Justmehere
Sponsor
I guess I could put this under supporter relationships because this came up in the context of my supporting someone with CPTSD, but it stirred up my own symptoms, and that’s what I could use advice about. I can’t shake this off.
There is an aquaintance/friend I met at a social event at a church just 4 weeks ago who is trying to manipulate the entire circle of friends at that church.
The sufferer asked for support and help. It was really she had no sense of boundaries for herself or others.
She pretty quickly exhibited almost every borderline personality disorder symptom extremely strongly. She tried to split people and complain about everyone to everyone else. Like 2 weeks into it. While also adoring me in a way that felt really bad to me.
Friends asked me how to respond to her. I told them to have boundaries, don’t get triangulated, and I gave them links to crisis lines that could support them if that need came up. I didn’t think the need for all this would come up so fast, but it did. She asked us to celebrate basically being free of a bad coping skill for xyz months and I asked specifically how she’d like to celebrate (it was a small thing similar to what AA or celebrate recovery would do) and folks gladly did what she specifically requested to do. All healthy.
The suicidal threats to others (not me) started later that day. I had already set the boundary I can’t do phone calls during the week and etc... She was hospitalized. I don’t know why, other than she posed an immediate threat to her life and she told quite a few people she was unsafe.
She asked me to drive her stuff to her. I was unable to do that. Like I don’t have a car right now. I had no way to get to the city she was in 3 hours away. She tried to guilt trip me, went on and on about her suffering without her things and I was the only one she can ask. She lied about quite a number of things, half of which I knew in the moment.
She kept calling me anyhow leaving lists of what to pick up for her to bring to her in the hospital.
I talked to her and talked to the hospital staff and set the boundary again the day after. No more phone calls to me.
The next day, she used a different not-yet-blocked patient phone number to call me at work.
I called her back one last time. I told her that I am at work, I have two minutes to talk, and this situation is not ok. The staff was aware that she is not to call me anymore. She is aware. If she would like she can meet with me and (person on staff with the church) to figure or how we can better help her as a church but I can’t do this. (I was beginning to dissociate at work with her messages. I really could not do this.)
She started to cry and get very upset “how can you say this to me when I’m in the mental hospital.” She went on and on how it was offensive to mention that I was at work. Makes her feel like her disability status is terrible. How could I just abandon her like this?... and on and on... she went.
I cut her off. I did interrupt her. I told her my staff could hear her yelling at me. She can still hang out at the church but I can’t help her get her things and I can’t do these phone calls. It’s stops now. I’m ending the call. She can email me or FB message me when she’s out of the hospital.
That seemed to reassure her. She apologized for misunderstanding. Argh.
I blocked all her numbers. I didn’t get any more calls and she didn’t even try.
She’s out of the hospital and she contacted me on social media. The first thing she had to say was that her hospitalization, her threat to end her life imminently, was the fault of myself and these other friends who were kind enough to do exactly what she asked us to do to honor her anniversary of stopping the bad coping mechism.
She point blank told myself and others if we had been less nice she would have not have been triggered and gotten hospitalized. She also wrote that her stay was lengthened because I was hurtful and disrespectful to her by talking over her when she called me at work.
What.
The.
f*ck.
I just met this girl.
I did take the bait and asked her to better explain her thinking just to make sure I did not misunderstand. I also explained again, I don’t have a car, you were disrupting my workplace and phone lines, you also were dishonest with me... she ignored all that. I wondered if it would click now, in a more stable place. It did not.
She was adamant that if we had been less nice about her anniversary and I had not interrupted her during that last call while she was in the hospital she would have not even hospitalized and/or at least discharged a week sooner.
I told her that her hospitalizations and the length of her stay are not my fault. Period. I am not so powerful as to cure her mental health condition and needs by simply letting her case a disruption in my workplace. I am concerned she is so clearly distressed. I asked that she no longer message me.
She messaged again to say she was respectful of my boundaries.
Riiiight.
“You are good at many things but respecting boundaries of mine is not one of them.”
“You are hurting me. May God help you.”
Then she threatened to off herself. I called a crisis unit and they went to her house. I have no idea what happened.
She’s blocked from all contact with me.
I can’t shake off what she did. I could run into her again if she returns to the church. I could make it a thing and tell staff what happened but I’m too tired.
I know she’s struggling, but I just met her and this isn’t ok. I can’t shake it.
