Yesterday I had a shitty session with my therapist... she had her back to me almost the whole time, didn't listen to me, didn't let me talk about something REALLY important I needed to talk about, I was told I was wrong over a dozen times (in the process of discussing my thoughts/feelings nonetheless, well what little I got to discuss of them that is), we were doing something really confusing that I didn't understand and she wouldn't explain, so that made me feel like an idiot, since I couldn't understand it... it was basically a diagram thing of some sort, with thoughts, feelings, and some other stuff. I'd explain it better, if I knew what any of it was. Even when she was writing stuff on there, when I went to pick what colors we should use, I was told I was wrong. It didn't seem to matter- I could pick up a blue pen and write my name in blue, or I could pick up a black pen and write it in black, but the letters would still be the same, the meaning would still be the same- and all she was doing was using one color to represent thoughts, another for feelings, etc... instead of telling someone they're WRONG, you'd think she'd at least use it as an opportunity to see why I'd pick the colors I wanted to. So we used her colors and I let it go, it wasn't that big a deal. What really sucked was being told I was wrong when discussing my feelings. And she used the word "should" a few times in a way that made me feel horrible. I usually get along with this therapist, I don't know if she was just having a bad day or what.
Then I checked an email account I have that I rarely check. I had an email from my mom who I haven't spoken with in over a year because having contact with my family puts me in serious danger (due to my dad's abuse, and the family supporting it), and my mom's email said how she hated me, how I had ruined her life, etc. I should mention at this point that the past few weeks have already been difficult. My dad showed up at my school to try to find me, thank god school administration called the cops before he was able to, but then hearing about it after, and hearing about how he was a jerk even to the cops, was really re-traumatizing for me (and my therapist knows about this, but she still hasn't allowed me to talk about it in session!). I have an eating disorder, largely a result of a lot of trauma I went through as a kid/adolescent... the eating disorder has been getting worse, and is starting to get out of control, but my options for treatment for it are severely limited.
Then today my therapist finally returns all the calls and emails I left for her. I wasn't safe when I left her office. 5 minutes before I left, she brought up REALLY traumatic and triggering stuff. It was stuff she KNEW was traumatic and triggering. Not just about the abuse my dad did to me, but also about having to see people get shot and watch them die and not be able to do anything about it, but feeling like I should have been able to. When you're already struggling, that's not something you want brought up 5 ****ing minutes before the end of the ****ing session. I tried changing the topic, but she wasn't listening at all yesterday. And she was really rude when I told her I didn't feel comfortable leaving with what had just been brought up... she didn't have any clients immediately after me, so it's not like that was a huge deal or anything, it felt like she could have at least spent 5 minutes with me to come up with a plan to keep me safe. And I've been telling her how I'm worried about the 4th of July and not doing well with the fireworks, since those are a trigger. And she just ignores it regardless of how many times I request to talk about it. In some ways, seeing her just stresses me out more and I wonder why I keep going back. I've been going twice a week lately, and it's been causing even more stress because between the therapist and the doctor (who I also see twice a week with the eating disorder being as bad as it is right now) I'm spending about $300 a week on treatment. It's horrible, sometimes I lay in bed at night, and think to myself "$300 is a LOT of money for one week... am I really worth that?" I still haven't figured out if I'm worth it or not.
i don't really want to change therapists, cuz up til lately I've been getting on fairly well with this one... plus I've been through a few, and others seem to think it's my fault if it doesn't work out with one. But then today when the therapist called, she was like "well, if you just ate, then none of that would have upset you". Yeah, if I ate, I wouldn't have an eating disorder either if it were as easy as "just eat" like she said. And with the trauma stuff (which she supposedly specializes in) she's made similar concepts of "well, just ignore it or don't think about it if it's upsetting you right now"... I can't even function in a job right now because of how severe the flashbacks have gotten.
And maybe she's right- maybe I have no reason to be upset by any of this... or anything else that has happened in my life for that matter.
