Trust Issues - Is This Part Of Ptsd?

[bluelicorice]

While this is not the official reason for my diagnosis of PTSD, I was orphaned at a young age and grew up in several foster care situations and children's homes. I don't recall there being any outright physical or sexual abuse, but there was always a sense of not belonging and not being special to anyone. Additionally, there were several instances where I became attached to caregivers only to be taken away from them, and put in a different home. This was very painful and as I got older I learned to not attach and not care.

I'm now 25 and received my PTSD diagnosis last year as the result of several traumatic experiences while I was a humanitarian aid worker overseas. I can see the origin of most of my symptoms as stemming from my foreign aid work. But I also have these extremely severe trust issues, and I'm wondering if these are either the result of PTSD, or the result of my foster care experiences, or a bit of both.

For instance, I am friends with a woman and her partner who are old enough to be my parents. I've actually known them for about 5 years; they knew me before I was overseas and we kept in touch quite regularly. Since I've been back home and with the diagnosis, they've been very understanding and helpful. They helped me find an apartment, they've gone to medical appointments with me, visited me in hospital, helped me find a good therapist, have gotten groceries for me, lent me money (which I have paid back), etc. In return I give them free tech support, because they are computer illiterate haha and I know quite a lot. I speak to them about once a week.

Yet, I am forever worried they are going to reject me at any moment, even though I'm not doing anything to deserve a rejection. They go on holidays quite often, and the last time, they had no wifi access, so I didn't hear from them for about 2 weeks. Even though intellectually I knew they were just busy, and I don't expect constant communication, emotionally I started thinking I had done something wrong and they hated me, and were going to stop being my friends. I also sometimes feel this way based on something inadvertently said, either by them or others. For instance, I was telling another person that I was grateful they were so kind to me, and that person replied, "Oh, they are kind to everyone". That statement made me doubt my relationship with them for about a week, almost to the point of depression.

I've told them how I feel, and they have reassured me that they aren't going anywhere. But I keep thinking I'm going to do something terribly wrong, and they will reject me, and it will my fault. And its not just them either; it happens with pretty much anyone and everyone I try to be friends with now. Its always in the back of my mind that its only a matter of time before everyone gets sick of me and leaves.

Sorry this got so long! I guess I'm just wondering if this a PTSD thing, and does anyone else relate to this? Its really painful, and no amount of reassurance (either from others or just reassuring myself) seems to help.

 

[Dee Morris]

I feel the same way but I'm not much help because my PTSD is complex due to childhood abuse. I trust no one and constantly feel like anyone I care about will be rejecting me at any moment. It does sound like it could stem from the foster care... I hear that's pretty common for children bounced around in the system.

 

[Lucycat]

@bluelicorice I have recently been lent a book to read. It is called 'Building the bonds of Attachment' by Daniel A Hughes. I have only started reading it, but it describes the story of a little girl who has numerous foster homes and the resulting Attachment Disorder - and PTSD from abuse by her birth parents. It is a fascinating read, and tells her story but also has a commentary describing what is happening to the child and the required therapy.

I was interested because I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD from sexual abuse and attachment disorder from maternal neglect. The two conditions are frequently closely linked, and with your past of foster care I think this is absolutely the cause of your lack of trust and fear of abandonment. It appears that you do not see it as a logical fear, and it perhaps it is not. However it is likely to be hardwired from your childhood and could improve with therapy if it is troubling you.

 

[bluelicorice]

Thank you both for your replies. Apparently this topic is a lot harder for me than I thought, because after writing I couldn't bring myself to come back here yesterday to read anything! In any event, thanks for confirming about foster care likely being the cause of the issue. @Lucycat, thanks for mentioning that book; it sounds interesting. I might look for it. And as far as the fear of abandonment not being logical, well; I try to tell myself that anyhow. There have to be at least some good people in the world, right? But my natural inclination is to think that the world (and people) are not safe or to be trusted. Other people seem to be able to trust though, so I would like to get to that point. I will speak to my therapist about this too. Thanks again.

 

[Al_Lurker]

I wish you well in your quest. There are people in the world that are trustworthy and there are those that aren't, the key is to be able to tell the difference for any of us sufferer or supporter. There is another book you may wish to look into "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I'm not s sufferer but I found it helpful in my attempt to be supporter.

 

[bluelicorice]

@Al_Lurker, thanks for the wishes and the book recommendation. I'll definitely look for this one too. I appreciate all the suggestions I can get!

 

[CRPS]

Thanks for posting and I can relate to the thoughts and feelings you posted about. I don't trust anyone and that includes myself when I'm headed down a self destructive path. I just don't think or feel that I deserve to be happy based on sexual and physical childhood abuse from the distant past.