Sexual Assault Tying to understand my abuser

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Well autism is not always the complete inability to communicate. It can be having to work very hard to compense the fact we have to study what most people would rapidly understand and put in practice. That's why social skill groups for autistics (not sure the specific term in english) exist. We can learn it but that's will be a hard long work we'll have to do all our life.
I spent almost all my social time in school studying how my peers was socializing instead actually making friends myself. I communicate so well precisely because it's what's the most important for me
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
the big question : what is going on in my abuser's head ?
I wonder why this is important when…
I can talk of that because it doesn't feel real. It's like it happened to someone else and I just happen to have access to memories and feelings.
you’re not really sure of what’s in your own head?
missing important pieces of a puzzle.
I think this is where the bravery comes in, with finding the pieces. It’s uncomfortable and generally not enjoyable work.

It’s understandable to want to figure out why someone did something that hurt you. Just that sometimes we are all too willing to focus on the abusers rather than ourselves when we need it most.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
What I really need would be a break but life doesn't stop because you can't handle more. People keep marring, having children, dying, going to hospital, having cancer etc.

I lost two grandparents and my father in three years. I would be difficult for everyone but for me it's just hellish. Now my mother of heart is leaving to spend the rest of her life two countries aways from me. I can't take plane to just see her. There are no date yet and I'm happy to know I won't have to see her die like I did for the rest of my decreased family but it feels like another adult is abandoning me.

So yeah it's easier to focus on what could have happened in my oldest brother head to do that.

I feel like I've been here for a week but I'm still very new to this forum. Does that what's going on in my brother head means we'll close this thread and I have to find another title to continue to talk about my past ?

I rarely act on plan instead I mostly rely on routines and instincts.

Also does it means no one would propose theories about the reason of past and present acts of my brother?
 

Sideways

Moderator
In some way I could have stopped watching tv with him after the first time.
"In some way I could have..." stopped him, defended myself, not gone along with it, made it harder for him, told someone...said every abuse victim ever.

So many of us have our brains do this. Our brains tell us stories about the things we could have done differently.

None of it matters. Because even if you put aside the issue of "my brain was in survival mode", and none of those options were actually available in survival mode - it is always the fault of the abuser for abusing us. He had no right to do that to you. And every time he did, the responsibility was on him, not you, to not do it. He was the one who made the wrong choices, all you did? Was have the amazing fortitude to survive the frightening and incredibly confusing thing he was doing to you.
But my emotions don't care about what my brain knows.
I hear you. Our emotions do their own thing. They don't align with our rational thoughts. And right now? It sounds like you're in a lot of pain.

Having been abused for years by someone who should have just loved you, it makes sense that you're in a lot of pain right now. And that your brain is trying to find ways of not feeling that pain.

Be gentle with yourself. The pain is awful, it is. But it makes sense. And if you can make space for it, and have compassion for yourself, it does get easier.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know how to have compassion for myself.

The only people who actually seemed to understand how hard I'm always trying are other autistics and therapists knowing a lot about autism.

Guess my hard work go lost in the way of my strange and cheerful attitude.

My answer was messy I suppressed lot of text.

Well people don't usually describe me as a optimistic of joyful person. They mainly say I'm depressed and weird.

But I do am optimistic and joyful. It's just hidden by my depression.
 

caroline_13

Confident
I knew it was wrong what he was doing to me. All along. the root of being brave is to face our fears. I only run aways from them. Dissociation, distractions, deny, waiting to see if problems solve themselves. I can't say I'm facing anthng.
You're facing a lot right now. You're not running.

In fact, you are facing MORE, and taking on MORE, than you have to.

Your brother has suffered, is suffering, or will suffer as a result of his actions. It's just plain karma no matter what you think or do, or what you thought or did.

I don't know how to have compassion for myself.
You are getting there.

I rarely act on plan instead I mostly rely on routines and instincts.
You say this like it's a bad thing.

Why do you think it's bad, or did I misunderstand?
 

Friday

Moderator
But all of that doesn't answer the big question : what is going on in my abuser's head ?

It's like I'm missing important pieces of a puzzle. So I do my best to find these pieces.
No idea what is/was going on in his head.

I DO know that -statistically- it’s almost unheard of for child/teen offenders to not be acting out their own abuse, with others. So the missing piece MAY be that your brother was being sexually abused during most/all of those years?

Or? It may be that he’s a hebephile (a kind of pedophile who is only attracted to just-entering-to-just-past-puberty adolescents to late blooming older teens).

Or a whole helluva lotta other possibilities. (Like certain personality disorders, certain substance abuse issues, certain dissociative disorders, etc., etc., etc.).
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I've been here for a week but I'm still very new to this forum. Does that what's going on in my brother head means we'll close this thread and I have to find another title to continue to talk about my past ?
I think you can just keep typing in this thread for as long as you like.

From what I can see he actually regret his actions but couldn't take the risk to actually say he did it. He has a job he always want and a girlfriend.
I am wondering here if you want to know whether he regrets what he did because it may make a difference to you and your actions. If he regretted what he did would you carry on a relationship with him? Would it change something?

Just curious.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
If he regretted what he did would you carry on a relationship with him? Would it change something?
If he actually regret I could think about trying to have a real brother sister relationship with him. If he doesn't he's a threat for other people so yeah it changes things
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
No idea what is/was going on in his head.

I DO know that -statistically- it’s almost unheard of for child/teen offenders to not be acting out their own abuse, with others. So the missing piece MAY be that your brother was being sexually abused during most/all of those years?

Or? It may be that he’s a hebephile (a kind of pedophile who is only attracted to just-entering-to-just-past-puberty adolescents to late blooming older teens).

Or a whole helluva lotta other possibilities. (Like certain personality disorders, certain substance abuse issues, certain dissociative disorders, etc., etc., etc.).
What I know is that he watched Porno when he was 13. Our family while being loving was chaotic at best (my mother was hospitalized at least two times in psy ward while i was young) she was probably quite unstable in daily life if the very few I remember is reliable. For my father he was idolizing her and was having savior complex toward her. He loved us much but visibly have trouble to know about how acting as a parent.

My brother abused me first when I was 7. But the second part I reached puberty and my breast developed a lot until 18. So I don't thing he's hephebophile or pedophile.

I heard that he witnessed a nudist, the non legal way so. But this information is unreliable because I only heard once and tend to hear things that was never said.

The only thing that seems to be intense with him is the fact he ride a bicycle a lot despite getting hurt often. He never seemed really interested by alcohol and with his love of driving he wouldn't risk to take most drugs.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Your brother has suffered, is suffering, or will suffer as a result of his actions. It's just plain karma no matter what you think or do, or what you thought or did.
I don't believe in karma because if he suffer of his actions that means he regrets them so isn't evil. If he was "evil" he wouldn't care what he did to me and is living a peacefully live where I'm concerned.
 
Top