And then I was supposed to hang out with an instructor from school, who is really maternal, who I really look up to, who has played a big role in my life since I met her. She was the one who contacted me yesterday to see if I wanted to meet up. I didn't feel up to it, but agreed, and worked really hard on it, and was able to get myself to actually look forward to hanging out with her today. That was my mistake: I should have learned by now to NEVER get my hopes up about anything. You'd think I'd learn, but I don't. And then she sends me an email... doesn't even call, just sends this email... saying she's not gonna come today since she's decided she'd rather hang out with someone else instead... she could have at least called, or at least not told me she "wanted to hang out with someone else instead"... maybe it wouldn't hurt as much then... but it hurts a lot, I feel really rejected.
I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong, to cause myself to feel so rejected and repeatedly re-traumatized by events or people in my life.
Then I checked an email account I have that I rarely check. I had an email from my mom who I haven't spoken with in over a year because having contact with my family puts me in serious danger (due to my dad's abuse, and the family supporting it), and my mom's email said how she hated me, how I had ruined her life, etc. I should mention at this point that the past few weeks have already been difficult. My dad showed up at my school to try to find me, thank god school administration called the cops before he was able to, but then hearing about it after, and hearing about how he was a jerk even to the cops, was really re-traumatizing for me (and my therapist knows about this, but she still hasn't allowed me to talk about it in session!). I have an eating disorder, largely a result of a lot of trauma I went through as a kid/adolescent... the eating disorder has been getting worse, and is starting to get out of control, but my options for treatment for it are severely limited.
Then today my therapist finally returns all the calls and emails I left for her. I wasn't safe when I left her office. 5 minutes before I left, she brought up REALLY traumatic and triggering stuff. It was stuff she KNEW was traumatic and triggering. Not just about the abuse my dad did to me, but also about having to see people get shot and watch them die and not be able to do anything about it, but feeling like I should have been able to. When you're already struggling, that's not something you want brought up 5 ****ing minutes before the end of the ****ing session. I tried changing the topic, but she wasn't listening at all yesterday. And she was really rude when I told her I didn't feel comfortable leaving with what had just been brought up... she didn't have any clients immediately after me, so it's not like that was a huge deal or anything, it felt like she could have at least spent 5 minutes with me to come up with a plan to keep me safe. And I've been telling her how I'm worried about the 4th of July and not doing well with the fireworks, since those are a trigger. And she just ignores it regardless of how many times I request to talk about it. In some ways, seeing her just stresses me out more and I wonder why I keep going back. I've been going twice a week lately, and it's been causing even more stress because between the therapist and the doctor (who I also see twice a week with the eating disorder being as bad as it is right now) I'm spending about $300 a week on treatment. It's horrible, sometimes I lay in bed at night, and think to myself "$300 is a LOT of money for one week... am I really worth that?" I still haven't figured out if I'm worth it or not.
i don't really want to change therapists, cuz up til lately I've been getting on fairly well with this one... plus I've been through a few, and others seem to think it's my fault if it doesn't work out with one. But then today when the therapist called, she was like "well, if you just ate, then none of that would have upset you". Yeah, if I ate, I wouldn't have an eating disorder either if it were as easy as "just eat" like she said. And with the trauma stuff (which she supposedly specializes in) she's made similar concepts of "well, just ignore it or don't think about it if it's upsetting you right now"... I can't even function in a job right now because of how severe the flashbacks have gotten.
And maybe she's right- maybe I have no reason to be upset by any of this... or anything else that has happened in my life for that matter.
And then I was supposed to hang out with an instructor from school, who is really maternal, who I really look up to, who has played a big role in my life since I met her. She was the one who contacted me yesterday to see if I wanted to meet up. I didn't feel up to it, but agreed, and worked really hard on it, and was able to get myself to actually look forward to hanging out with her today. That was my mistake: I should have learned by now to NEVER get my hopes up about anything. You'd think I'd learn, but I don't. And then she sends me an email... doesn't even call, just sends this email... saying she's not gonna come today since she's decided she'd rather hang out with someone else instead... she could have at least called, or at least not told me she "wanted to hang out with someone else instead"... maybe it wouldn't hurt as much then... but it hurts a lot, I feel really rejected.
I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong, to cause myself to feel so rejected and repeatedly re-traumatized by events or people in my life.
