Ummm... uhhh... My Past Boundary Failures vs. My Potential Future Ones?

[zombycat]

@EveHarrington
You know the saying that 'you're not really best friends unless you make everyone else around you question your sexuality?' Well, the sexuality part doesn't really apply, but someone watching them with no context would wonder. He does give her a lot of emotional intimacy, and yeah, that has been hard for me. Especially with my expectations from past co-dependent relationships throwing my reality checking so far out of whack.

I don't feel, though that the attention he gives her is to a point where it takes anything away from the attention he gives to me. He does a lot and goes very far out of his way to show me that I am the most important person in his life. It's just that sometimes, in those insecure moments. I can't recognize it or believe that I deserve it. He and I been having a lot of conversations about all of this, though. Very transparent, candid conversations. He wants to make sure that I have everything I need from him to feel loved, secure and fulfilled. I know a lot of people couldn't be comfortable with their relationship, but I feel it is within me to be. If I can get out of my own way. lol

@Justmehere
I struggle with self-discipline often. In fact, it's one of the things I like least about myself. I do worry that in some weird scenario I would meet a friend I really connected with and in some dark mental trauma moment I would do something stupid, but.. Honestly? I think I'm catastrophizing. The odds of anything like that happening are extremely low. I tend to be too skittish to get that close to people in person, and that's not even taking into account my partner who would see signs of danger long before I ever would and take steps to nip that in the bud (while somehow managing to not damage the friendship. He's weirdly amazing like that).

Also, we do quite a bit together, but he has severe social anxiety, so a lot of the things that I would enjoy doing sound pretty nightmarish to him. lol We both kind of struggle to make new friends, but he's more content with where he is. Any new friend I made would get adopted by him, but he's probably not going to go out looking for his own.

The other reason my T suggested I try branching out a bit is because I am not only my partner's caregiver, but he's a very vivid personality. I often struggle with feeling like a supporting cast member in his life (which he hates the idea of) instead of the star of my own, if that makes sense. My T felt it might be helpful for me to establish more of an identity for myself.

 

[Justmehere]

That makes a lot of sense in striking out on your own. I agree with your therapist.

You have described a struggle with self discipline, and I have no doubt that’s real. But boundaries with others sometimes means others can help with your boundaries with yourself. Don’t forget, in order to cheat on him, someone else has to be involved as well. You could set the boundary with others that you won’t be dating, you already have someone, just looking for friends - and good folks won’t push that boundary, they will instead help you be faithful.

 

[zombycat]

Yeah, I really think I was making a bigger deal of it than it actually would be. If I started getting close with a new friend, I would definitely make sure they understood some things about me. It all felt so huge and so urgent, but after writing it all down, and having the long talk with him that same night, it really helped me reframe it all into a much better perspective. I've felt pretty at peace these last few days. It's been so nice. lol

 

[Justmehere]

That’s great! What’s your next step towards making new connections and freinds?

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d be hesitant to let you BF “adopt” your new friend because you deserve to have friends of your own.

 

[zombycat]

What’s your next step towards making new connections and freinds?

I've decided that after the holidays, I'm going to take a photography class. It's been a while since I've had a good camera and I could use the refresher. I'm happiest when I'm doing something creative, so I think it will be a good first step.

I’d be hesitant to let you BF “adopt” your new friend because you deserve to have friends of your own.

I had used the term 'adopt' more in terms of taking the time to get to know them and looking out for them the same way we do the rest of our framily, but I see your concern. If that was something I felt was happening though, I know we could talk it out and figure out appropriate boundaries. He is way more protective of my individuality than I have been and will go to war with me or anyone else to safeguard it if he has to, in large part because he knows that it is something I have, err... misplaced often in the past.

 

[grit]

What happens if you start having an open relationship so you are not always fighting against your nature of new sexual partner. That must take so much energy that you are focusing other things to get the same high.

 

[Justmehere]

That class sounds like a lot of fun! Well done for working this through. I have moments (or uh, days or weeks lol) of turning a concern into a bigger issue than it needs to be. It is one of the top cognitive distortions - especially for sufferers. It’s tough to be a caregiver, partner, ptsd sufferer, and sort all this out. You’ve done well to reassess the situation. There is something about creating and learning with others that I find restoring. I think you have a good plan and I hope you meet some cool folks at the class. :)