Trying To Try

[desiderata310]

I'm not entirely certain of where this is going. Forgive me for vomiting on the board again.

I know I've been both very stressed (over running stress cup and maxed out) and triggered (full on flashbacks and dissociative for days) My therapist asked if it was in part fall out from my trip a couple of weeks ago? Yes, that, it's being in physical therapy and having to be touched (and the PT had to touch me in very anxiety inducing areas) it's the stress at work, it's the stress at home, it's triggers in all those areas.

A great deal of this is from feeling like I've been ratted out by.. me. I had my first year review and my boss started noting all of my symptoms and said he was worried about my ability to do my job. Said that he could tell when I was stressed because of how I was breathing and "my breathing pattern made him nervous". It's made me raw and anxious knowing that he's on to me, that he has no confidence in my abilities. It's something I struggle with EVERYDAY. Can I go to that meeting and not freak out, dissociate, have a panic attack?

I blew up at work over something tiny. My crew was shocked. I'd had a flashback about an hour prior and couldn't keep things right in my head. I became very suicidal. My method is AT WORK. I wound up leaving early that day, texting my therapist and going home and cutting. He's checked on me. I'm trying. I'm struggling.

My therapist was asking what triggered me. This is hard. It's a lot of things. Really. I don't know how to explain it. It's hard right now to even care or want to stay here. Lot's of violent intent towards who I am. Shouldn't have been born.

When I left therapy that morning, I know I SEEMED ok. I was very stressed and... yes.. triggered. I was having trouble stayin present in session. I made some jokes, I was trying but something hit that switch and I've been on this side of just f*cking hell for days. WHAT THE f*ck!?!

I know I am still not making a great amount of sense. I picked myself up off the floor of my apartment and went to work last night. I'm still trying but I don't WANT to try. I'm sick to shit of trying. This is never going to get any better.

 

[scout86]

I really don't want to sound like your therapist, but you mean "it FEELS like it's never going to get any better", right?

Point taken. And it really can feel that way sometimes. I know.

I'm kind of taken aback that your boss noticed your breathing. My T keeps making comments on mine all the time. ("I really wish you'd BREATH. I tend to match my breathing to my clients and I'm about to pass out!") But, it never occurred to me that anyone else would notice. That would freak me out a little. (Maybe a lot.) On the other hand, if he's a GOOD boss, since he realizes you're stressed, it gives him the chance to do what he can to relieve some of the stress. (Did he actually SAY he has no confidence in your abilities, or is that YOU talking about you?) What's he like? Any chance the 2 of you can work on things and find ways to relieve some stress? I'm thinking that you're a pretty GOOD employee, that he'd rather keep around. There might be things that can be done. What WOULD relieve some of the stress.

You actually DESERVE to have things set up so they are workable for you. You're trying hard, you're working on stuff, you're making progress (even if you don't see it yet), you DESERVE to be cut enough slack so you can keep going without having this kind of stress level.

I'd say it sounds like you need a vacation, except that you don't strike me as someone who does "time off" well. Do you?

For the record, I'm still, officially, GLAD YOU WERE BORN! :clown: :devilish: :rolleyes:

 

[darrenS]

i hate feeling like things will never get better , im struggling with the same thoughts , all we can do is hang in there , i know its hard..but what other options do we have ? other than to try and ground ourselves , let the feelings process and pass and hope we can pick up and go forward. It dosent feel like we can i know...its such a shitty feeling and illness , but just do it by 30 min segments - just take it easy - and over time you will get through
i wouldnt worry too much about work until i could get my stress down and then start thinking of solutions..

 

[desiderata310]

I really don't want to sound like your therapist, but you mean "it FEELS like it's never going to get any better", right?

I wish I could believe that.

