Trust And Future Mother-in-law

[ashdawn8287]

Um so I get home today to a happy dog, but my stuff has been messed with.

My fiancees mom let our dog out all weekend. My trauma book is moved, my refrigerator notes are all scrambled as well as various drawers, my closet (where personal items are located), and honestly I'm so mad and he is defending her!

If she wants to know anything she can freaking ask. Is it that hard. Why be shady and snoop threw someones personal belongings? I have stuff that I know she tampered with that my fiancee respects enough to not even snoop in. Like journals since I was 12 years old.

I am super pissed. Like this does NOT build trust and I am suppose to help her with something on Thursday and frankly I am probably going to cancel.

I know she is a little snooping person because she has told me she has snipped threw her other daughter in laws stuff AND even told me what she found. I kinda got big eyed and nodded my head like okaaaay crazy.


Seriously, I am super pissed off. Next time we go somewhere as much as I don't like my mom I am having her care for the animals-she us to be a dog groomer and she doesn't snoop!

This just makes me want to distance myself more as this is not the first time she has done something ridiculous like this. Like I get she is his mom and I have to deal with her, but I allowed her with TRUST to come inside my house too and doing that just broke it.


Apparently she doesn't have the freaking guts to get to know me herself.

Advice?

 

[ashdawn8287]

This us suppose to be under discussion not suicide! I hit the wrong forum apparently on my phone. I am sorry.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@ashdawn8287 Next time you notice you made a mistake, report the post so staff can correct it.

 

[Barberian]

Advice? Tell her that you know she went through your stuff and it is totally unacceptable. When she starts to deny it, tell her to STFU, it's no use lying, and she is only causing more distrust and distance between you. If she is unable to treat you with respect, to stay out of your life and house. You have enough to deal with, you don't need someone gaslighting you every time you see her.

A bit harsh, but I tell it like it is. Either people like me or they don't. At least I know who I can trust, and who is my true friend(s). I don't have time or interest or the ability to not choke out fake friends.

 

[nomedic1]

Agree with barberian, you need to confront her and tell her she betrayed your trust and hasnt she heard of private things.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I can't even speak to her right now because I will loose it so I can't demand respect with disrespect. I told him I don't want to be around it anymore and I hope she's enjoying probably gossiping with the other daughter in law. Who knows but I am not helping her this week because its going to take some time getting over it.

I'd rather not talk to her or allow her in my house, she already broke my trust and more than once. So that's the last straw. She had some girl my age contact me on Facebook to befriend me and all the while this girl was going back and telling her everything. I am better off without it.

If I say anything the whole family will be mad at me because I won't be nice. I don't respect people like that and the common thing in this family is denial. Everyone is "perfect" and they never do anything wrong. This was the last straw. She can stay at a distance for all I care.

I really wish I could just have a conversation about this with her, adult to adult, but based on previous experience I don't think that's possible.

I like how you speak up. I am like that too but I think in this guess silence is louder than words. I was looking for someone to say that to me and I so appreciate it and under other circumstances I would, but you are right I am better off. I talked with my sister and she helped me decide to just stay away.

 

[Candleflames]

Ashdawn, Oh hell no! You future mother in-law is beyond out of line and needs to be put in her place. Your fiancee could also use a little primer on what it means to be in a relationship.

For the MIL: It's hard but you do need to talk to her. You need to tell her that you know she went snooping, that is not acceptable and all trust between you two is gone. She is not allowed anywhere in your home unsupervised. If she is going to act as a child she will be treated as such. That this is not how relationships are built and you will not play these games! If she protests, makes excuses or lies tell her that until she is ready to listen you will not participate then turn around and walk away. She needs to slather on the chapstick and pucker up cause it's going to be a long road to regaining any measure of trust.

How your fiancee is reacting is concerning. What will happen later when his mom wants to have a say in where you live or have children, if you choose to, or really any other major thing going on in your life. Would he be comfortable with her buying you intimate items? If not then he should be aghast at her going through the personal items you already have! He is choosing to be with you and therefore should be on your side, period. He also needs to step up and run interference between you and his mom for the time being. Feel free to show him this if he has an issue.

The reason I am so strongly opinionated about this here is because this exact issue almost destroyed my marriage. My MIL also went through every single thing in our new apartment, including my intimates drawer. She even had the audacity to make some crude jests about what she found. No one has the right to invade your space. Not even a spouse. Setting up firm boundaries now will make things go so much smoother in the future.

What this woman did was a violation of your being. It's no different than invading ones thoughts and dreams. How would either of them feel if you or another person had the ability to hear every thought that went through their head? It's disgusting!

 

[ashdawn8287]

Yeah I needed to hear that. I need to calm myself before I approach her.

It is VERY disturbing. Yeah she will not have any say on how I raise my children. I have taken parenting class already and although she owns her own daycare, the way she allowed her husband to treat my fiance is horrible. My children will not be exposed to that.

Yeah its bothersome how he is handling it, extremely bothersome. He said its between me and her. I already yelled his ear off. I made my case. He has huge issues with handling conflict and im exhausted. I just threw up in a parking lot. I hate being this upset.

I have lots of thinking to do.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm sorry you are feeling ill over this. I think I did as well. It was a long time ago.

