Relationship Trying To Support A Combat Vet Now Ex Bf.

[NavyGunner]

I met this amazing guy back in February. Him and I instantly clicked. soon, we were dating and had eyes only for one another. Things were going great for a few months! He had only had one real big bout of PTSD, but I was there for it, and knew ahead of time, so I wasn't too alarmed. I unfortunately deployed back in April. And for about 4 months, things were great between me and him. We had a clear line of communication, everything. Than I get a "dear John" on deployment. Said he couldn't sleep anymore, and when he did he would crush anything he was sleeping with or next to into about the size of a coke can. And that he couldn't do that to me. So out of the blue, while I am half way around the world, I get this. And I lost my mind. I would give anything for this man. I know he is a great guy, and he needs a strong woman to stand beside him. I can be that woman if he lets me.

We hadn't talked until about 2 weeks after I got back from deployment. Finally he agreed to sit down and actually talk to me. When I asked him what was going on, he closed up. Just saying that he couldn't hurt me, and thats why he couldn't be with me. He still loves me supposedly, but because he won't let himself sleep next to me at night, we can't have a relationship. I do not know how much of this may be true. But I do not care about the physical portion of a relationship, yes it is nice, but I would rather have the emotional connection than anything. I almost feel like he may be hiding behind the PTSD as an excuse, but thats because he continuously says the same phrase over and over. never any emotion in it, just a blanket phrase to get me to shut up. "I love you but I can't hurt you"
Are my feelings wrong in this? I really wish I could understand what I need to do to help him come back to being happy, and preferably with me. I just can't seem to let him go. He needs support if this is all true, and I want to be the one girl who stands by his side through everything, but he pushes me away. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[arfie]

My husband seems to have spent most of our marriage hunting for the set of tools that will let him locate and fix all the loose screws in my head. Every time he does, I feel more humiliated than when I went through the original trauma. The love of my life is calling me defective!

Somewhere along the way, he learned to say, "I am sorry for your pain. I have absolute faith that you can work through this and I will be here for you while you do. It takes what it takes. Don't worry about me. Just do what you have to do to get through it, however long it takes."

Very empowering! Reminds me why I hooked up with this guy in the first place! Healing psychic wounds is an inside job. Votes of confidence are the best support I have ever received.

Good luck, NavyGunner. Hope you find what works for you.

 

[kahlan]

I've had the same conversation. Only I got pushed away more recently because he perveived I was pushing him so he "ended it" first but the fear of him hurting me during a nightmare or flashback has always been an undercurrent so I do understand how you feel.

That said make sure you're taking care of yorself and know that as much as you want it to be it may never be.

This is a great resource with very supportive people, and the supporters section is jammed full of great advise. Best of luck :)

 

[NavyGunner]

If he won't even talk to me, what do I do? Do I stand around waiting while trying to pick up the pieces of my life? Or should I try to keep in contact? It seems like if I do message him or try to see him, just to make sure is doing as well as can be, he is either very short with me if I even get an answer.

 

[amethist]

Hi NavyGunner.

It can be a tough call when they wont talk to you, but the best advice anyone here will give you, is to try and get your own life back on track without him. Some sufferers cannot hold onto relationships because of their PTSD.

No one will tell you to let go altogether, that is your decision to make, but hanging on just in case he does come round, could mean a very long wait.

Live your life for you for now, and try to except that maybe this relationship just wasn't to be.

 

[JennJenn]

I understand how it feels to try to decide to let go or hold on. I am currently on round three of trying to make a relationship wok with someone who is a sufferer. It is hard to decide whether or not you should reach out and check on them. Your heart tells you that you should make sure they are taking care of themselves and getting the help they need. For me continuing to keep contact with him is the best thing. I always let him know that I am there for him no matter what. If he needs a friend or needs someone to vent to or whatever it is he needs at that time.