The one thing that gets me is her telling me it’s all my fault she was a threat to end her life. She’s in contact with my friends at this church... she’ll tell them that too.
How do I just let this go?
There is an aquaintance/friend I met at a social event at a church just 4 weeks ago who is trying to manipulate the entire circle of friends at that church.
The sufferer asked for support and help. It was really she had no sense of boundaries for herself or others.
She pretty quickly exhibited almost every borderline personality disorder symptom extremely strongly. She tried to split people and complain about everyone to everyone else. Like 2 weeks into it. While also adoring me in a way that felt really bad to me.
Friends asked me how to respond to her. I told them to have boundaries, don’t get triangulated, and I gave them links to crisis lines that could support them if that need came up. I didn’t think the need for all this would come up so fast, but it did. She asked us to celebrate basically being free of a bad coping skill for xyz months and I asked specifically how she’d like to celebrate (it was a small thing similar to what AA or celebrate recovery would do) and folks gladly did what she specifically requested to do. All healthy.
The suicidal threats to others (not me) started later that day. I had already set the boundary I can’t do phone calls during the week and etc... She was hospitalized. I don’t know why, other than she posed an immediate threat to her life and she told quite a few people she was unsafe.
She asked me to drive her stuff to her. I was unable to do that. Like I don’t have a car right now. I had no way to get to the city she was in 3 hours away. She tried to guilt trip me, went on and on about her suffering without her things and I was the only one she can ask. She lied about quite a number of things, half of which I knew in the moment.
She kept calling me anyhow leaving lists of what to pick up for her to bring to her in the hospital.
I talked to her and talked to the hospital staff and set the boundary again the day after. No more phone calls to me.
The next day, she used a different not-yet-blocked patient phone number to call me at work.
I called her back one last time. I told her that I am at work, I have two minutes to talk, and this situation is not ok. The staff was aware that she is not to call me anymore. She is aware. If she would like she can meet with me and (person on staff with the church) to figure or how we can better help her as a church but I can’t do this. (I was beginning to dissociate at work with her messages. I really could not do this.)
She started to cry and get very upset “how can you say this to me when I’m in the mental hospital.” She went on and on how it was offensive to mention that I was at work. Makes her feel like her disability status is terrible. How could I just abandon her like this?... and on and on... she went.
I cut her off. I did interrupt her. I told her my staff could hear her yelling at me. She can still hang out at the church but I can’t help her get her things and I can’t do these phone calls. It’s stops now. I’m ending the call. She can email me or FB message me when she’s out of the hospital.
That seemed to reassure her. She apologized for misunderstanding. Argh.
I blocked all her numbers. I didn’t get any more calls and she didn’t even try.
She’s out of the hospital and she contacted me on social media. The first thing she had to say was that her hospitalization, her threat to end her life imminently, was the fault of myself and these other friends who were kind enough to do exactly what she asked us to do to honor her anniversary of stopping the bad coping mechism.
She point blank told myself and others if we had been less nice she would have not have been triggered and gotten hospitalized. She also wrote that her stay was lengthened because I was hurtful and disrespectful to her by talking over her when she called me at work.
What.
The.
f*ck.
I just met this girl.
I did take the bait and asked her to better explain her thinking just to make sure I did not misunderstand. I also explained again, I don’t have a car, you were disrupting my workplace and phone lines, you also were dishonest with me... she ignored all that. I wondered if it would click now, in a more stable place. It did not.
She was adamant that if we had been less nice about her anniversary and I had not interrupted her during that last call while she was in the hospital she would have not even hospitalized and/or at least discharged a week sooner.
I told her that her hospitalizations and the length of her stay are not my fault. Period. I am not so powerful as to cure her mental health condition and needs by simply letting her case a disruption in my workplace. I am concerned she is so clearly distressed. I asked that she no longer message me.
She messaged again to say she was respectful of my boundaries.
Riiiight.
“You are good at many things but respecting boundaries of mine is not one of them.”
“You are hurting me. May God help you.”
Then she threatened to off herself. I called a crisis unit and they went to her house. I have no idea what happened.
She’s blocked from all contact with me.
I can’t shake off what she did. I could run into her again if she returns to the church. I could make it a thing and tell staff what happened but I’m too tired.
I know she’s struggling, but I just met her and this isn’t ok. I can’t shake it.
The one thing that gets me is her telling me it’s all my fault she was a threat to end her life. She’s in contact with my friends at this church... she’ll tell them that too.
How do I just let this go?
Last edited: