagnosis, they end up spewing their problems on everyone around them.

I commend you for accepting that you have PTSD. Now the next step is learning to live with it. It took me a long time to realize that I had PTSD. But since I have admitted it, I think I am learning to deal with it and control it. I saw on Facebook that if you don't heal from your wounds, you end up bleeding on everyone else. I know I did that for many years.

After my diagnosis I became very curious about how the brain works and deals with trauma. I read an interesting book - Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel Amen. I think you would like it. I also read Rethink How You Think by Dr. David Stoop. Both books taught me the importance of filling my mind with positive, constructive, truthful thoughts.

This is one of my favorite quotes:
"You can’t move forward if you’re always looking in your rearview mirror. To move forward you must look through the windshield and only glance in the rearview mirror occasionally."
It helps me to look in front of me to where I am going (goals, etc.) and stop looking behind (regrets, wounds, etc.)

 

[The Albatross]

Nomorefear's post reminds me of an ACT analogy as well... the difference between being inwardly focused versus able to start and restart days with thoughts/vision unobscured. Russ Harris: Hands as Thoughts metaphor

and also... Sushi Train metaphor...

You may not yet be at a place to do or endeavor to try ACT.... but if you can open your mind to the possibilities, and continue to assess and question your thoughts... it will regulate. I'll be here for ya, holler if ya need me k?

 

[Whirlwind]

Do you have trouble accepting your diagnosis?

I did. I was horrified at the time.

I felt I had done so good in my life despite abysmal start...and the diagnosis meant I was damaged the whole time. I was a mix of shame and fury at the time. And it scared me because it reflected on my life at the moment...I was not seeing a therapist for me but because my husband was scaring me. It started as marriage counseling and went down a different road.

I am really angry at I will never see again, one of them, and the other is dead.

I walked away from my FOO in my teens. I never saw them again, they are long dead now.

I rarely feel it anymore but I hate/d their guts, not PC but there it is. I have compassion for them on one hand but....so what. They made a choice as well.

I spoke to them once over the phone, about 20 years after I had left. I had a career, a nice normal life at the time. It was surreal, they were....so much the same and so immature.

I had fantasized about confronting them up until that point...but after speaking to them...I lost the urge. It was so clear it would be pointless, like reciting a poem to a chair and expecting tearful appreciation. What did hit me was my painful decision to walk away all of those years before was a blessing. I have no doubt I spared myself from countless painful moments and memories.

I found release by venting 110% to my therapist and later to support group folks that GET IT. Generally it is lost on others and certainly for abusers that have not done their own work.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Marvel545]

I did & still do.

I can really relate to your post. I've seen it a lot here.

I'm glad you're getting better with it. I think our brains protect us until we are ready to fully accept what's happened, acceptance is tough, but I believe it to be a huge part of the process.