Trying to grieve - but inner voices tell me to stop complaining

[Tinyflame]

I don't have anger, or much of 'anything' about it. But I actually appreciate some sort of emotional feedback about it. Maybe that does give permission to hear (or see) an 'opinion' about 'happenings' that I (we) would otherwise minimize?

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks everyone for your input.

look at it from an outsiders perspective

Yes, my ex-T also brought this up. I just can't seem to do this very well, but from what you are all saying, this takes time.

I really value this forum. I keep going to type up whats going on in my head....and during the process I can now 'hear' some of your responses as I'm typing. I was going to justify my lack of self-sympathy on the fact that I have so may gaps in my memories and only a handful of really clear memories. But then I realised that you will all tell me that those handful are enough. And they are enough.

I think one of the things that really damaged me was that I had two different abuse periods which were completely unrelated. During my second lot I learnt about 'revictimisation' and as a result, even after my second lot of abuse stopped I lived in fear and believed that it was only a matter of time, before I was abused again.

Something else she told me that really does help is that I TRULY do have PTSD,

I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm not sure if my symptoms are severe enough to be diagnosed, but I will say that there is a part of me that would almost like a PTSD diagnosis as I think I would find it validating (ie, I'm not making this all up, bad stuff did happen, and it has affected me significantly).

 

[FindingMyself88]

I definitely understand the fear of being revictimized. Multiple or complex traumas do make it hard to not be afraid of it happening again.

If you think it is a possibility, I would look into seeing a mental health professional and talk to them about your symptoms. It helps to get that opinion from someone else who is a professional. As far as not feeling like yours is severe, I think we all seem to underestimate our issues, I know I do.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @FindingMyself88. I know that I do minimise my problems. Sometimes when I talk out loud about them I feel like I'm looking back at myself in disbelief.

6mths ago I started seeing a T but it went really bad, and she is now my ex-T. I ended up down a very dark hole that I am slowly digging my way back up from. I see a new T in a few days and I'm hoping she will work for me ... but I'm going to be super-cautious with her so I don't expect to get anything out of if for 6mths because after my last experience my trust is so low that I don't plan on opening up to her until she has proved herself. For more on that, see the thread...
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/what-went-wrong-in-therapy-trying-to-work-it-out.41710/

 

[jmni]

So while I don't think my inner voices are a psychiatric thing (sorry, don't know the terms), I do think that my internal thoughts are governed by my life experiences which have inadvertently told me "stop complaining", "its not that bad", "focus on the good" etc. Interestingly, I don't have any memories of my abusers voices which is really weird as one of them would have spoken to me regularly (outside of the abuse), but I can't recall any trace of a voice or words....maybe this memory will be uncovered one day ... not sure if I like the idea of that.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes my voices are so accurate I can tell that the memory is very real and must exist in me. But my mind has muddled it and confused the figures and the quotes. One day I could remember and I find that sort of scary. My T says she believes I am not scizophrenic. That my symptoms are more close to ptsd / OCD / or pure-O. I am not sure there is a term for it either.

It sounds as though when you were younger you had no choice but to listen to people who recommended that you not validate your own pain and problems, and to stuff it down and ignore it. Now its resurfaced. In an ironic way these voices are sort of telling you to listen to yourself through reverse logic.

I can never make my mind go blank. I have tried various mediation methods over the years and 'blank' is not something I have ever got anywhere close to achieving. I think my mind chatter is a actually a distraction and keeps me away from my feelings. I'll have to think about that more....

Is it as if, the chatter / voices are so strong that it removes you from where you are and what are doing? That is what its like for me. I can speak back to my voices. They are like real people and I see them. For me these voices will never allow me any kind of validation. They are critiques, cruel, and threatening. They fight with me.

It is possible but its not easy. You can stop it but the voices will return. The first step is to refuse to speak back to them. I have called it a vow of silence. I talk to myself aloud and speak to them. So what I did was promise myself not to speak at all. I found that once the voices start talking to me, I mindlessly converse with them. But if you refuse to speak to them or respond then you take control with your mind. I suggest just trying not to talk aloud, and then your mind will follow. The other thing I do is to cover my eyes and imagine these figures getting sucked away into a void. I tell myself that none of those people are actually present and that I am not somewhere else or with them. I have to remind myself that I am alone at this time.

It's like going to a different state where you are not thinking at all. You can focus on being.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @jmni for your thoughts.

There is a lot of information there, I will need some time to digest it.