My husband used to say the same thing. That it was between his mother and me. The truth is that it will never between just the two of you unless you have some connection to her other than you husband or your children when they do come. She also needs to know that there are consequences that you will both enforce. She has no respect for you but hopefully has some for her son. That's what makes it work. It's just like with raising kids. Both parents have to be on the same page or teaching and guiding them isn't going to work.

Take a break and get some cool water. Just sit a breath. Just because you do need to confront her doesn't mean you have to do it right now. Do it when you are ready and relatively calm. Completely calm is probably not going to happen. Still it can wait a few days. If you need to write it down so you don't miss any points, do that. When it's something this touchy the brain tends to go blank.

And for the record, if you do go off on her, no one would blame you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He won't stand up to her for you. This is sending her the message that to him, her behavior is acceptable. This sort of thing will replay over and over and over again until he can stand up to her.

What if you hired a dog sitter, who was previously unknown to the both of you. Would he still be ok with the fact that the dog sitter went through all of your things? Would he still be saying that it has nothing to do with him and that you have to handle it on your own? Oh hells no! A REAL man would step up to the plate to protect the woman he loves!

What about your (future) kids? It's easy to infer that if he won't stand up for you, he won't stand up for them. And as much as he should be standing up for you, the kids need it 1000 times more simply because they are kids and that's what parents do....protect their kids!

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you so much. I got home and took a bath and drank some cold water. My fiancées friend is here now which just boggles me that he can act like nothing has happened. I don't like that about this family. Sweeping everything under the rug just piles dirt and dust up and doesn't solve the problem. Oh well though right? I am the one feeling hurt so it is not like they care, it doesn't involve them.

I am in the bedroom and I cried a little bit just to get it all out. While I was crying he came in and I said, "A supportive partner doesn't just say it's between you and your mom when I am the one that is hurt, your mom is not, and even after this would I was never make her feel bad or mistrust." I said, "yeah my family situation is crazy and a lot of it is past stuff I haven't worked out, but with my family the lines of communication are open, things are handled-maybe not the best, but we know what is going on and we would never betray outsiders and that is the difference between my family and yours, not that mine is any better-each family has there issues, it's just you will never know how this feels because my family won't hurt you and I would never put you into a position where they would, it just won't happen."

I feel gipped or ripped off. I am not sure, but I don't like coming home from a spa mini vacation to stress and throwing up. It's not what I was expecting at all.

I think writing it down is a good idea honestly, I just think-if she is anything like her son, which she is, that I would never get past the denial thing and she would play the victim card or the Ashley just overdosed in April card or some kind of card that does not pertain to the situation at all, because distraction from conflict is way more important than handling it.

That is just my experience with it and from the outside looking in, and I plan to remain on the outside because I don't want to be around it anymore.

My fiancée was like, "Well do you want me to cut off contact?" I was like, "It's insulting you would think I am the type of person that would keep a mother and son away from each other, no of course that is not what I want, I want a partner that supports and defends me when my feelings are hurt instead of making me feel like it is all PTSD all the time, and I don't get taking seriously or even with respect with my feelings, and PTSD or not my feelings are normal giving the situation."

I went to my sisters house to cool down earlier, and I saw my niece and she always brightens my day. She is the highlight of my life so that brought me back down to earth for a little. Also, I actually called my mom crying too, which I never do, my mom isn't very good at listening, but I knew she would take up the chance to talk crap about his mom haha.

We didn't really talk crap I was just ranting and raving about how it is important for me to build trust at this point in my healing and it just keeps getting broken from all that family stuff.

Funny how when you don't handle your own mess it sucks everyone around you into it, and that is exactly what is happening here. I am pretty sure they all think I am a nut case because of my overdose-which was even blamed on Wellbutrin by my doctors. But what do I know I am just the crazy one. I don't feel I am given enough credit for what I have been through to who I have became. From my experience it seems like even non PTSD people couldn't do this stuff. If that makes sense, and I am using those terms loosely.

They hear a label and that is just all I am and no I don't hide from it because PTSD is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances and it is not my fault. My fiancée is different in some aspects but he downplays it says he doesn't treat me like a victim because he doesn't think I am, told him I am not a victim anymore, but I am a survivor and that needs to be taking seriously and handled differently than the "normal" person. I get he will never understand fully and I can't force someone to understand something they have never experienced, especially an emotional scar this big, but how hard is it to just be extra sensitive when you know the details of someone's past and it being the holiday weekend that my abuse took place? Like how hard is that really?

It would click for me. I would be like oh my gosh it is the anniversary of someone's trauma let me try and cheer them up or offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. He'd like to distract-not be involved in reality. Which I get people handle things different I really do, but I need more than what I am getting from this at the moment. I know I am suppose to be patient and let him prove this and that, but really with this? Does not help.

I am glad you and your husband got through that together, that makes me happy. I am sorry you had to deal with that nonsense too!

 

[Candleflames]

So I seriously just had to go and ask my husband if his brother was engaged! He's not, phew. My MIL is way off. Things got much worse before they got better. Our marriage still suffers some effects from the damage his family cause with their actions and his inability to stand of to them and for me.

what would your fiancee do if he had been present when she was going through your stuff? That's what he needs to do now. What he is doing now is as if he would have just sat back and let her have at it.

I like how Solara put it:

He won't stand up to her for you. This is sending her the message that to him, her behavior is acceptable. This sort of thing will replay over and over and over again until he can stand up to her.

And from my experience it will not only repeat but escalate.