Trust With Your Therapist - Or Not?

[Jen93]

I'm going to see my T for the first time in nearly a year in a week. I'm anxious as hell. She is NOT good. She kept pushing me when I first found out about the trauma, trying to find out more, but I didn't find more- I couldn't find more. She ALWAYS answers her phone in sessions>> Once there was someone who called wanting to kill themselves>.> It triggered me awfully. She is rude, and told me that "I'd have a lot more problems if I didn't keep coming back." My psychiatrist is NOT setting me up with a different therapist, and I'm just sick of it. I'm trying to figure out what I should do, I don't trust her, and from my first year and three months with her, I didn't open up because I was UNABLE: Now I don't want to because she is RUDE and I am UNWILLING. I'm not sure what I should do. I have a feeling I should tell my parents, and my psychiatrist. Is it okay to be treated like this by a trauma therapist?

 

[milbert]

Trust is earned. Paying someone to help you doesn't make it easy to instantly trust them. I think therapy is only a waste of time if a person isn't willing to push their limits, do work between sessions and make an effort to trust their therapist. I trust mine well enough to go into detail on some traumas, and give general details about others. Depending on whether she can help me through the more straightforward ones, I'll decide how much information to give on bigger traumas as the time comes up. If things go horribly wrong along the way or she seems overwhelmed, I'll think about whether another therapist might be able to help me. I don't think trust is all or nothing, or that it is at a set level for an individual.

Jen93: Sorry to hear about the problems you are having. It sounds like it could be useful to talk to your parents or psychiatrist since I don't think what you are describing is a normal way for a therapist to treat patients.

 

[Srain]

One person's pushing of limits is another person's breaking point and triggering. I think it's all about the person and the therapist who is treating. I don't think it's possible to make a blanket statement about a Client with PTSD and a Trauma Therapist. Not all TTs are equal and not Survivors are in the same place once they come to therapy.

I am willing to give my therapist information but quite honestly there are times as I drive away I realize things pop into my head that I have NEVER thought to tell any of the umpteen tdocs I've seen in my life! Belief me, each and every time I've paid myself to see them to get to the bottom of my issues. So willingness has never been my problem. Diagnosis has.

Jen93: I might think seriously about letting someone else know how you feel about your therapist, I might choose someone you trust, an adult and tell them why you don't want to see her. If you feel as though your psychiatrist will listen then I would certainly tell him/her and request a different therapist, you are allowed to do so. Not every one is going to be a "fit" for whatever reason.

 

[bluebeam]

My t likes to talk just a little each session about our relationship and how I am feeling about it. Like T will ask if i feel safe and comfortable in our space together. Its not a big issue if some days i answer that i feel nervous about session that day. T will reasure me that t really cares and is ready to listen if I choose to pick a hard topic of discussion.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's nice to even be 'asked' how you feel- I think most of us take it for granted that somewhere we're not entitled to have an 'opinion' of that.

 

[MyStarryNight]

My t does similar things bluedream. Occassionally, he'll ask how he's doing, if I feel comfortable talking to him, or if he's said anything ever that's stressed me etc... It's really nice to know that I can say how I feel and he's not going to freak out by my emotions or the fact that I am stressed sometimes. It's nice to know that what i think and feel matters. And beause of that I am slowly being able to talk to my t about stuff. I think that in order to share things wiht our t's we have to build trust and that process takes time. I think it's okay not have told your t everything YET. Some things shouldn't be told until the counseling relationships and trust level builds and gets stronger. But it's important to be working towards that end.

 

[maddog]

There is something about those direct conversations about our relationship that is intolerably distressing/embarrassing/awkward/uncomfortable for me. It's a bit of a theme with me generally, discussing the nature of my relationships with the person involved is often very triggering and distressing, and sadly this is still one of very few things I find it almost impossible to directly discuss with T.

Naturally he is much more comfortable and frank about such things than I am and is sometimes able to neutralise my own panic just a little, but in truth we probably don't have as many of these discussions as we should. By that I mean that there are times, like now, when I really struggle horrifically with my feelings about our relationship, ie, am I overly dependent/doing anything wrong etc, and these are issues we probably need to talk about, both for the sake of our own relationship and as a means of discussing difficult issues of interpersonal relationships generally.

But so far I haven't really found the courage. I don't know why it's so upsetting for me, I think it's tied to a terrible fear of abandonment and rejection, as though if I draw attention to the issue of our relationship, it will give him an opportunity to reject or condemn me in some way.

All very silly, but somehow intolerable to try to conquer right now.

Maddog

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel that way, as to being a burden, and it covers a pretty wide scope.

