It's difficult not to have horrible associations with anything, when an abuser has represented themselves as being identified with it. That's only natural, and I hope you aren't beating yourself up over it, as in "I must be a bad person for my lack of faith/lack of ability to trust God, etc. It sounds as though, you understand the dynamics of the problem, however--as you are, in fact, not only continuing to pray, but to take that lack of faith/trust to God in prayer. I forget the verse, but I do recall an instance in the Bible (I assume you're referring to a Christian God), when upon being approached by a man requesting that he heal his daughter (or was it son), Jesus replied that the man's faith was lacking...to which the man responded "Help my lack of faith". At which point, Jesus then did, in fact, heal the man's child. So it would seem that, in the act of admitting one's lack of faith to God, and requesting that God help one even in this...that one is proving their faith by virtue of that very act of openness, trust, and dependence, itself.
The way I look at it is this: Humans screw up pretty much everything they touch. It doesn't have anything to do with God, or the universe, or "Goodness not existing in the world" as a result of that fact...or whatever it is any given person is representing themselves as being is, itself, lacking in veracity, legitimacy, or credibility.
For example, take Einstein's formula for relativity...E=MC2 (squared...don't know how to get the superscript to work on my computer, at the moment. If you were to give this formula to the average person, and ask them to prove it mathematically, themselves...what would you most likely get? Well, unless the person was an accomplished post-grad mathematician....you would just get a bunch of gobbledy-gook. But does that have anything to do with whether the equation, itself, is legitimate, or not? Of course not. Just that the person asked wasn't any good at "carrying it out".
So same thing applies, in my mind.
But that's easy to say, I know. It's much harder to transfer into one's experience of the thing, itself. As they say, the longest distance is the distance from your forehead to your heart. Just "knowing something" intellectually, doesn't change the way you feel about it. It would be nice if it did, but it doesn't. At least not that, alone.
But I think it's the necessary place to start for that eventual change to take place...kind of like the fact that turning a key in a lock doesn't, of itself, open the door. That comes after. But until it's unlocked, the door's not opening, at all.
So in other words...I think the "solution" (if one could call it that), lies in a combination of the "perspective change" as the key in the lock...plus patience of just allowing this change to gradually set in, and take over, in time...just as a matter of actually opening the door takes an elapse of the time necessary for you to physically swing it open...as opposed to the turning of the lock, which is just an instant "flick". It's the two in combination, in my experience, that are necessary...just as accomplishing most things. Just setting a box of cake mix in the oven and turning it on doesn't get you a cake, after all. It's a two part process.
It's a popular refrain that "More atrocities have been committed in the name of religion than anything else". But I think that's missing the point--maybe that's only because religion has been the one consistent factor across all civilizations, since the beginning of time. The plain fact is...human's are pretty good at committing atrocities in the name of pretty much whatever excuse they come up with, whatever it happens to be. The commission of "atrocities" may be one of the few factors that unite all humans, their organizations of culture/society, since the dawn of time. And it's not exactly specific to religion, after all. So it's not the religion, in other words--just that humans can be pretty atrocious, all around.
But, of course, they can be loving and supportive and selfless, as well. And while it's not as popular a saying...I think more love and support and selflessness has come-about under the inspiration of faith/religion than maybe anything else as well. Just doesn't sound as cool to say so, I guess.
So sorry for your experience, truly. Predatory people screw up everything they're associated with for those upon whom they prey, I think. But when it's the idea of God as benevolent, and so, therefore, one's faith, in general...that may be the worst, most all-encompassing blow.
So glad you continue to pray, and seek. Hope you'll pray, as well, that your faith may be increased...and that seeing that faith, in so doing, you too will be healed, as was the child of the parent in the above verse.
Be well.
