Thoughtful
New Here
Good Morning Everyone
I am just newly signed up but have been reading posted articles for a while now. Thank you so much for the site and the help that you all have given me. Please have a little patience with me,I'm not terribly computer savvy either. I'm trying to give a little background so my question will hopefully make more sense.
I have been with K for almost 3 yrs now, known eachother for almost 10. K has always quietly spoken with me about his PTSD and when we decided to be together, of course he told me more and that the door was always open if I couldnt handle it anymore. K has been on various meds and has been seeing his Psychologist and Psychiatrist very regularly since being diagnosed just after his return from Rwanda in 1994. We do get along most days 'just fine', respectable with eachother, have conversations about something and nothing and all is fine. There are times he is very hard on me, and as he has always told me "Remember it isnt YOU, dont take it personally, it is me and how I am trying to deal with what is going on and how my brain processes everything." Ok so I do pretty good at my quiet mantra "it isnt me, let him get it off his chest, then go read. it isnt me......"
K will let me know when he has "A lot going on" and he just needs to process it so do I mind please going into the bedroom to watch a program or read and just leave him be, no matter what I hear out of him in the livingroom. Yep, ok, I have no problem with that.
What I do have a problem with and I dont know how to keep in my head that "It isnt me it is how he is trying to settle his anxiety and panic." is the Two Sets of Rules as I have come to call them.
K will not be affectionate with me in public at all and rarely in private. No touching, and certainly NO kissing in public. He will not compliment me and barely in private. I am not allowed to sit beside him on the sofa, we rarely ever go out in public together, sometimes when we are in public he can be so insulting to me I feel very humiliated. We did go out to a luncheon a year ago, and I was introduced as "Oh yea and here is whatshername." He will hug other women in public and make kissing faces to them OR go up to them and actually kiss them quickly. He will ask others How was your day and what did you do? But I have been told he doesnt want to know about my day at all(granted I work with Alzheimers/Dementia and Palliative so I do spare him that, but at least for heavensake ask me So Honey how was your day? I know he doesnt want to hear about who died and how but there are happy points in my day too.) He will compliment the crap out of so many of our friends and what he says borders on Coming On To them that even their husbands have to have words with him. Do I need to say much more?? I know he doesnt introduce me to many people and certainly most of the Army guys (he has retired after nearly 30 years this past January) bcs in his mind---If they dont know about how precious she is to me they cant try to take her away from me. But it is rather insulting being introduced as if I were nothing more than a Good Time. I have talked with him about this many times, and let him know that I feel like garbage when you have one set of rules for me and another set for everyone else. I want to walk the dog with you, but you ask everyone else but me to go with you, I want to even run to the store with you but you will go with anyone else but me. You get the idea.
I just need some help with this. I have told him that I can in one way deal with the PTSD easier than I can trying to deal with the Two Sets of Rules.
I have at times, when he is being gruff and hard on me, just looked at him square in the eyes, smiled at him and said very softly and lovingly "and yet I know you Love me." and then walked away and gone outside/read/walk the dog/et et et and let him ponder that, when he thought he'd get an arguement out of me.
Can anyone offer some suggestions for me?
Thank you for letting me and Thank you for helping me.
Thoughtful
I am just newly signed up but have been reading posted articles for a while now. Thank you so much for the site and the help that you all have given me. Please have a little patience with me,I'm not terribly computer savvy either. I'm trying to give a little background so my question will hopefully make more sense.
I have been with K for almost 3 yrs now, known eachother for almost 10. K has always quietly spoken with me about his PTSD and when we decided to be together, of course he told me more and that the door was always open if I couldnt handle it anymore. K has been on various meds and has been seeing his Psychologist and Psychiatrist very regularly since being diagnosed just after his return from Rwanda in 1994. We do get along most days 'just fine', respectable with eachother, have conversations about something and nothing and all is fine. There are times he is very hard on me, and as he has always told me "Remember it isnt YOU, dont take it personally, it is me and how I am trying to deal with what is going on and how my brain processes everything." Ok so I do pretty good at my quiet mantra "it isnt me, let him get it off his chest, then go read. it isnt me......"
K will let me know when he has "A lot going on" and he just needs to process it so do I mind please going into the bedroom to watch a program or read and just leave him be, no matter what I hear out of him in the livingroom. Yep, ok, I have no problem with that.
What I do have a problem with and I dont know how to keep in my head that "It isnt me it is how he is trying to settle his anxiety and panic." is the Two Sets of Rules as I have come to call them.
K will not be affectionate with me in public at all and rarely in private. No touching, and certainly NO kissing in public. He will not compliment me and barely in private. I am not allowed to sit beside him on the sofa, we rarely ever go out in public together, sometimes when we are in public he can be so insulting to me I feel very humiliated. We did go out to a luncheon a year ago, and I was introduced as "Oh yea and here is whatshername." He will hug other women in public and make kissing faces to them OR go up to them and actually kiss them quickly. He will ask others How was your day and what did you do? But I have been told he doesnt want to know about my day at all(granted I work with Alzheimers/Dementia and Palliative so I do spare him that, but at least for heavensake ask me So Honey how was your day? I know he doesnt want to hear about who died and how but there are happy points in my day too.) He will compliment the crap out of so many of our friends and what he says borders on Coming On To them that even their husbands have to have words with him. Do I need to say much more?? I know he doesnt introduce me to many people and certainly most of the Army guys (he has retired after nearly 30 years this past January) bcs in his mind---If they dont know about how precious she is to me they cant try to take her away from me. But it is rather insulting being introduced as if I were nothing more than a Good Time. I have talked with him about this many times, and let him know that I feel like garbage when you have one set of rules for me and another set for everyone else. I want to walk the dog with you, but you ask everyone else but me to go with you, I want to even run to the store with you but you will go with anyone else but me. You get the idea.
I just need some help with this. I have told him that I can in one way deal with the PTSD easier than I can trying to deal with the Two Sets of Rules.
I have at times, when he is being gruff and hard on me, just looked at him square in the eyes, smiled at him and said very softly and lovingly "and yet I know you Love me." and then walked away and gone outside/read/walk the dog/et et et and let him ponder that, when he thought he'd get an arguement out of me.
Can anyone offer some suggestions for me?
Thank you for letting me and Thank you for helping me.
Thoughtful
