Trying To Get Free

[Tigger123]

Apologies if my story is a trigger for anyone else - I've been sitting here with fingers hovering over the keyboard trying to work out how to start this but (as ever) being very conscious of possible impact on others (one of my life rules).

Deep breath - on March 24 2012, I was on my way to the Golf Club. I was Lady Captain that year and excited that it was the first competition of the year and we would finally have use of a "proper" toilet on the golf course! I had made the arrangements and it had been delivered the day before - I had spent the afternoon cleaning it and making it welcoming ready for the ladies to use it. My car was still full of cleaning materials, toolkits, paper towels and stuff. I had already bought a prize for the winner of the competition but as I drove I was thinking it seemed a little "mean" and maybe I should get something else, so I stopped at a petrol station and bought an Easter Egg (this is where the what ifs creep in...if I hadn't stopped..?). It was foggy and misty that morning and I had left my house early to make sure I had plenty of time. I had all the right lights on and was taking my time, singing along under my breath to the radio. I turned off at the roundabout, knowing that I was turning right up ahead but the visibility was really poor so I slowed down, not wanting to overshoot the turn. A white van suddenly appeared coming towards me from the opposite direction round the sharp bend ahead - he was going so fast, his van leaned right over as he went past me - I was a little startled and even said out loud, wow you're going a little swift there matey; he was immediately followed by a blue car.

The blue car was pointing right at mine; going so fast; I saw his rear wheel lift; then he swerved, pointing away from me and I breathed out, then he swerved back again and just kept coming; so fast but at the same time, so slow - it was genuinely all going in slow motion - I always thought that was just something they did for dramatic effect in movies. He disappeared under the bonnet of my car - the noise was deafening; everything went white; I was thrown around like a rag doll, my arms flying everywhere..........then everything stopped. Gotta pause for a sec; I'll be back

 

[Tigger123]

Everything stopped but the car was full of white smoke - the car's on fire, get out, get out, get out, seatbealt won't come open, bash it,t get out get out get out, it comes undone, I'm tangled, push it off, open the door oh god the door won't open, it won't open, I turn , I kick it and kick it and kick it it opens a few inches I squeeze out I'm on the bridge next to the road the car's blocking he way to the road I go round the back of the car, I still can't work out how my car is there on the bridge - I see the other car; it's mangled, the driver is moaning but looking at me; he's struggling in his seat; there's no fire, there's no fire, the car's not on fire; everything hurts, my head, ,my chest, my arms, my legs, my face but I can't see any blood, why does everything hurt if I can't see anything wrong; need help, I go to the back door of my car, I open it, there's my bag, I take it out, I find my phone I dial 999.

I'm trying to talk calmly; it's so quiet; I give the location and what's happened, the lady on the phone is being lovely; I ring my husband - he's supposed to be picking up a friend and giving him a lift to the golf club - I tell him I've had a bit of a bang in the car - don't come rushing over, go pick up Malcolm and by the time you get here, it should all be sorted; more cars pull up, people get out they are staring at me; I just want to get away; why did he hit me? people are talking to the other driver; a guy from the golf club arrives, I know he's a part-time fireman; he organises the cars, the bystanders; ambulance arrives; fire engines arrive; police cars arrive - I feel so calm. It's like I'm not there. I sit down behind my car my chest hurts so much; the paramedic comes to me - are you the other driver? Yes, I'm ok so go see to him - I point to the other car. Time passes; I don't know how long; fireman asks if I'm cold; yes it's ok, I've got a coat; I go back into my car and get my coat and sit back down; the fireman tells another one to bring me something to sit on - no; it's ok, I've got something; I go back in my car and bring out a rug and I sit back down on that. They're looking at me funny. The paramedic comes back - I have to tell you, the other driver he reeks of booze. It's 0830 in the morning...how can that be?

A fireman comes over - I don't know if I should tell you but he's got an open can of beer in the car with him. How? why? They have to cut him out of the car - I feel numb - I wasn't angry at that moment - still numb; just wanted to go to the golf club and get a cup of tea. My husband arrives - he looks stunned at all the fire engines and police - that's when I burst into tears. A doctor arrives - insists I go to the hospital, I don't want to go but he talks fast and urgent to my husband - they persuade me to go. They do an ECG - I've told them three times I take beta-blockers; the doctor's puzzled by the ECG then I tell him about the betablockers. Oh ok - you can go. I'm given codeine for pain. I can't get out of there fast enough - my husband gets me to drive - where do you want to go? I want to go the golf club. We get there but I don't remember driving but I must have done cos I got out of the driver's side. It's now 2.30pm. The ladies who were playing golf have finished and are coming off the course - they see me by the clubhouse - a couple burst into tears. Thank god you're ok - we saw the cars and knew it was yours.

 

[Speak]

Hi, how are you? I wanna say that, first: I wasn't triggered by any of what you said; and I think that it's great that you're careful of how you impact others. There aren't a lot of people like that anymore. Your story did, however move me. I want to address you not feeling anything and tell you that it's completely normal not to feel anything in a moment of sheer terror like that. It's called dissociating. Please, don't beat yourself up over it. I'm happy you weren't injured too badly, and I hope the same for the other driver, even though he was drinking and driving. I'm sure this was a very traumatic experience, and you're very strong for posting this. Do you have a therapist? I think that might do you a lot of good. Hope everything works out.

 

[Tigger123]

Thank you for asking - yes, I have a T and have had 24 sessions of CBT - meds are helping too. The injuries weren't visible but the chest pain was horrendous for a couple of months (they told me I had either fractured ribs or sternum but because my breathing wasn't affected, they wouldn't do an x-ray). It still hurts if I get cold even now.

The next day was dreadful - spent all day throwing up and there wasn't anything that didn't hurt. I collapsed three weeks later with suspected CVA but it turns out it was cervical vertigo. Finally had MRI end of last year that identified problem with C5/6 vertebra and disk is bulging. I was so relieved by the MRI; I had begun to think the pain in my neck was "all in my head". I'm going in for trigger point injections next week in an effort to relieve the pain. Much like the PTSD, my injuries are invisible and that makes it tough for those who love me to appreciate what's wrong.

The warmth of your comment above is lovely and much appreciated. The other driver came off far worse than me. His leg was broken and had to be pinned and he had fractured vertebrae and ribs. He was three times over the drink-drive limit. However, he had only got his license back three months before he hit me (for a previous drink-driving offence). He was fined £260 and banned for another three years. Deep breath - the magistrate leaned over and said to him "You are the biggest victim of your own actions". I was utterly stunned and disgusted and of course, angry. I ran out in tears. I wrote a letter to the Chief of Magistrates and received a written apology but it still burns me. Anger has been boiling ever since the accident and talking it over with my T, I know now that my father being an alcoholic has a part to play in my reaction to it all. <sigh>

Hope you are doing ok - thank you for taking the time to read my story and comment. Warmest wishes