I'm kind of taken aback that your boss noticed your breathing. My T keeps making comments on mine all the time. ("I really wish you'd BREATH. I tend to match my breathing to my clients and I'm about to pass out!") But, it never occurred to me that anyone else would notice. That would freak me out a little. (Maybe a lot.) On the other hand, if he's a GOOD boss, since he realizes you're stressed, it gives him the chance to do what he can to relieve some of the stress. (Did he actually SAY he has no confidence in your abilities, or is that YOU talking about you?) What's he like? Any chance the 2 of you can work on things and find ways to relieve some stress? I'm thinking that you're a pretty GOOD employee, that he'd rather keep around. There might be things that can be done. What WOULD relieve some of the stress.

He's not a good boss. At best, he's inconsistent, and worst he's manipulative. No one can figure him out and everyone else there has worked with him for almost two decades.

No. what he actually said is that he is concerned that my stress level is effecting my ability to do the job and wanted to know what *I* was doing to mitigate my stress levels. I had several tests run earlier this year (turns out it was my PTSD creating health issues. HEY! Big surprise there!) and he was fishing to find out what the results were. I said that I was under the care of a doctor (my therapist) and was working on ways to mitigate my stress (therapy and medication) and that we had other things we were looking into to help ensure I stayed healthy( ie. the service dog f*ck. if he's going to put me on the spot, lay ground work, right?)
It's NOT a high stress job. I've had those. It has moments but for the most part it's a pretty tame. I SHOULD be able to handle this

I'd say it sounds like you need a vacation, except that you don't strike me as someone who does "time off" well. Do you?

Bad things tend to happen when I have free time. I do best when I am too busy to think.

Right now I am praying for sleep. I managed about 3 hours Friday night and maybe a nap last night?
At this point I'm .. I don't know... confused. anxious exhausted.
Texted my therapist a few hours ago. My next appointment is Tuesday. I found out that I had to be in a meeting at the same time as my therapy appointment. I texted him to see if we could move my appointment. I don't think I will do so well waiting till Friday.

I've gone over the edge to needy. I can't help it right now. I've been cutting again and I know I'm going to cut when I finish this post. I'm trying to hold off a little while longer.

 

[scout86]

Oh boy!:sick: (Sounds like you might be working for a version of my mother.)

You definitely didn't get lucky in the boss department! This is one of the reasons I'm self employed.

The job, all by itself, might not be something you think of as "stressful" but the situation is and I think that makes it a "high stress job" whether it "should" be or not.

You have ME convinced that you need a different place of employment. I know that's not as easy as it looks either, most of the time. You have a lot on your plate anyway and are generating another kind of stress by working as hard as you are at the healing process. You sure don't need another layer of stress coming just from work being a bad place. (It really sounds like it is!)

I hope you get your appointment rescheduled. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Thinking of you!!!!!!

 

[joeylittle]

Bad things tend to happen when I have free time. I do best when I am too busy to think.

I just wanted to share that I operated this way for a long time, until it piled up and had a crisis. The crisis forced me to do some hospital time and take a break. I'm not sure if I ever would have been willing to take that time on my own - and I'm not sharing this as some sort of warning or pressure. Just wanted to let you know that I really identify with this feeling and was unbelievably shocked when it stopped working - I didn't think I would ever fall apart like that, so long as I had work I was responsible for.

If you did take time off, I would recommend doing a PHP - partial hospitalization program. They are usually 5 days a week, morning through afternoon, and specifically exist as a way to put structure and daily therapeutic support into the lives of those who need it, but aren't at the point where they need to be hospitalized. I know when I was in, many people weren't telling their families where they were; they just left for work "like normal", but went to the PHP instead.

I picked myself up off the floor of my apartment and went to work last night. I'm still trying but I don't WANT to try. I'm sick to shit of trying. This is never going to get any better.

