Trust And Relationships

[Dvsurvior]

hey so I'm a new member here. I've told my story in the new member forum, I'm a dv, rape, home invasion survivor recently married to my best friend also pregnant lol. I've never had a good relationship until me and my now husband got together he's been my rock throughout my struggles and I love him and thank god for him. But of course all my issues make me not want to trust him even know he's never given me a reason not to. I knew him first as a friend so of course he was always open and honest with me even when I was with someone else he was my friend and the person I went to especially after the rape he lived in West coast and I was east coast so a relationship was not what was best for us at the time. He stayed single and me I was with a phychopath. My fear is that I'm going to lose this man because of my trust issues. My ex really damaged me between the cheating and abuse that I am so scared my husband will join the online dating and repeat what my ex did. I've never remember being this jealous but then again most of my last 10 years is a faint memory most of which I tried to block out. He's never had a Facebook or anything else (he did have a dating profile when we weren't together but never clicked with anyone and deleted it once we were together) this man moved across country to be with me he has deleted any email off his phone but even when he does that I think he's cheating or back online dating I'm just so traumatized by my past I don't know how to trust and I'm really hoping my hormones are making me "crazy" I'm not used to this and my last pregnancy was a loss so maybe that effects me more. Has anybody else experienced this before?? Am I really going crazy or is this normal?? I was in therapy before but right now we are in dr with my husbands family but hopefully will return home soon

 

[Silver.]

I think it's normal, to worry if our spouses are going to do the same things we have had to deal with in the past. I think a hard lesson for a lot of us to learn, is to not carry our past relationships into our current ones, because it can be detrimental to the relationship.
Pregnancy is definitely going to throw your hormones all over the place, and make feelings that you have, seem exasperated.
You guys were friends first (which I think is awesome by the way, and really the way to do it), so he must know some of the insecurities you have? Might it help for you to sit down with him, tell him of your insecurities, explain that they are probably heightened because of the hormones and such. Sometimes a few words of reassurance can help relay our fears.
I do advise you to get back in therapy when you are able and done helping his family, as being pregnant definitely plays with what we are already going through, and it would be good to have someone in that role in your life.
Congratulations again on the pregnancy, try and stay positive. x

edit: I wanted to add that in another one of your posts, you had written about pushing your husband away, threatening divorce, this is a very typical PTSD behaviour, that does not make you a bad person by any means, it makes you a human, who has been through a lot, and now has ptsd because of it *hugs*

 

[Chitoshi]

I agree with @Silver. , it's normal. I have worries about my own relationship sometimes based upon my own trauma and experiences. My revictimization led me to do things I would not have done if I thought I had any other choices under duress, so that fuels my insecurities. Different circumstance, but I still fear that he'll leave me sometimes, too.

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with Silver. The pregnancy is probably exacerbating things a lot -- the spike in hormone levels can make you really paranoid and intensify anxieties that are already there. You should be very conscious of that throughout the pregnancy, because the hormones can really play with your mind. They certainly did when I was pregnant. That said, it's also normal to be experiencing anxiety about whether or not your husband is going to be faithful when you're carrying his child. Even for non-PTSD people who've never been abused, that is a totally normal thing to experience during pregnancy, for obvious reasons. But try to compare what you're feeling, and your anxieties, with the objective evidence. If you have fears he's involved in online dating, ask yourself if there is really any concrete evidence to make you think that. Examine your own reasons for having these fears very carefully, and go through each and every paranoid thought you have and ask yourself if there is really any objective reason to think that. (and hey, if you want objective feedback, you can always post about this stuff on here). And then, if you find there is no objective evidence, remind yourself of how these fears are tied to your abusive ex. Map it all out in your head. I think you are totally right to be worried about losing your husband over trust issues, because trust really is the most important thing in any relationship, and it's especially important in times of stress and transition (i.e. during pregnancy, when you're expecting a child soon). But it's good that you are self-aware enough to be noticing these thoughts you have -- not everyone is able to do that.

 

[Dvsurvior]

I think it's normal, to worry if our spouses are going to do the same things we have had to deal with i...

Thank you for that yes he knows all my issues and we do talk a lot he knows all about the PTSD and the symptoms I try to get him to understand more and not think its all his fault that I'm just damaged. He's the type to want to fix me and would rather see me happy than him. I try my best to leave the past there but it's hard with flash backs and nightmares but I'm working on it. It tells me I'm a great woman and it makes me cry because I feel like a mess. He always talks about our future together and all that matters to him is me and our child. He's really the first good man I've been with in my life it's an adjustment for me I'm just so use to being hurt I just expect it now, it was definitely better being friends first because I know this person and how he is , he comes from a good family as well which I'm not use to either , his parents are still married and without any infidelities
Thanks for replying to me

 

[Justmehere]

You have been given a lot of "data" in life that people can't be trusted and even more, you will be hurt if you dare to trust.

It makes sense that it's going to take time and experience to trust new "data" and experiences to learn that this person is worth risking to trust.

If he is worth trusting, then ideally, you would both work on this together. Doing some couples counseling to figure out how to navigate this together may pay off a lot over the long haul. He could work on how to take it in stride when you struggle to trust and you could work on noticing every way he does show up to be safe and there for you, and slowly build up that bank of trust that was so brutally robbed in the past.

 

[Dvsurvior]

Thank you to everyone that replied I've actually no evidence that he's back to online dating but it makes me uneasy knowing both his brothers have the same dating app he had before and since they don't speak English at all he only talks in Spanish which makes me wonder. I tell him everything I feel my therapist told me it was unhealthy to hold everything in , so he hears it all , all my suspicions which makes him feel bad and then I feel like shit. Once going home he said we should do councling together as well as my trauma specialist not because we have problems but because we don't want it to get that bad and I don't want to have our child around any fighting and arguing. I do trust him more than I have anyone else besides my mother she will always be the person I gave all my trust to and she helps me through this issues as well. She explained to him a lot which helped me in the long run. A lot of facts show me he's a good person with a good heart, I'm a animal lover I always owned cats (which my mom currently has) cats have a good sense of people so I'd always "trust the cats" none of my exs would do well around them they would hide or wouldn't come near them ,with my husband the cats love him and tbh not a lot of men like cats so that's always made me feel better.
I'm sure it's just my hormones but thanks again for reassuring me