Trying To Get My Head Around My Own Denial

[macca]

I am currently experiencing full-blown PTSD, which is mind-blowing for me. I've had flashbacks my whole life but as a child, didn't know what they were. As an adult either, but then finding out about PTSD as I got older, I didn't equate flashbacks with what I was having (even though there is a visual component). I'm 43, and have been telling myself that I'm fine, even though I've had many traumatic things happen, and the worst one I'm suspecting at only 3 years old, which I won't go into now. My husband (I got married at 18yrs and have been with him since I was 16) says I have never been "fine". If I were on the other side of it, I would agree, no way have I been fine. But inside my own head, nothing had affected me, supposedly.

Now, my symptoms are outright undeniable, yet I am a wreck if I acknowledge anything. I do better when I convince myself that I'm ok, that nothing really happened. But when I give in to my deep-down inside feeling, I know something did (the worst one, at about 3), and I fall apart. The other stuff just kind of got layered over the top. I keep going between the two. Other than my husband, I've never really let anyone in, and have had very few friends over the years - I think I have unconsciously kept people at bay.

I will ask my therapist next week, but in the meantime, is this a really common thing? I've been lurking around the website, and starting to see myself in some of your posts...

 

[digger]

is this a really common thing

Yes, I think so. I think it probably comes down to self preservation. I'm not sure, I need to collect my thoughts on it a bit more first, but just wanted to say that you're certainly not alone in it.

 

[JustBe]

Welcome Macca. I felt the same way (still do sometimes). You have come to the right place!:)

 

[Abstract]

You explain my experience so well it is a little eerie.

Over the last few years I have been attempting to literally drag myself out of denial by my bootstrings, with mixed results. There is a war raging in my head pretty much the whole day, every day.

In the last year and half there has been a new development. When the "I am fine" stuff takes over entirely then there is a backlash and it seems part of my brain will do all it can to prove I am not. Being in my head is a lovely place to be. :p

I am beginning to suspect that those of us with very entrenched and long time denial find it a little bit of a battle getting out. It never ceases to astonish me how I can believe two things simultaneously. Me who has always valued rational thought.

Try to congratulate yourself for getting this far. You couldn't have this conversation if you were still totally in denial.

 

[crazy8]

I am a wreck if I acknowledge anything. I do better when I convince myself that I'm ok, that nothing really happened.

^Sounds just like me. Yesterday, I started thinking deeply about the things that happened and how I felt when they happened and I threw up. I have actively suppressed all the memories for years, but eventually they come out uncontrollably in flashbacks...The power of our subconscious mind/body connection is truly remarkable.

 

[Abstract]

I do better when I convince myself that I'm ok, that nothing really happened.

Actually, I was going to comment on this directly. I used to too but now it seems I have passed a point of no return and other repercussions happen if I do the above.

For many people denial seems to lift quick well once they start facing things. I hope that is the case for you.

 

[macca]

Thanks everyone. My diagnosis of PTSD has arisen from not being able to deny a full-on flashback, and that flashback opened the floodgates. That was a few weeks ago, and it was totally messed up. I also could not deny all the additional flashbacks, memories, nightmares, hyperarousal, fear etc that came straight after. I finally sought a therapist, which my husband had been begging me to for years, and which I couldn't bring myself to do before, because of the "I'm fine" thing. I think keeping exceptionally busy has been a way to deny it all too. But now all that is settling down a little bit, and as long as I'm not thinking about anything, I find myself thinking I'm fine again. I know that come Tuesday, when I see my therapist, I'm gonna be messed up again. It makes me not want to go, but I will, I know I need to.

I haven't worked out how to quote yet, but some of the things you guys have said in reply sum it up exactly. It's such a relief to be understood! Especially when I'm having such a hard time understanding myself. Thank you.

 

[Tinyflame]

The upside is that things finally make a lot more sense, and I no longer entirely resort to thinking I'm somehow just this way, or 'nuts' or 'just weird'.

And though I'd rather others didn't, it amazes me how common the similarities between us are (I thought I was the only one like this).

:hug:

 

[Hashi]

I think it's common. Denial protects us from what we can't handle. When it begins to fall away, that means we're ready to start facing things. I know it might not feel like we're ready, but it's time.

That doesn't mean the denial just vanishes, though. That would be overwhelming. For me, it's been a long journey moving between belief and disbelief. At times I've felt frustrated and angry when the disbelief comes back, because I want to heal and move forward. At times I long for the denial to be back, to be able to once again push away the things that happened.

For me, when the denial first began to break I went through a storm of symptoms and feelings. There are grounding and coping skills you can learn to help with this and to keep you stable as you process what you're experiencing.

I hope being on the forum will help you.

 

[Jane.l]

I got by for a long time repressing any emotions and pretending I was doing ok, until the flashbacks and nightmares and the urge to self harm. At that point I had to do something about it.

I think once you start to take the lid off you get to the point that it just won't go back on and you have to deal with it. It won't go away on its own, you can't run away from it. As much as we wish we could . Once it's out there and you are talking about it in therapy, there really is no option than move forward and I guess that's hard because denying it is no longer an option and you have to find new ways to cope with the reality.

 

[JustBe]

It is a relief though to find others who understand.