Unable to date at 48 in central Pa DV survivor w Ptsd.

[Dolce]

I am brand new to this forum too. From links to similiar threads I guess I have some similar experiences. I have had childhood and adult physical and other abuse. I also was abused legally which led to I believe c ptsd. My mother/ stepfather abused me in every way possible and also through systems designed to help me. I live in an archaic area.

I live in central Pa where the Sandusky scandal happened. I am unable to relate to ppl normally. Ppl judge me on how I have handled a lifetime of trauma and abuse. I was made the scapegoat extremely and excommuncicated from my family. My stepfather and main abuser recently died...but this has not lessened my trauma much.

I have had one maybe healthy relationship romantically 30 years ago or so and he left me due to my depression finally. Next I had an abusive narcissist whom I stayed with far too long off and on. Now I am middle aged and have severe ptsd and no family and really no friends.

Help? PPl say " snap out of it?" That's just not helpful or realistic when one has severe ptsd and lifelong trauma and no real solid supports or family.????

I would like to meet a bf. I guess I am probably looking for somoene to protect me and help fill the void of lonliness...the things we aren't supposed to say these days and which probably scare people away as does the type of history I have and my trauma which I feel I prob talk about alot and wear on my sleeve.

 

[Charlotterenee]

I am brand new to this forum too. From links to similiar threads I guess I have some similar experiences. I have had childhood and adult physical and other abuse. I also
was abused legally which led to I believe c ptsd. My mother/ stepfather abused me in every way possible and also through systems designed to help me. I live in an archaic area.
I live in central Pa where the Sandusky scandal happened. I am unable to relate to ppl normally. Ppl judge me on how I have handled a lifetime of trauma and abuse. I was made
the scapegoat extremely and excommuncicated from my family. My stepfather and main abuser recently died...but this has not lessened my trauma much. I have had one maybe healthy relationship romantically 30 years ago or so and he left me due to my depression finally. Next I had an abusive narcissist whom I stayed with far too long off and on. Now I am middle aged and have severe ptsd and no family and really no friends. Help? PPl say " snap out of it?" That's just not helpful or realistic when one has severe ptsd and lifelong trauma and no real solid supports or family.???? I would like to meet a bf. I guess I am probably looking for somoene to protect me and help fill the void of lonliness...the things we aren't supposed to say these days and which probably scare people away as does the type of history I have and my trauma which I feel I prob talk about alot and wear on my sleeve.

You sound similar to me. I am survivor of childhood abuse and trauma. Am currently on 4th marriage. Living with almost daily gaslighting with narc hubby. 50 years old. Having panic attacks anxiety and depression after 5 years of this. Feels like I'm stuck in fight or flight mode. Struggle with breathing, sleep, and feeling relaxed enough to enjoy anything. Focusing on things is an issue as well as memory.

 

[Dolce]

You sound similar to me. I am survivor of childhood abuse and trauma. Am currently on 4th marriage. Living with almost daily gaslighting with narc hubby. 50 years old. Having panic attacks anxiety and depression after 5 years of this. Feels like I'm stuck in fight or flight mode. Struggle with breathing, sleep, and feeling relaxed enough to enjoy anything. Focusing on things is an issue as well as memory.

I had a narcisstic ex bf of on off 11 years. I believe I know and he even said I put up w it b/c of my crap family/childhood trauma. He said, " I am bad though not as bad as your family." He beat and cheated on me and verbally abused me and you know what maybe he wasn't as bad. He was on par what does that say ab my fam? Not alot and they have alot of pride too. Think they did nothing wrong. Gaslighting is prev with narcissists. They can't take blame or accountability for anything. I have sim issues to what you are saying. I am hyper focused on the past b/c my Mom did something very extreme to me 2 years ago to make me relive stuff and well blame me for my childhood. I do know what fight or flight mode feels like and that's awful for someone w ptsd. I can't tell you what to do w your husband current. Perhaps joint counseling??? I don't know. Narcissists are notoriously hard to treat or even get I think officially diagnosed b/c they are good fakers. I know b/c I had two malignant severe ones in my life off the charts. My Mom maybe most of all I think. I am sorry what you are going through. I feel very alone as a single person. I know one can also feel alone in a bad cycle in relationships. I don't know your husband or the whole relationship but it doesn't sound too healthy
or nurturing from what you described. I wish everyone esp ppl who have experienced trauma could find nurturing love instead of seem to attract more narcissists?