 

[llv88]

I'm new here and I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this... I'm at a point in my work with my therapist where he's wanting me to trust him, and pointing out that for years I've been going to him and it's been a safe place.

I don't give people trust easy (as I'm sure is the case with alot of ptsd people). This whole time I thought I had given him the trust he's earned, but to have him ask for it makes it real, and gives me so much anxiety. I'm used to people breaking my trust but if he were to do it I'd feel so betrayed and permanently done with reaching out for help.

Is it possible to take that relationship to a new level and not have it break me? It's like letting him into my secret safe place where nobody goes. I can see how incredibly beneficial it would be for him to get into this place, but I always go to the damage that could be done.

Maybe some feedback from those of you who have experienced positive things by doing this will help.

Thank you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I have what my therapists call 'extremely resistant trust issues' which still interfere with making progress in therapy, in friendships, and in my ability to feel safe in my life.

My Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) therapist told me that although he would try not to trip any triggers, my abuse history would make that impossible to not trip something off sometimes, and to please tell him right away. It took me a long time to be able to respond. Also, he told me I'd have to push against my trust boundaries, and that has certainly been an ongoing challenge but every time I've managed to extend trust in therapy, I'm able to deepen my connection with other people I care about as well.

My trauma therapist explained to me that trust is a product of consistent performance over time. When I was hurt repeatedly in my childhood, I did learn not to extend trust because the people around me were not worthy of my trust.

Since I didn't know what a trusting relationship felt like, how could I expect myself to know how to allow myself to trust?

Even after a year in therapy with my CBT therapist, when I thought I was allowing him in, it turned out I was still shutting him out and not allowing his input "in" to my psyche. He finally planted a "I can help you!" as I was headed out the door. I ran out the door, but by my next appointment, something inside of me gave him a chance. I'm so happy it did.

Once I decided that my therapist's behaviors and responses over time were consistent and that I was reasonably sure their intentions were good, I began using cognitive challenges, affirmations, and pre-loading cognitions prior to and after my therapy sessions.

• "My therapist is trying to help me and I'm going to allow him/her/them to do so."
  
  
• "I am in control of my relationship with my therapist and I can choose to leave any time I need to. I am not helpless or trapped, so if something does go wrong, I have the skills to deal with it."
  
  
• "My therapist cares about helping me get better."
  
  
• "My therapist is just a human being like me. She's not a mind-reader or super-human. I can allow her to make mistakes just as she allows me to have awkward or distressing responses."
  
  
• "Before I assume anything about that comment/response/question, I'm going to ask for more detail about what she was intending."
  
  
• "I'm not going to allow my brain to waste energy wondering what that was about. I'll just wait until my next appointment and ask."
  

After appointments, the reassurances helped my psyche really pay attention to the positive by using affirmations.

• "That was painful but s/he kept me with a foot in the present. I didn't feel abandoned. I felt and was safe. S/he is very different than my abusers."
  
  
• "What a special person s/he is to work with people like me every day."
  
  
• "I trust him/her."
  
  
• "I am an adult now and I am safe. I am healing, and this person is helping me."
  
• "I'm glad s/he helped me face that. It'll be such a relief to not re-experience that situation any more in my presence."

It's a process and it's still an ongoing challenge for me. But trust is the basic building block upon which all the good stuff is possible in relationships. By reminding myself that my trust issues always tend to be on the side of being overly cautious, I can give myself a gut check and remind myself that I'm not broken. Just cautious, with good reason.

As I've extended trust and compassion for myself and others, I realized just how many good people I shut out from my life due to my trust issues. I've recovered some of those relationships, and I've had to grieve for all the lost opportunities.

I don't want my trust issues to cause me to lose out any more in life than I already have. I am still and always will be cautious, and honor my gut instincts if they are strongly adverse to any particular person or situation. Most of the time, it's just a tendency to remain aloof and I have some people skills now which can help me overcome that as I want to.

Hang in there. It's not only possible to heal trust issues so they are significantly better, it's very rewarding to do so without any loss of safety or self-worth. Discernment of those who deserve our trust goes a long way to making a more peaceful, less chaotic life for me.

 

[llv88]

@BloomInWinter that helps me a lot. Thank you. My T is very aware and points out when and what probably triggered me if he sees I'm especially distressed. He's also aware of the "window of tolerance" as he puts it, and eases up if he pushes me beyond it as I just dissociate anyway. And he always makes sure I'm in a better place before I leave. Like I said, I think I've trusted him all along to a degree, but it's another thing to consciously say it aloud and practice it. Thank you again, and I especially appreciate the examples of affirmations you mentioned. I will try this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, Dear @BloomInWinter , that's a remarkable post, which I must return to. Thank you! :hug: ((((((((Sweet Sweet Bloom)))))