I've been in this headspace for the last month. I'm also having a very, very hard time seeing my mental health situation ever improving - or even changing in some direction that is NOT downward. All I can tell you is that there is something in you that is willing to keep trying, even if right now that is just waiting out the current storm. Whether you can identify that "something" or not doesn't matter. It's there. I think we (human beings) have a natural drive towards survival, and it pushes us through the roughest things, whether we want it to or not. Right now, you wish it would stop, probably - but just let it do its thing. try and focus on small ways you can make your day a tiny bit easier.

Do I remember right that you bike to work? Maybe you can add some extra miles, just to spend down some more energy.

And look into whether any of your local hospitals offer a PHP. Even if you don't go now - sometimes just knowing what an option might be can really help relieve some pressure.

 

[desiderata310]

um. wow.
I have to be honest, I've never even considered anything like a PHP. I have really mixed feelings about that. I know I need downtime from work. My explosion the other day over Christmas decorations tells me that I need to spend some time NOT here. The idea of being in a locked facility during the day however, fills me with an anxiety that I can't even describe properly. I've done my stint in a hospital. I don't want to go back.

I do bike to work. I usually do something like bike in and do a swim or a work out before work but recently, just getting in to work has been all I could do. I just lost my ... desire? I don't know. I did get a 50 mile ride in this weekend solo. It helped for about three hours. That was something. So ride three hours and then have a good three hour jaunt where I feel normal-ish.. I guess that's a decent trade. Except that I can't do 8 hours of that... not realistically.

I finally heard back from my therapist. I can't meet tomorrow at my normal time because of a meeting my boss moved. My therapist said we could still meet but that we would have to be 'creative' about where and how. Just shows you how freaked out I get. I can't meet in his office with other people around. I just get too triggered.

 

[desiderata310]

@scout86 My line of work doesn't lend itself to switching jobs very often. I literally moved 2000 miles to take this position. It took me the better part of 6 months of hard searching and interviewing to get this position. (not counting the 2 years of half hearted looking I did prior) I keep reminding myself that my current boss is a short timer. He retires next December. That could be good or it could be really bad. At least it will be different.

I was just informed by my boss I have to go to an "Open House Event" tomorrow after work to "work on my relationship" with this particular partner. Seriously?
*sigh*

 

[joeylittle]

The idea of being in a locked facility during the day however, fills me with an anxiety that I can't even describe properly. I've done my stint in a hospital. I don't want to go back.

Definitely not locked in.

My typical PHP experiences: group check in 9:30-10:30, some small group thing (usually CBT skills or DBT skills) 10:40-noon, lunch from noon-1 (you can go anywhere you want, don't have to stay in the meeting area), some other group 1-2:20 (during this you would also get pulled out to meet with either the nurse or the psych, depending on whether you had meds or not), and then group check in/goals setting 2:30-3:30. If you wanted to stay after to do a one-on-one check in with staff, you could do that.

Meetings were held in the hospital, but not anywhere near a wing or a ward - just in a handful of meeting rooms with chairs, you'd sit in a circle and learn things. Group leaders can be hit-or-miss. The emphasis is NOT on therapy per se - people would sometimes talk about their specific experiences/struggles, but only as it related to the topic. So it wasn't heavily based on "sharing", but more on structured time and skills and really, just time to be somewhere and not have to be high functioning and also to not have to be alone. It's a major relief - I cannot stress this enough - to be in a room full of people who are totally OK with you just being where you're at, because they are just being where they're at.

I've been hospitalized as well - this is entirely different. And if you want to stop going, you just stop going.

Just wanted to fill that in for you.

 

[scout86]

A year sounds like a long time. Granted the job is only one of the challenges you're facing. Any ideas on what WOULD mitigate your stress levels? (When I ask myself that question, I start from the unrealistic position that "all things are possible and on the table". Sometimes an idea that "can't possibly work" has value. Even if it can't work, sometimes it gives insight that leads to something that can.)

I can see that I'd hate your job. WAY too much socializing! These people haven't got much of a grasp of the idea of having life outside of work, do they?

 

[desiderata310]

No one has any concept of work/life balance in this business, no...