 

[Charlotterenee]

I had a narcisstic ex bf of on off 11 years. I believe I know and he even said I put up w it b/c of my crap family/childhood trauma. He said, " I am bad though not as bad as your family." He beat and cheated on me and verbally abused me and you know what maybe he wasn't as bad. He was on par what does that say ab my fam? Not alot and they have alot of pride too. Think they did nothing wrong. Gaslighting is prev with narcissists. They can't take blame or accountability for anything. I have sim issues to what you are saying. I am hyper focused on the past b/c my Mom did something very extreme to me 2 years ago to make me relive stuff and well blame me for my childhood. I do know what fight or flight mode feels like and that's awful for someone w ptsd. I can't tell you what to do w your husband current. Perhaps joint counseling??? I don't know. Narcissists are notoriously hard to treat or even get I think officially diagnosed b/c they are good fakers. I know b/c I had two malignant severe ones in my life off the charts. My Mom maybe most of all I think. I am sorry what you are going through. I feel very alone as a single person. I know one can also feel alone in a bad cycle in relationships. I don't know your husband or the whole relationship but it doesn't sound too healthy
or nurturing from what you described. I wish everyone esp ppl who have experienced trauma could find nurturing love instead of seem to attract more narcissists?

I am very lonely with it. Due to my issues which I have no trouble accounting for he has used to place blame on me due to my past. Iwhich means I have no credibility. If you bring up anything wrong in the relationship it's a personality assessment in worst light possible. I went marriage counseling and therapist picked up on the narcissism when he blasted me as a person right in front of him. He told me to run. I am sick. I have medical issues. I am now dependent. I am seeking therapist for myself currently. Wish he could stop it but I know this is highly unlikely. So trying to focus on how to help myself.

 

[Dolce]

I am very lonely with it. Due to my issues which I have no trouble accounting for he has used to place blame on me due to my past. Iwhich means I have no credibility. If you bring up anything wrong in the relationship it's a personality assessment in worst light possible. I went marriage counseling and therapist picked up on the narcissism when he blasted me as a person right in front of him. He told me to run. I am sick. I have medical issues. I am now dependent. I am seeking therapist for myself currently. Wish he could stop it but I know this is highly unlikely. So trying to focus on how to help myself.

If the therapist told you to run which is how I read this and I am having a hard day myself also feeling very alone....I do suggest you think about maybe divorce. Ppl who use your past to hurt you don't love you. I also have medical issues. My Mom blasted me for this. PPl dont use your past to sabotage you or evade responsibility. If your husband is hurting you emotionally or physically or trying to destroy your credibility maybe it's time to move on. Keep notes texts drs notes that prove your credibility. Try to have character witnesses. Don't stay trapped in bad situations. It might be beyond counseling. Narcissisists don't think they need to chg. They uss think they are above things or ppl. I wouldn't tell you what to do but I guess I am telling you to prepare and try not to stay stuck.

 

[sleeveheart]

I am brand new to this forum too. From links to similiar threads I guess I have some similar experiences. I have had childhood and adult physical and other abuse. I also was abused legally which led to I believe c ptsd. My mother/ stepfather abused me in every way possible and also through systems designed to help me. I live in an archaic area.

I live in central Pa where the Sandusky scandal happened. I am unable to relate to ppl normally. Ppl judge me on how I have handled a lifetime of trauma and abuse. I was made the scapegoat extremely and excommuncicated from my family. My stepfather and main abuser recently died...but this has not lessened my trauma much.

I have had one maybe healthy relationship romantically 30 years ago or so and he left me due to my depression finally. Next I had an abusive narcissist whom I stayed with far too long off and on. Now I am middle aged and have severe ptsd and no family and really no friends.

Help? PPl say " snap out of it?" That's just not helpful or realistic when one has severe ptsd and lifelong trauma and no real solid supports or family.????

I would like to meet a bf. I guess I am probably looking for somoene to protect me and help fill the void of lonliness...the things we aren't supposed to say these days and which probably scare people away as does the type of history I have and my trauma which I feel I prob talk about alot and wear on my sleeve.

It really sucks that you haven't had any safe relationships.
I'm glad you shared your feelings here :)
It sounds like you're grieving, too.
(Exhale) There are many layers to your story, it sounds like.

It is very natural to want a boyfriend. I think it's a natural thing to want someone to protect you and help you feel less lonely.
I feel the same way you do.

The book "Complex CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" was also very helpful in getting me started.
Sending you hugs :)