Trying To Find A Meaning Of This Roller Coaster

[heatherfeather]

I found this thread by accident, while googling PTSD. Currently my boyfriend and I are on another break.
We have gone down this road twice before. He served 9 years in the Army and I believe 3 tours in war (2 forsure). He is also a former Drill Sgt. He has gone through two divorces and has full custody of his son, who is 3 from a former GF who just up and left both of them.
I can hear all the thoughts, red flag, red flag but please read on.

At first I thought he just had trust issues from women in his life leaving him however I started looking more into the PTSD. He has been diagnosed with it but he claims it isn't severe. I believed him because he doesn't have nightmares but he drinks too much.
He has talked to me before about seeing some buddies being blown up when they were on a convo and there is even a video of him being interviewed after it happened on DVIDS.

I also feel like we are on a emotional rollar coaster. We are happy and content when we are together, kisses and love you's etc. However as soon as we get close again in our relationship he pulls away and says he doesn't want to hurt me, not sure if he loves me even though he says it. He gets distant, I start to think there is someone else etc. I ask questions to get more insight, and I myself get a little insecure about who I am and where we stand. Which I think puts more stress on him. I keep telling him that I am here for him and I won't leave...however I don't know if I should stay or if he truly doesn't want me in his life. Is it the PTSD? I have told him that I need him to communicate with me on things.

Recently he told me that he is so emotionally numb and he has all these walls up around him. He also said he only truely feels love for his son. After a long texting type conversation, I didn't hear from him for a few hours then I get a random text that said .."what is wrong with me?" Just reading this broke my heart because I really want to help him.

We have already gone to the VA in WI for other symptoms like headaches etc he is experiencing. However I need him to go back and talk to someone more about PTSD.

I love this man and his son more then anything. When I first met him and his son, I knew they were my future.His son also loves me, he calls me Feather and I believe it is totally confusing the heck out of him with me coming in and out of his life. I know he thinks I am more committed to him and his son then he is to me. I believe it is from the PTSD and the trama of having all these women (even his mom) leave him.

Right now we are on a no contact and I haven't heard from him in 3 days now. I am doing my own thing but when he contacts me again, I have to tell him we need to get help. Is this the right thing? I honestly feel so silently rejected if that makes sense.

I want to understand even if it is over for closure, that I didnt do anything wrong but love him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi I wish you the best. I think it is a good idea to ask that you both get help

 

[heatherfeather]

Gizmo, I figured if we have broken up and gotten back together...we might as well fight to keep the relationship or am I wrong on this?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not think you are wrong. I believe a real relationship is worth fighting for. You sound like you are doing everything you can. I hope things work out for you. I really do. Real love is always worth fighting for. Ptsd is a liar that says everyone would be better off without the person. I struggled with this one myself. I hated myself and what it was doing to my family, I couldn't snap out of it, it was the worst years of my life.

I do not feel this way anymore. Now I know my family loves and needs me. But I had to really work on myself. I still work on myself. Hang in there, hopefully it will get better for you

 

[heatherfeather]

I just sent the boyfriend/ex whatever a text telling him I read up on combat PTSD and it is our relationship. That I understand more of it but I will never understand what he actually went through. I am here for him to hold his hand even when he pushes me away. No response yet....maybe I wont ever get one. Do I stay or do I go and leave?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

heatherfeather I cannot tell you what to do. You have to follow your heart. Has he told you it is all over between the 2 of you? Or has he just asked for space? I do not understand why ptsd pushes people away but it does. I did this to my own husband. It is a insidious disorder of the mind body and soul and spirit. It is a thief, and a liar and it really tears a family apart in so many ways.

I know you really love him and this is breaking your heart. Unless he gets help and starts to work on his own issues, he isn't much good to anyone. If he is not getting help then he will have to hit a bottom that will drive him to seek help. And who knows how long it will be until he hits bottom.

If he has just asked for a time out and is working on himself then by all means do whatever is in your power to love and support this man. But I hate to see this happen, if he is cutting you off and sending you away. I wish it was'nt this way for you now with everything being up in the air. If it is all over, it is all over. There is a supporter forum to go here on this site where supporters help each other out, and I would say go to them, someone better than me would be able to assist you. I was diagnosed in1985 and went through the worst of it back then. I have had alot of healing, and I remember how awful those years were. I wish I could go back and be there for my husband, he went through so much with me. We are good now.

But we have been together for 36 years. I do not know if this is helping you or hurting you. Please take what you like or toss it. Take care and be well. Take good care of you. My heart goes out to you. This is a real difficult time you are going through and it must be tearing you apart. You have to take care of you the best you can. Good luck in what you decide. Hugs.

 

[Anna]

Check out the supporters section Heather :)

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/#supporters.37[/DLMURL]

It will help you loads. There are many people like yourself in the same situation, but they mainly post there.

Take care

 

[celia]

Hi Heather, I'm in the same situation as you.

On a break, together 3 weeks, I love you , I need you, you are the best woman I ever met, to, I need space, I don't think this is a healthy relationship, you aren't good for me, to, I love you, stick with me....etc

I've been with someone for a year and a half and I believe he has combat PTSD although he says he doesn't. His pattern is so clear to me. Its like I am looking at PTSD right in the face. Yes, it does make us supporters feel that we are doing something wrong, abandoned, not attractive, not a good woman etc.

I'm a single mom, and I have a boyfriend who has served in Iraq , Afghanistan for 10 years. 10 years! I have no idea what is going on in his mind or what he's been through because he doesn't talk about it. He only expresses love and anger and its usually directed at me.

He is a wonderful man, I admire him, I adore him and I love him like crazy. I don't want to be without him, but at the same time, he needs to realize that its not weak nor does it make him less of a person to admit that he has been through tremendous trauma and ask for help. I believe that if I stick through with him, he will have to get the help he needs.

When we are affectionate and loving I have learned to cherish those moments and when I feel the volcano about to erupt (about a day before) I feel I have to run for emotional cover. I want to be able to deal with my reactions too because I used to get so angry for things he says and fight back. Now I just want to say, this isn't him...its the other thing.

I wish for your strength and always know you are a very rare woman to see through this illness and also that you care for his son. Its like a huge gift staring him in the face and he can't see it.

Stay strong!