Twisted Mother

[Amy Jo]

So I've avoided this topic in my head because I'm afraid of what it will yield. And because it scares me I obviously have to deal with it. My other played a very big role in my trauma--she stood by and let it happen my entire life, from my age of five on, she played the victim when I was older and demanded explanation for my abuse, she chose him over me even then, she denied ever knowing--playing the victim oh so well, and after my stepdad left her she was the victim to our whole family because we were slowly coming out with the truth, claiming she blacked out the memories and "didn't know"--SHE DID, and later, when I developed PTSD, dissociation, all that, she was quietly there for me and would almost forge this anger "What the hell did he do to you?!" and then turn it on herself, how she was the victim of her husband because she couldn't see to protect her child. And now, when I talk about it, she says "I know, I know Amy, I've been there." Like HELL SHE'S BEEN THERE! How dare she pretend to not only have felt what I have my whole life and now, but to act like she's this wise, all-knowing sage whom I can turn to. She disregards me, she's never validated me, and she plays these games with my head to let me know she's the boss--and like a foolish little child I listen to her, I let things slide, because I don't want to hurt her. She's really, truly screwed up and she knows it. But how is this good for me? I'll call her if I'm dissociating or had a bad flashback and the subject turns to her and her sad life and how no one can help her. I try to separate myself and my life from her but she has no one, my sisters won't talk to her because of the way she is and what she's done to me, yet I'm the one still trying to "help" her. I spent ten years in therapy trying to recover from her abandonment and invalidation and abuse. And here I am, 30, letting her slide by with all that sick shit. I think I return to her because I'm like a child jsut wanting a mother, and sometimes she acts like one, and that's enough for me. Where are my healthy boundaries? What can I say to her that will change? Why am I not putting myself first??

 

[Srain]

She hasn't and can't be there for you, never could. She can't know what you went through and her issues aren't yours to take care of. It's so hard to not want to take care of her just in hopes it will bring the kind of love you deserve. But all that won't make up for what she didn't do for you and you have every right to be upset. She needs her own therapist and support group and you need to be allowed feel your feelings without guilt over it. It doesn't matter what her experience was, it doesn't remove her responsibility as your parent, you were a CHILD, you were not children in it TOGETHER.

I hope that you have other support people to help you with your flashbacks and to support you, you deserve loving selfish people to care about you.

Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Amy Jo]

"you were not children in it TOGETHER" wow that strikes a nerve. You're absolutely right. And it's like she wants me to feel like she was victimized right along with me, and poor her. Why her need for so much pity? All I ever wanted was her understanding. My sisters and aunts and uncles are extremely supportive--they're amazing. Thanks for your kind words, Rain! I shall carry this message with me!
Amy

 

[becvan]

Where are my healthy boundaries? What can I say to her that will change? Why am I not putting myself first??

Healthy boundaries take time and hard work to get. Its a very slow process. If your in therapy I would bring this subject up and start working on small boundaries so that you can work towards the bigger ones.

You can not change anyone but yourself. Trying to change her is just an exercise in frustration becuase it's not possible. Work on changing you.

You are not putting yourself first because you were taught not to and have yet to decide that your worth being first. This ties into boundary work but also into working on your self-esteem and learning to love yourself.

I don't think your trying to "help" her, more like self abuse. You know that she's going to heap on the crap and thats why you are calling. Living a lifetime of abuse makes us think we deserve it and we will keep going back for more. It takes a bit in therapy for us to see where we are doing this and learn how to stop it.

best of luck,
bec

 

[ktmarie71]

If I didn't know better I would think we had the same mother. Seriously, its hard to put up the boundaries with mothers. She had your whole childhood to convince you of her victimization and helplessness and to mold the perfect scapegoat for her own guilt.
In my case I stopped doing that for my mom and stood up for myself and now she won't talk to me. She let me be abused and neglected and abused me herself, but I am still the guilty one in her eyes. She even goes around telling people how mean I am and blaming me for everything. My mother is completely full of self serving bullshit.
I won't go begging for my mother's affections anymore and I won't let her keep hurting me; because, I have a kid now that I dont want getting all tangled up in her crap. The abuse has to stop and I'm stopping it dead in its tracks for my kid.
Oh, sorry. I got caught up in emotion there. It is really hard to stand up against a parent. For a good portion of our lives they were the most important people. We depended on them and we learned about ourselves through them. Your anger is justified and I hope you can find some peace with or without her in your life.